Home from Dr's appt: frustrated and sad

[Dena]

Now we are getting somewhere. Many people on the site aren't overjoyed to be transgender however the alternative is worst. There are many on the site who delayed their transition for years but the urge finally overpowered them so they  are now here doing what they wished they had done years ago. The best treatment for this is to have your child join the site and talk to us about this. The moderation on this site is heavy and we will not be critical of viewpoint like that.

You child may remain in the closet on this site or may identify themselves as your child. We don't request any information other than what a member is willing to provide. Often we have an obstacle in our transition that is difficult to get around. In my case, I transitioned so long ago that mine was difficulty in finding information. For others it's fear or being indecisive. One of the functions of this site is to explore those feelings in a safe place. I hope your child will join us.

[Roll]

I'd say it might be more accurate to say that no one wants to have gender dysphoria, just like no one wants to have any sort of medical condition. Being transgender though... well, for me it helps to think of being transgender as the cure, not the illness so to speak. Being able to transition is what is allowing me to move forward in my life after years of living in a world of anxiety and depression--something that applies to many of us here. Maybe if he tried to think of it in that light, it would help?

And remind him, no matter what else, he is light years ahead of most of us by dealing with this at his age. Let him know he should be proud of that, proud of facing this now and not 16 years down the line (me at 35) or more. God knows I wish I had the same courage he does to address any of this when I was still a teenager.

[Bari Jo]

I relate to your sons sentiment also.  I did not want to be transgender.  I also tried everything I could to force it away, suppress, deny, make it a fetish, self medicate, isolate, everything.  I do not wish that path in him one bit.  I think allowing him to socialize, ask questions and continue to see a gender therapist is great.  Having understanding parents is the best support system he can ask for an well.  You are to be commended for that.  I hope to see him join and we can support him.

Bari Jo

[Megan.]

I spent many many months answering 'I don't know' whenever my partner would regularly ask me what I wanted. It was frustrating for both of us!
I didn't want to make a commitment to something that at that point I had no experience of or confidence in.
Starting to try the things Dena listed will build confidence in your child,  so that they are able to answer that question. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[AnonyMs]

Its quite likely I'd have had the same reaction. Just want the HRT, don't want to talk about it, and definitely don't want to present female before some significant changes take place.

If this is a long term thing, and not just come up 3 months ago then the doctor/therapist is being unreasonable and unfair. Its not going away just because they want to see something else out of him, and HRT is the only treatment.

I'd suggest you study very closely the relevant section of DSM 5 and WPATH SOC (Standards of Care). DSM 5 is used to diagnose being trans, and WPATH is best practices in treatment. I'd attempt to use these to persuade the doctor. You can find them with google.

I'd also suggest that you convince you son that he has to play this game to get what he wants. Personally in this situation I'd tell them whatever they want to hear, but I'm a lot older and hopefully wiser.

[Kendra]

May 2017 first meeting with gender therapist, asked if I was planning to have gender surgery.  I answered "I don't know" because I did not know.  What I did know is I wanted HRT - that's what finally pushed me to go see a therapist, and find an endocrinologist and a GP (I hadn't seen any doctor in more than a decade).  I should have seen a therapist much sooner... I had started laser and electrolysis 3 years earlier.

July 2017 first meeting with endocrinologist, she asked if I was planning to have GRS.  I answered "I'm not going to decide until I see how HRT affects me."  But in other ways I had already answered questions without a word spoken.  My therapist and endo have never seen me present any way other than female (I am MtF).  My therapist commented I seem very natural and comfortable.  If my therapist had met me previously she would have seen me as very self-conscious and awkward. 

I am scheduled for four surgeries January-July 2018, starting with GRS.  I am 100% certain.  For my own path I've found there have been times times when it's accurate and ok to be undecided on important answers until I see how things work.

[Dena]

I was thinking about this this morning when I woke up. Have your child sit down in front of a computer and for a few hours start reviewing the posts in Introductions. When I was in group over 35 years ago we would talk in the parking lot after the meeting and it was always amazing how much our stories were alike. It helped us see that we weren't all alone in the world and a better future was possible. On this site I need to review introductions along with the rest of the site but still I see the same story being told over and over again. Perhaps introductions will help overcome that I am alone feeling.

[Bari Jo]

I was thinking about this this morning when I woke up. Have your child sit down in front of a computer and for a few hours start reviewing the posts in Introductions. When I was in group over 35 years ago we would talk in the parking lot after the meeting and it was always amazing how much our stories were alike. It helped us see that we weren't all alone in the world and a better future was possible. On this site I need to review introductions along with the rest of the site but still I see the same story being told over and over again. Perhaps introductions will help overcome that I am alone feeling.

I completely agree Dena.  I was obsessed with fearing introductions for over a year before I even had an acct.  That was my therapy before I had therapy.  Plus I could do it on my own time and process.

Bari Jo

[DawnOday]

Sounds like the Doctor is doing therapist work. That's the good thing about second opinions. They are available. You might even go online for sign off as there are many therapists that use Skype for remote interviews. What about informed consent? Check the wiki above for resources in your area. Do not use the Psychology Today referrals because they don't seem to identify Gender Therapists. Your local support group should either have their own medical component like Ingersoll Gender Center has or have references in the area.
https://www.susans.org/links/Help_&_How-to//Youth//
https://www.susans.org/links/Local_Support_Groups_&_Organizations//

[Devlyn]

Hi LJH24, welcome to Susan's Place!

This is my first day at Susan's. My son had his appt today with his Dr. where we were hoping that he would be getting a rx to start HRT. But that didn't happen.  The Dr. said he didn't think my son was ready for that step based on his conversation with my son's therapist.  My son is so sad. I'm worried he is going to sink even further into depression now.  I "kind of" understand the Dr.'s reasoning.  Admitting he is transgender is fairly new to my son.  He is 19 and just told me 3 months ago. He has not wanted us to start using feminine pronouns yet and still seems "uncomfortable" about himself. Also, the Dr. is concerned that he hasn't come out to very many people yet and wants him to build that support group before he starts HRT.  But still, I'm worried. Is this typical for Dr's to make patients wait?

If a patient is in the questioning phase, I don't think it is the correct time to start hormones. The self acceptance and decision to move forward must come first, before irreversible medical treatment. There are so many options between birth gender and full medical transition that we need to really know where we want to land and live out our lives.

See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Becca Kay]

So ... the 3 of us had a talk this afternoon.  Me, my son and my husband. It didn't go well.  We talked with him about the Dr's appointment and the suggestions from everyone here.  My husband and I tried to get some indication from him about where he would like to proceed from here.  Most of the responses were "I don't know."  If this is what his therapist goes through every week, I feel bad for her.  He just.won't.talk.  We asked him if he was sure about want to transition. He is.  But he's not happy about it.  He said he doesn't want to be transgender. He knows he is, but he isn't happy about it.  And now he's mad at me.   

I'm middle aged and only coming out to people now.  I can't imagine how it would have been for me if i'd gone through it with my parents involved.  Back when I was a teen I couldn't conduct any type of serious conversation with my parents.  It was partly beause they are homophobes.  But a lot of it was simply my immature nature and my inability to express myself at that age.

Your child has probably suffered from dysphoria for a long time, but taking action to deal with it is just starting.  At times it won't go smoothly and he will have doubts and question himself.  It's OK.  He has to make the decisions.  It's only been a few months since you and he have started to deal with it together.  As long as he continues with therapy don't worry if it takes a bit more time before he starts HRT.  If he really wants it he'll take the other steps he needs to make it happen. 

[JulieOnHerWay]

There are TG experienced Drs  and Drs that this is a fairly new experience, also the therapist should be a gender specialist. I say this because you mentioned that the Dr said he had not come out to enough people. Coming out to people should never be a necessity for determining the readyness.

19 years old is no longer a minor and is a wonderful time to start HRT, It will avoid many of the strong maculine physical looks that develop with age. I do suggest that a sperm bank be used to store the sperm in case later in life she will want a child.

A 3 month try at HRT could help confirn her gender, HRTs greatest effects is changing how we think and its hard for people who have not experienced 2 lives like us to understand. If we are mentally female we will find estrogen to be a bliss and give us peace. If not mentally female it will be quickly evident to her.

We tgs take time to accept what we are, some suffer greatly,  and HRT is the first confirmation on our long journey to be who we should always have been.

I wish, your soon to be daughter, the smoothest journey to become who she should have been. Have a wonderful holiday season.

Good advice as we have come to expect from a culturally different point of view. 
Thanks for dropping in still, Bobbie.  I for one always appreciate your messages.