I'll just warn now - this is kind of a rambling brain dump. I've just been in a bit of a funk about being Sarah, and wanted to vent a little.
So I've been seeing my therapist for just over a month now, and she's been fantastic. She's helped me get my head around a lot of things, and has asked me questions (which means finding answers!) for questions that have really made me think. I've felt like I've made a fair amount of progress, and I've felt really positive, leaving each appointment feeling like I was getting somewhere - learning more and discovering myself.
It was last appointment that I gathered the courage to go as Sarah. My appointments are mid work day, so I've been going as Dave, but knew that I wanted to make a point of going as Sarah eventually. It was one of those things that I felt was important for me, and when the opportunity came (my appointment time shifted, which made it easier to get dressed first) I took it. Again, it was a fantastic experience, full of nerves at first, but feeling completely normal and natural by the end. Among other things, we discussed a lot of the practicalities of transitioning, and she had me thinking about a lot of the reasons and excuses I'd made as to why I didn't think I could - and had me feeling very positive about myself. But it was at the end, and getting back into my car, that something really hit me. I didn't want to change back to Dave. I had to head back to work (where I'm not out yet), which meant de-Sarahing, and that realization just hurt. I just sat there for a few minutes looking into the mirror, before I could convince myself to go get changed.
For the following week, I found myself kind of dwelling on that moment - going in her office dressed and the nerves, followed by how wonderful it felt to lose those nerves, and just feel naturally Sarah. I had taken that boots picture half jokingly (in response to a Facebook thing about the best part of winter - cute boots), but I kept looking at it. Not just for the boots, but for all that it represented - me, as Sarah, feeling like I looked good, and feeling good, and then that feeling of loss that I had when I had to change back.
I decided that I'd go ahead and plan on dressing for my next appointment, maybe even all of my appointments going forward, because it just felt so right. But that next appointment (which would have been yesterday) had to be canceled, and I was heartbroken. I had pulled aside something to wear - basic jeans, boots, sweater - and was really looking forward to being able to Sarah for a couple hours. And when my therapist had to cancel, I found myself feeling that same sense of loss that I did when I needed to change back to Dave the week before. I ended up going home from work early, just to spend an hour as Sarah before I had other things I needed to do.
But that realization - that sense of loss - that hit me as a ton of bricks. For a long time I was trying to convince myself that I'd be happy with a "half transition" - that for the sake of my wife (who is supportive, but doesn't want to lose Dave) and to try and mitigate career complications. But having that experience at my therapist's office (who has to be supportive, or she's a bad therapist
), there was a certain sort of feeling that just felt so right, and I've missed it. It was the first time I was out as Sarah without friends or family, and was the first time I was interacting with someone on such a personal level as Sarah - and I don't think I was prepared for how right it all felt. It's really made me question what I thought I knew, and made me doubt that anything other than full transition would work for me. And with that comes the flood - the guilt to my wife as she loses Dave, the panic and stress of the possible work repercussions, and just all the complications and unknowns.
I ended up talking with my wife some last night - about feeling like I want to be more Sarah and that I'm scared of it, and she was reassuring to me about being who I am, but I'm still afraid it's going to hurt her too much. We actually kinda chuckled - I told her that I was afraid that I'd become Sarah and she'd leave me, and she's afraid that once I'm Sarah I won't need her - so it's kinda ironic that the thing we're both most afraid of is losing the other. But the whole idea of transitioning is full of so many unknowns and variables - we're both scared as hell.
So I dunno. I mean I guess this is all part of the dysphoria, and part of the process. And I guess I knew that it was going to be complicated, and full of emotions and unknowns. That doesn't make it any easier to go through.
Thanks for the friendly ears.
Sarah
