My struggle against authority

[Regina Kaur]

Hello All

I'm new here but am very keen to be involved.

I was born 31 years ago in the Sikh community in England. Growing up I knew I was different but the Sikh community is very macho and with its militaristic origins, daring to be different would lead to god knows what punishment.

I think that as early as around 7 or 8, I didn't fit in. Later, when my brother Sat who was much older than me would hang around with his friend, a guy who was a great athlete and I remember that a guy I used to look up to when I was younger slowly turned in my head into someone whose cold stares and typical male attitude made me feel unwelcome in my own home. What's worse, I knew that beneath the cold contempt he was slowly turning my own brother against me (indirectly for sure but when you hear your own brother and uncle talk about sissies and pussies knowing full well that I was "different" it broke my heart).

Over the years it got worse. I tried to be who they wanted me to be. I worked at school, I trained hard at the gym but I'd get endless abuse from other men - sugar tits, ho, fatass and in our language abuse I can't repeat.

Finally, after graduating university I felt that something within me was yearning to be free. All the suppressing of my sexual identity began to be revealed to me. Funny enough, one day I went to a place I'd never expect to find redemption. I went to Amsterdam and had two sessions of Ayahuasca and like a thunderbolt it hit me.

Khushy was no more, I was born to be Regina and Regina longed to be free! Salvation from a drug? No, I think it showed me that all my attempts to suppress myself were hurting my soul and I dread to think how I'd have ended up.

Since then, I've started to come out a little, but I darent to my family, I actually think my uncle would kill me.

For those who've suffered and live free now I salute you. I hope one day I can find the peace and security to truly live life and love others as my true self. 

[MaryT]

Hi Regina,
I hope that everything works out well for you and you can live the life you want.  I have heard that Amsterdam is a pretty cool and accepting place, and your experiences confirm that.
Welcome to Susan's Place.

[Laurie]

Hi Regina,

I'm Laurie.  I see that you are new here. So please let me say, Welcome To Susan's Place! Come on in and take a good look around.  Perhaps I can even get you to tell us a little bit more about yourself so we can get to know you a little better and greet you properly.

  Also I'll add some links and information below that can help you get more out of our site. Please take time to become familiar with them especially the RED one as we are always getting questions that are answered there.

Laurie
Global Moderator

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[V M]

Hi Regina 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[tgirlamg]

Welcome Regina!!!

Your strength will carry you far on your journey and on the days strength is in short supply... You have sisters here that will lend you theirs...

Onward we go brave girl

Ashley

[Roll]

Hi Regina!

Perhaps I can even get you to tell us a little bit more about yourself so we can get to know you a little better and greet you properly.

I'm confused, was the post originally shorter or something?

[Laurie]

Hi Regina!

I'm confused, was the post originally shorter or something?

Is there a problem with encouraging more conversation?

Sent from my LGL44VL using Tapatalk

[Regina Kaur]

Thanks for your feedback, you've no idea how worried I was to write up that first post. I can imagine the type of response I would have gotten on Facebook if I'd shared that. I feel humbled and even shed a little tear, acceptance is something I've never felt before!

Laurie, thanks for asking. I think as far as the past goes I was born in a loving family but slowly, over time I could see a growing distance as people saw me as strange and not conforming. While initially I didn't get why, over time the reasons dawned on me I guess.

I think in the here and now, I'm in the horns of a dilemma.

On the one hand I want to "come out" but on the other I'm afraid so rather than jumping in at the deep end and drowning, the idea that makes most sense to me is to consider some form of hormonal or medical treatment that slowly, almost imperceptibly makes me feel more like the woman I believe I should be, rather than dealing with hormonal issues that make it hard to really transition to where I'd like to be.

If anyone has any advice on recommendations for slow, gradual medical therapies (not surgery, at least yet) I'd welcome your input!

[tgirlamg]

On the one hand I want to "come out" but on the other I'm afraid

Hi Again Regina!

You have much to ponder sister!

Since you are soliciting advice, I would like to offer a few thoughts that relate to your statement above!

There are many examples, here on this forum and in the lives of those around you, of people letting fear keep them from what they want in their life.... It is human nature to take the unknowns about a situation that has not yet occurred and insert our deepest fears into the blanks

We place the obstacle of fear in our path and it can block our way for a very long time if we allow it... On the other side of the obstacle of fear is the very thing that we seek...

In "Letters to a Young Poet" Ranier Rilke said... " Our fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasure"

Fear is an emotion that is there to keep us safe but we must remain vigilant not to let it rule us...

You may very likely be attaching these fears to how you envision the reactions of family and friends or how you will be treated in everyday life...

When we open the door and set out on a journey to express our true self... It is a very spiritual thing that we do.... How can family and friends truly love us if they have not seen who we truly are?.... At a very deep level... Transition is an attempt to put ourself in a place in our life where we can truly give and receive love

Another result of opening that journey is that our relationships to others and the world will change to some degree or another... It is possible we will lose our relationship to some that we thought of as close but... As we walk this new path, new faces will appear to care for us and to be cared for by us...

In the end you will proceed in the manner that suits you best... You, dear sister, hold the steering wheel of your life...I would urge you to not allow fear to take the wheel from your hands...

Onward we go brave girl

Ashley

[Roll]

Thanks for your feedback, you've no idea how worried I was to write up that first post.

Oh, but we do! Most of us had terrified initial posts, struggling to try to figure out who we were or how we could do something about it (my own but 3 months ago!). That is the beauty of these forums, while no two stories are exactly alike, you have found a place that people can actually relate to your fears and worries, as well as your hopes and dreams.

[Regina Kaur]

Hi Again Regina!

You have much to ponder sister!

Since you are soliciting advice, I would like to offer a few thoughts that relate to your statement above!

There are many examples, here on this forum and in the lives of those around you, of people letting fear keep them from what they want in their life.... It is human nature to take the unknowns about a situation that has not yet occurred and insert our deepest fears into the blanks

We place the obstacle of fear in our path and it can block our way for a very long time if we allow it... On the other side of the obstacle of fear is the very thing that we seek...

In "Letters to a Young Poet" Ranier Rilke said... " Our fears are like dragons guarding our deepest treasure"

Fear is an emotion that is there to keep us safe but we must remain vigilant not to let it rule us...

You may very likely be attaching these fears to how you envision the reactions of family and friends or how you will be treated in everyday life...

When we open the door and set out on a journey to express our true self... It is a very spiritual thing that we do.... How can family and friends truly love us if they have not seen who we truly are?.... At a very deep level... Transition is an attempt to put ourself in a place in our life where we can truly give and receive love

Another result of opening that journey is that our relationships to others and the world will change to some degree or another... It is possible we will lose our relationship to some that we thought of as close but... As we walk this new path, new faces will appear to care for us and to be cared for by us...

In the end you will proceed in the manner that suits you best... You, dear sister, hold the steering wheel of your life...I would urge you to not allow fear to take the wheel from your hands...

Onward we go brave girl

Ashley

I love that quote Ashley. I'll be sure to check that book out too. I appreciate your support sister. I hope one day I can be as strong and beautiful as you:)

Part of overcoming my fear is I think moving forwards with my transition. However, there is no way on earth I will go to my doctor and living in a small town I would prefer to enter this phase anonymously.

I don't know what to take or where to get it from though, let alone how to take it. I'd be interested to know how other sisters on here did it when they first embarked on hormonal transitioning?

[tgirlamg]

I love that quote Ashley. I'll be sure to check that book out too. I appreciate your support sister. I hope one day I can be as strong and beautiful as you:)

Part of overcoming my fear is I think moving forwards with my transition. However, there is no way on earth I will go to my doctor and living in a small town I would prefer to enter this phase anonymously.

I don't know what to take or where to get it from though, let alone how to take it. I'd be interested to know how other sisters on here did it when they first embarked on hormonal transitioning?

Hi Regina!

If you were in the USA I would offer some suggestions about how to move forward if transition is your goal but I don't know too much about how things are done in the UK ...

But!!!... The good part is you have a lot of UK sisters here who are or have navigated the path!!!

If I were you.  I would post a " UK Girl needs advice " type of thread in the "Transgender Talk" section and I am sure some of the other girls there can offer you a better idea of how things work and what it would take!!!

Wishing you all good things as you find your true life sister!

Hugs!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

[Lotus Chloe]

I love that quote Ashley. I'll be sure to check that book out too. I appreciate your support sister. I hope one day I can be as strong and beautiful as you:)

Part of overcoming my fear is I think moving forwards with my transition. However, there is no way on earth I will go to my doctor and living in a small town I would prefer to enter this phase anonymously.

I don't know what to take or where to get it from though, let alone how to take it. I'd be interested to know how other sisters on here did it when they first embarked on hormonal transitioning?

Hi Regina! Saw your post and realised I was in the same situation a few months back! There's so much information out there that you really do have to sift through it all and clear the mess! Anyway good place to start:

https://www.susans.org/wiki/Hormone_replacement_therapy_(female-to-male)

I myself started on Progynova 8 weeks ago, noticing a gradual change since. I went with Progynova because even though there maybe stronger alternatives out there I felt that it was the most trusted and one of the more widely used. I will probably use an anti androgen at some stage but just not yet. All you have to do is search on here and you get tons of useful information.

In terms of getting any products all you have to do is search online, most things available for a price these days, but if you want trusted sources try these. I think the top one is from the uk.

https://www.pharmacy2u.co.uk/onlinedoctor/hrt.htmlhttps:
https://www.evopharmacy.com/default.cfm

Hope this helps!
Chloe

[DawnOday]

Here is the policy from the UK. https://uktrans.info/medical/55-clinical-guidelines-for-trans-healthcare/3-interim-gender-dysphoria-protocol-and-service-guideline-2013-14 

Using "do it yourself" methods are not recommended because there is so much that can go wrong.

[Complete]

I think the very first thing you should do is to figure out just exactly who you are and where you are going. The need to have a clear understanding of what that entails. It sounds like, from what you have shared about your family,  they will not be very accepting or supportive. There might be some exceptions,  but you should plan on doing this on your own.  It will not be easy. Most likely,  It will be the most difficult thing you will ever do in your life.
While it is different for everyone, l speak from my own experience. I managed my complete medical,  (hormones, surgery, facial hair removal, voice training), all of it, right after my graduation from college. It took about a year.
Once that was accomplished,  (NOT EASY!), my life became relatively normal. I worked,  dated and had great sex with men and ultimately married.
Eventually my family came to terms with the fait accompli. I simply was who l was, a young married woman. This may not be who you are or whom you want to become. That is why you must understand who you are and develop a plan to get there.
Good luck!

[Regina Kaur]

Thanks for the suggestions Lotus Chloe. I love you for that girl! Why do you have that name by the way, are you into meditation??

I went to the sites you suggested. The first one was pretty hard to find out what I needed but the second one I found this page:

https://www.evopharmacy.com/cat-hormone-replacement-therapy.cfm

As you seem to know a bit about this stuff, how would you characterise these different medicines for someone looking to transition detailing pros and cons?

Ashley - I thank you for your kind words. You're a treasure. I think you maybe right but I'm just hear getting info at this stage (think both of the sites Chloe posted may not be able to ship to me anyway as one requires a script while the one linked above says that while they are a licensed U.K. pharmacy, they focus on the non-UK market which I guess explains showing $ not £).

In any event, I'll be taking your advice:)

Dawn - I hear you but I'm afraid I can't trust my doctor and local staff. The community is small and my doctor knows my family socially and I'm sure word would get out.

[elkie-t]

Hi Regina. I don't know all the little details about you, but my thoughts would be to come out to your family and if they don't accept you to cut your losses sooner rather than later. If you do HRT without telling them, they will suspect something and you will hold yourself back from expressing your feminity for fear of your family.

But if you come out, you set yourself free of fear, either way - if they disown you, then you don't need to waste your time and emotional energy on them.


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[Saha]

Hi Regina, welcome and bless you for wanting to be yourself.

I came out Bisexual to my kinky community a couple of years ago, and even though I knew that community would be welcoming, it was terrifying.  There is an emotional/instinctual fear of being ostracized, that goes pretty deep.  So much more difficult in a more traditional culture such as yours.  I see your caution, and can certainly understand.  I shut off Bisexuality at age 11 for fear of my Father's reaction.

All I can say is, it was worth it to me to come out, because I felt more alive, more ME, showing people more of who I really am.

(I now identify as Pansexual)