So. Opened up to my docs and this happened...

[Shambles]

I needed to speak to my docs anyway as my back is killing me - i thought i would get in and see him to talk about that and the GD. Rang up as normal at 8am for an appointment that day and the receptionist relied "im sorry but i cant get you in to your normal doc today as he's the duty doc for today but i'll get him to give you a call in the next 1/2 hour and he can call you into us if he wants too". I thought good stuff and waited for the call. Well rather than 8-830 it was more like 2pm..... while i was at work...... in the middle of a big noisey room so you cant speak quietly and the phone is on my supervisors desk AND it was a male nurse that ive not spoken to before rather than the doc i know and get on with.... "dam how am i going to do this now!".

Did the back stuff and asked him to ring me back so i could grab my mobile and actually said all neviously gender dysphoria, as i started to explain what it was and whats been going on could feel him googleing it or on whatever database they use as he seamed to be far more informative about the matter after ive talked for a few mins. Basically got me a phone appointment with my gp next week - not even in person... the whole thing was super awquard.

Now as i was saying all this stuff to a real person i was thinking this isnt right, this isnt me, i dont want to do this etc but kept the app for next week anyway.

Please dont slate me for how im currently thinking but is it possible to feel like a female inside but fell i can still live as male? I know ive been repressing all female thoughts and actions over the years - thats a given no matter what the resolution to all this is.

I have been having mood swings but on the whole ive been so much more happy since i realised who im not its like 80% female and 20% male. Yes i would have been happier born as a F but could i justify going though everything if i go down this road.... i dont think so.

Your know i get the feeling that most of the population never question deeply who they are, who am i? am i happy? am i being true to myself? and this is really opened up my mind and has been... well i cant quite describe how happy its made me feel to start to understand who i am.... or atleast who im not.

If i said look, im loosing all this weight (its dropping off a bit too quick atm - somehow its 1 lb a day and ive lost my appetite completely) to see if i can get comfortable with my own body now, show more of my feminine personality - ive not stopped singing like a girl over the last week - its been fun  and try and work out what i want to change about my appearance to express myself. I've not bitten my nails in a week and there getting quite long now.... well for me. Maybe shaving body hair, tattoo and maybe even a slight name change - theres a name very close to mine now that some people call me anyway that could be male or female. I cant go back to how i was and im not trying to suppress anything but trying to work out what will make me happy

Could this work? or all you all rolling your eyes thinking he'll /she'll be back? see you in a month / year etc

I think its natural to work out where your'll be happy with the smallest upheaval but did you go though this and still come to the conclusion that you want to trans fully?

Am i trying to hide me? or just still in the process of asking questions? (and i dont mean the questions im littlery typing to you now... before anyone makes that joke...... looking at you roll)


Wow ramble. Peace!

[Cenna]

Why justify anything? Life is pretty long to not be as happy as you can get. Delaying I can understand but I don't think I could put it off forever. My thinking has always been to go ahead if you want something get it if there's an obstacle it's not a reason to give up persuit. It could be you have found that bit of you that you needed and that's enough but don't let that stop you for reaching for more if that's what makes you happy.

There I think that sums up my thoughts. Hope it helps you find your own..

[Bari Jo]

All I gotta say is GD is a crappy lot.  You will go through these cycles of knowing for sure you want to transition.  Then others tell you that staying put is fine.  Some more will suggest very small things to make you happy, then the next week, have shame for it.  I can't tell you how often I've been in your shoes.  For me though, the only thing that broke the gd cycle is acceptance of myself as a tg person.  I suggest finding a gender therapist to really open up and talk this through.  Also helpful is a trans support group.  If you start going to these you realize a lot of their issues are the same as yours and vice versa.  Also talking about yourself in front of others is more therapy.  I hope that is helpful.

Btw, since accepting myself and starting to transition, I've only had positive feedback.  Even people I have known the longest see me as happier.  These are all people that do not know I'm transitioning.

Bari Jo

[KathyLauren]

We all get what I call "WTF am I doing?" moments.  Doubts are par for the course.  I think just about every one of us who are transitioning have, at some point, posted panicked "What if this is all a big mistake?" threads.  It is important not to confuse those moments of doubt with being on the wrong path. 

But what path is right for you?  Only you can choose that.  Some trans people do decide not to transition.  I have some friends in my area who satisfy their need for feminine identity with occasional cross-dressing.  If that works for you, then by all means go for it.  There is no right or wrong way to be trans.

[Jessica_Rose]

On rare occasions I also wonder if transitioning is right for me. Then I remember the angry, short-tempered person I was and realize I never want to go back. I am calmer. I smile a lot more, sometimes for no reason. I am nicer to everyone around me. I can now experience emotions other than anger, and they are awesome!

Some people on this forum have been on HRT for years and have not transitioned, so it certainly is possible for some. You are the only person who knows what will make you happy. For myself, fully transitioning is the only way to release my soul from the dark place where I have kept it hidden all of these years.

I am not out to many people yet, but I have set coming out dates for my children, family, and everyone else. I look forward to those dates with joy.

[Shambles]

Thanks for the input. I was sitting at work thinking about what I wrote and also thinking that it's just me trying to justify doing nothing. Only if can say what's right for me. I was thinking about canceiling the app next week but I'm not going to. I can let the one bad experience stop me alteast talking too my gp. Especially if it's a 1 and a 1/2 year wait for the gic's

I think the whole transition process scares me but if I could just click my fingers and I'm at whatever the end point is I would definitely be happy. But me typing this just realised that I'm sure every one reading this would agree to too that point. I might just need to grow a pair but I suppose that saying don't work any more lol

[Jailyn]

This is a thing so don't feel bad. Some of us do continue to live the gender that we were assigned at birth. Most of us don't yes. It is perfectly normal to think "oh maybe I don't want to transition, maybe my feelings are wrong." This is why you are trying to get help so that you can explore your feelings and take the next steps. Transitioning is not for every trans person. Many us transition because the gd makes us feel terrible and causes depression among other things. There are a few who detransition as well. So it is not unheard of to have the feelings you have, but now you have to ask yourself are they coming from projections from the doctors visit or because you really feel that way? You have a lot to figure out and explore in yourself. Welcome and good luck!!!!!!!