So, here i go....

[RetroTS]

Greetings everyone!

If this post is a bit long, i apologize. I have got to vent and ask some questions.

I suppose my story is the same as many of you on here.

In the mid to late 70's as a very young child, i was fascinated by girls. Not in the attraction sense mind you, but rather, a fascination in who and what they were. They got to wear all of the fun and frilly stuff, got to grow their hair long, they were allowed (for the most part, this was the southern US) to express who they were. It became apparent at an early age that something was different about me. I genuinely, emphatically, and SERIOUSLY hated sports. I couldn't stand GI Joe or any of the other crap they sold for boys in that era. I was more infatuated by technical stuff, how things worked. I had naturally effeminate mannerisms, which led to bullying in school. At an early age i had to learn how to act masculine.

Puberty hit, and i hated what i saw in the mirror. Hair in places i didn't want. My cross-dressing ramps up at this point. I used to dream of the day i could get my drivers license so i could go SHOPPING!!!! I was a secret fashionista in those days, paying attention to the latest trends in female attire. When the day came that i had a small amount of freedom, i was very quickly reminded of where i lived and what happens to people who are very different from the norm. A gay kid was beaten very badly at my school and the officials did absolutely nothing to prevent it or punish those who were responsible.  Deep into the closet i go....

I dated girls to keep up appearances, trying to convince myself i was normal. This sort of thinking would later play out in a bad way. Through out college in the big city, i saw a lot more tolerance; people were openly gay/lesbian. There was a trans woman who was just simply stunning however i didn't dare reach out to her. Got appearances to keep up. One of many missed opportunities to connect with someone i could talk to.   

Once i moved out on my own the cross-dressing went overboard, yet i could never go outside. I would experiment with guys and feel unbelievably guilty about it afterwards. My wardrobe has increased at this point where i have more femme stuff than male stuff. All real emotions are bottled up and tucked away until.....

I started getting a lot of flak for not being married by this point. From everyone. So i started researching online on how to date women, how to talk to them. When they rejected me, it was a personal hit emotionally. After all i am supposed to be NORMAL. It started taking it's toll, i started shutting down inside. After one particularly bad instance, i went numb, just numb. I was on vacation and i drove 18 hours straight to get back home all of it weighing heavily on my mind. The next day, i did all of my usual routines and i felt like a zombie. Numb, only giving a smile to keep up appearances. That night it hit. The tears came, howling uncontrollable sobs of grief came across me. I was defective, a reject, a freak and i needed to end it. For whatever reason, i reached out to my parents via phone. I so wanted to come out right then, but the courage wasn't there. After several hours, they talked me down and they thought that it would be best for me to enroll in martial arts classes. Fine i thought maybe this is the answer.

I enjoyed it thoroughly and it gave me confidence! But it never resolved the problem, and two marriages later (fortunately no kids) i was honestly back to square one. With the help of a fantastic therapist (I'm seeing her now) i found the courage to admit i was gay and come out to those who are close to me.

Still though something was still missing. More dressing, more shopping, my femme mannerisms start coming back. I try to reason with it and its coming on strong. I really start getting into androgynous clothing and it keeps things at bay. The femme feelings start coming in waves (they always did, however this go around they are much more intense). It all started becoming obsessive to a degree, affecting my day to day life. I start taking notes about it all and i make an appointment with my therapist.           

My therapist is the no nonsense sort, she does her best to cut to the chase. I presented my case, my notes. I asked her if this is what gender dysphoria truly feels like, and she answered with a very simple "yes". I am on the cusp of getting my letter for HRT.

Ohhhh ->-bleeped-<-. This is getting real....

So, to come to a point of all of this, I am terrified.

Seriously, genuinely, and honestly truly scared to my core.

My parents and my brother would probably accept me (they are extremely progressive, mom and brother accepted that i am gay), yet my parents health problems are so great (no fault of their own. One by Lyme's disease, one by serving in a war that sprayed chemicals that injured everyone involved) that me coming out would simply add more to their stress. I honestly don't want to do that.

I am apprehensive as to what is to about to happen, yet something keeps pushing me forward. Part of me wants to stand on a mountain top and scream "Screw you world!!!! I am ME!" and the other wants to go back to the comfortable. Hell, i can't even think of what of what i would want as a female name....

Can i ask, you the community, to give me your thoughts on the following:

1. Do hormones, even on low doses, bring clarity to this storm? 

2. Am i a bastard for never telling my parents who i really am? So much guilt is surrounding me on this. I feel as if I can't go forward on the journey.

3. Did any of you face this apprehension standing on the edge of tomorrow? 

4. Does the fear of transitioning ever subside? 

Thanks to everyone 

[Jailyn]

1. Do hormones, even on low doses, bring clarity to this storm? 

2. Am i a bastard for never telling my parents who i really am? So much guilt is surrounding me on this. I feel as if I can't go forward on the journey.

3. Did any of you face this apprehension standing on the edge of tomorrow? 

4. Does the fear of transitioning ever subside? 

Thanks to everyone 

I will address you questions. Your story I will say will resonate with many of us on here. I was similar and hid the gd from everyone never shared it. My ex knew of my desire but, told me I had to stay a boy. So many years I was forced to be who I didn't feel I was at all. So I can feel you. Yes the hormones even low dose help with the gd and all the stress associated with it. It did in my case anyway they have helped me find myself and my confidence with transition.

You should not feel like a bastard for wanting to come out as the person you are. This is all about loving yourself and accepting yourself. Our loved ones will stress and have to adjust to a new reality of life. You don't have to have a name picked out immediately. Look in baby books, ask your parents what your name might have been if you were a girl, maybe you want to keep the same initials you have now, or the female version of your name if there is one. There are many methods we all take for naming ourselves. Each one takes a different approach. You want to be open with yourself and be as you are to the world. You said it exactly as I felt coming out this year "F*** you world this is my life, my happiness, and it's time for me to live." You know just be understanding with your parents and see things from their view but, you are an adult at the same time, so they should understand to a degree.

I have faced apprehension for a few years and hid it from everyone. It is natural to have fear and apprehension. It wouldn't be normal if we didn't. Think of it in most basic of terms, it is our fight or flight mode kicking in. So you have to choose are you going to fight or fly? I think the fear of transitioning does subside as you get comfortable in your own skin and going out as yourself. I had this for several months, even using the proper restroom I would go in all meek and timid. Now I just go in. So great questions!!!! Welcome come grab a seat and ask away on here we are an inviting bunch and it's a safe place here!!!!!

[krobinson103]

Hello and welcome. Your Story echoes many here. You are in for one roller coaster ride going forward so strap in!

1. Do hormones, even on low doses, bring clarity to this storm? 

Yes, rather quickly. You will find anxiety and doubt leave and you are free. Even if you don't notice many other changes the mental ones are big.

2. Am i a bastard for never telling my parents who i really am? So much guilt is surrounding me on this. I feel as if I can't go forward on the journey.

No. I never told anyone till I was 43 with two kids.

3. Did any of you face this apprehension standing on the edge of tomorrow?

YES! Its terrifying and amazing at the same time. Have the courage to take the steps you feel you need to take.

4. Does the fear of transitioning ever subside?

Can't answer that one. Its only been a few months for me, so lots of new things are scary. However, that just means you have to get out there and get past the fear. You won't regret it if you do.

You'll find a lot of people here with a range of stories and backgrounds. Live the dream and don't let your fear of what may or may not happen stop you.

[KathyLauren]

1. Do hormones, even on low doses, bring clarity to this storm?
Yes.  The squirrels chattering in my head quieted down considerably.

2. Am i a bastard for never telling my parents who i really am?
No.  You weren't ready.  That's not a crime; that's life.  I never got the chance to tell my parents, because I only figured myself out late in life.  Tell them when you are ready to do so.

3. Did any of you face this apprehension standing on the edge of tomorrow? 
Oh, yes, I think everyone does.  I felt it most prior to coming out to my wife.  I stood on the edge of that ledge for months.  Once I finally told her and had an ally by my side, the rest has been easier.  Not totally stress-free, but the stress gets less with every step forward.

4. Does the fear of transitioning ever subside? 
Yes it does.  I got to the point where I enjoyed coming out.  But there's no one left to come out to!    As I said above, each step forward feels better. 

I had picked a date to come out to my community.  As the date approached, I still felt considerable fear.  I scheduled an appointment with my therapist to talk about my fears.  She suggested doing more work on them in future sessions.  Well, I got home and thought that there was no way I could get another appointment before my planned coming-out date.  And when I realized that there was no way in hell that I was going to change that date, my fears were gone.  Poof, vanished!

[Bari Jo]

Hello, yes your story in some ways echo my own.  I'll answer is best I can.  Being trans is a rough ride.  Accepting myself was the most difficult part of the journey.

Bari Jo

]1. Do hormones, even on low doses, bring clarity to this storm?
Yes, for me this was almost instantaneous.  The problem with that though is you feel normal and after a while.  I convinced myself I didn't need it, and quit several times.  I had to do a lot of therapy to accept that I do need it.

2. Am i a bastard for never telling my parents who i really am? So much guilt is surrounding me on this. I feel as if I can't go forward on the journey
I am right there with you here.  I came out to my parents just a couple weeks ago at age 47.  They both thanked me for doing it, and I'm glad I did.  They are learning how to interact again, but are accepting at least.

3. Did any of you face this apprehension standing on the edge of tomorrow?
God yes, still do, there are so many fears being trans.  Getting over each one deserves its own party.

4. Does the fear of transitioning ever subside?
I think so.  I am slowly socially transitioning.  For me, it was the fear of how I would live with myself if I didn't transition.  I have never had thoughts of suicide before, but my thoughts were dark and scary.  Transitioning at that point seemed the easier way out, still scary, but manageable.

My advice after this is to join a support group and do therapy.  You don't have to jump right in to transitioning.  Being able to accept myself and not feeling shame and guilt all the time helped me with the transitioning part.

[Ayla]

Dear Retro

First welcome to Susans and thank you for your post.  Each of our journeys and each of our lived experiences differ.  Your journey will be uniquely yours.  Please don't stress over the destination or over the speed.  Your journey will take just as long as it takes.

1. Do hormones, even on low doses, bring clarity to this storm?  Yes.  Emotional clarity came fast and was quite profound.  It calmed my distress and enriched my relationship with my self and with others. I experienced this on both low and high doses of hrt.

2. Am i a bastard for never telling my parents who i really am? So much guilt is surrounding me on this. I feel as if I can't go forward on the journey.  Absolutely not.  Only you can or should decide if or when you wish to tell any person in your life.  It took me a while.  But eventually I reached the conclusion that I did not want my parents to pass without ever getting to know the real me.  I felt that I would be dishonouring our relationship if they died without me sharing my truth.

3. Did any of you face this apprehension standing on the edge of tomorrow?  Yes.  Apprehension.  Fear.  You name it and I felt it.  Change will do this.  Change is scary.  Changing the nature of your relationship with yourself and with those that know you is also scary.  But after the first 'coming out' the conversations become easier.  Now it seems quite easy and quite natural to share my journey, my identity and my trust with those whom I choose to share this with.

4. Does the fear of transitioning ever subside? Yes.  It will take time  It most likely will depend upon therapy, hrt, your living situation, your family, your employer and your ability to find supportive relationships in the cis and in the trans community.  From experience you will find support and love in the most unexpected places.  Hrt enriched and saved my life.  I hope that you enjoy a similar experience.

Safe travels

Aisla

[RetroTS]

OMG I'm nearly in tears of happiness! Thank you so much for your thoughtful responses!

Next week i will be seeing my therapist and we will move forward with the process of HRT.

I will keep you updated