It's been a while since I've last been on here. A couple of months or so. As time has gone by and I've gone over things in my head a couple of times, I've realized that this could actually be more likely than I thought at first. When the idea of me being transgender first popped into my head, I pretty much just shook it off, because: "No, that only happens to other people."
But the more I've thought about it, the more I'm starting to see that perhaps this has been a thing in the back of my head for a long time. I haven't come out to myself fully yet, but I think I might be getting there. My dad was the first person I told. He still uses feminine pronouns with me, as do most other people in my daily life, even though they know. It's not because they're disrespecting me, but because I have told them to do so. Even if it stings a bit every time they address me as "she" or "her", I feel like that sting is an important part of finding out who's the real me. I don't want to rush into anything - or rush others, for that matter.
I've started dressing masculine in my daily life, which has been a great relief so far. I have my binders, too, but don't wear them that much. Partly because of my anxiety about not being able to breathe and get them off fast enough (they fit perfectly, I can breathe no matter what, but panicky brain will be panicky), and also because it's inconvenient, since my job is a lot of physical work.
With every day I'm getting more and more sure that this is in fact what I want. But it comes with a price. I've always felt like something was wrong with my body, I just didn't know what. Now that I have a pretty good idea of it, I've started hating it even more. The one thing that makes me the most insecure is my voice. I've been told that I pass rather well, until I open my mouth, which seems to be a problem for many people on here. It's the one thing I, no matter how hard I try, can't hide.
My mother is going to be visiting on the 9th of December, which makes me really nervous. I haven't told her anything, and I'm seriously considering digging into my attic to find my feminine clothes and wear them for the day she's here, just to avoid the questions. I really, really don't want to, but at the same time I'm not ready for her to know. I'm almost certain that she'll disown me on the spot. Which sucks, because things have just started getting a little better between us... Decisions, decisions.
