Don't Tick Off Trans

[Shana A]

http://www.advocate.com/issue_story_ektid50783.asp

" Don't Tick Off Trans
Transgressive questions likely to be a transgender conversation-ender.
By Andrea James
From The Advocate  December 18, 2007

Let's say you're at work, a social setting, or political event, and a real live transgender person says "Hi!" You don't want to say anything wrong since you recall the tedious questions and responses you've endured about your sexuality, but you want to appear interested and engaged. Thankfully, there's etiquette for talking to trans people. Here's a look at questions to avoid. Trans people will thank you for it. "

[Melissa-kitty]

Nice!
"The first rule of Trans Club is, You do not talk about Trans Club."
Tara

[Kate]

The first rule of Trans Club is, You do not talk about Trans Club.

ROFL... soooo true!

I realize they meant for non-TSs, but it's also my Golden Rule when dealing with anyone who didn't know me from Before. If I can just hang on to that attitude, and let this whole "transition" thing fade into distant memory, I'll be OK

~Kate~

[Rashelle]

I agree with some of it. Only if I'm out to people I prefer that they do ask SOME questions as the only way they are going to learn is by speaking to a real live TS. Or TG or whatever.
Rashelle

[Sheila]

For me, I don't live by any of the "Trans Club Rules". If someone that I know asks me any questions, I will answer to the best of my knowledge. If it is someone I don't know, it is none of your business and act very insulted. The only people, who I don't know, if they are children and ask me if I am a woman or a man and I say I'm a woman and that is it. This is my way of living and I don't think it is for everyone.
Sheila

[LostInTime]

If someone asks, I usually do not mind answering some questions. However, most assume I have already had surgery for whatever reason so that question rarely comes up. I let them assume what they want on that front because what I may or may not have is none of their business. Pretty much the rest I do not mind talking about.

[Kate]

Do you all find strangers occasionally asking you these sorts of questions?

That's kinda scary to me. I mean, I get that people who know us From Before might be curious, but total strangers?

Even so, I've always been surprised that people I've told really showed no interest in any of this. "That's nice for you, ANYway..." pretty much was the usual response, lol.

Maybe *I* am just boring

~Kate~

[LostInTime]

Well I do put myself out there. I am currently the only recurring T person in an LGBT venture. I have lectured at colleges and private groups. I speak out. That attracts attention and attention attracts questions.

[Rashelle]

If people know then some will desire to ask questions. The big word is IF. If (heehee couldn't resist) someone asks and seems to have a desire to understand then I will sit down and answer all the questions I can to the best of my ability.

Rashelle

[Keira]

I've done at least 30 public speaking engagements before crowds of 20-100 in last 9 months, but I'm part of something else than trans whatever and I'm stealth and pass I think fairly well, so I don't get people ever asking me (thank god, I don't want to answer such a question).

[LostInTime]

Mine is on gender variance so I am pretty much out before I even arrive. Last time was a very conservative campus.

[Sheila]

I would answer anyones question, but the truth is, I rarely ever get asked anything. I will have a child, this again is rare, ask if I'm a girl or a boy. I'm around children everyday so it is bound to happen as my voice is not so fem. I guess I'm pretty stealth, too. I don't know as I really don't care. I'm always called by the fem pronouns never a mistake. Never the neutral pronoun either. I get the doors opened for me and I'm smiled at all the time, especially from the old guys. Maybe they need glasses. hmmm.
Sheila

[buttercup]

Very good article.  No one comes out and asks me questions either, I think most are too embarrassed to.  It's like they want to know, but don't want to hear the answer.  They make up their own minds anyway!
They should just MOB, that is a good rule! 

The first rule of Trans Club is, You do not talk about Trans Club.

                  

[Hypatia]

The day I transitioned at work--when I still had a job--this guy actually asked me about SRS. From reading people's experiences here, I knew to expect such questions, even though it's so stupid and demeaning. I gently told him that's too private a matter to talk about in the workplace, and he backed off and apologized. I wanted to ask him if he thought it was acceptable to ask any other women in the office about their private parts. No? So how come he thought it was OK to ask me? Because he assumes I'm a freak show. And I would have said to him no I am not a freak and I deserve the same dignity as anyone else.

[Keira]

I love the fight club things, its been used in so many context and its always funny.
The Simpson's used it also and I think family guy.

[DeValInDisguise]

The day I transitioned at work--when I still had a job--this guy actually asked me about SRS. From reading people's experiences here, I knew to expect such questions, even though it's so stupid and demeaning. I gently told him that's too private a matter to talk about in the workplace, and he backed off and apologized. I wanted to ask him if he thought it was acceptable to ask any other women in the office about their private parts. No? So how come he thought it was OK to ask me? Because he assumes I'm a freak show. And I would have said to him no I am not a freak and I deserve the same dignity as anyone else.

I might have an alternative explanation.  To the great majority of the world GID and transitioning are something so far out of their experience that they have no idea how to handle it.  And when people don't know how to handle something they can flounder about pretty badly.  Sometimes they figure it out, sometimes they don't.  (From what I hear, a lot of the time they don't.)  I can easily see a train of thought that says "Hey, it's okay to talk about surgery" that completely misses the obvious "Don't talk about private parts!"

Val

[Kate]

I might have an alternative explanation.  To the great majority of the world GID and transitioning are something so far out of their experience that they have no idea how to handle it.  And when people don't know how to handle something they can flounder about pretty badly.  Sometimes they figure it out, sometimes they don't.  (From what I hear, a lot of the time they don't.)  I can easily see a train of thought that says "Hey, it's okay to talk about surgery" that completely misses the obvious "Don't talk about private parts!"

Exactly!

"When are you having your surgery?" was by far the most common question I'd get as soon as I came out to someone. And it really insulted me at first, until I realized most people were actually trying to be NICE by asking that.

Men ask in the sense of, "so when do you pick up your new car?"

Women ask in the sense of, "so when is your baby due?"

I realized I was going to alienate people if I kept feeling "insulted" all the time, when they were just honestly trying to share in my excitement as best they knew how.

~Kate~