Have you desperately tried to conform as your assigned sex?

[PurpleWolf]

What things have you done to desperately fit in with your assigned sex? Gone to the army? Trying to be super masculine/feminine? In what ways?

For how long? Just once or many times during your life?

Have you gone back and forth: trying to transition (and even take hormones) only to revert back to your assigned sex?

How did that make you feel?

What made you conform or revert back once again?

What was the catalyst to finally start living as your authentic self?

---
As I identified as boy at 13, I really didn't have that... Though as a child I have many experiences when I desperately wanted to fit in with the girls and did stuff that wasn't naturally 'me'. But this question is aimed more at adult life, of course. My most memorable experience must be at 14 - when my parents etc. tried to make me conform back to being a girl. I even got a bikini (! - my first one) for a family vacation and wore a skirt there... I felt like a man in drag. I remember sitting on a bench - wanting to die. Soon after that I just let myself to be a boy again and couldn't understand how I'd let them make me do all that  . Weak moment I guess... People around me were trying to make me believe I was insane for feeling like a boy inside.

Not sure if I've ever identified as a girl/woman since [NO!] - but there have been down moments when I've conformed a bit... And though always identified as man inside, have felt 'numb' & 'nothing I can do about this'. So, not really conformed... but 'accepted' my (current) fate & tried to come to terms with being AFAB. (Including wishing I was "just non-binary" & could cope with this all without medically transitioning.)

And that has only lead to resentment & hatred inside.   

[Julia1996]

I never tried to conform to what a guy is supposed act like. I was extremely resistant to anything masculine from a very young age. My dad told me when I was little I would get totally mean if someone tried to "correct" my feminine behavior. I'm very lucky my dad was so tolerant with me. I would have totally and completely failed at trying to be a boy and if my dad had been intolerant and actually punished me for feminine behavior my life would have been a hellish nightmare.

[MeTony]

I was a boy until I got to around 20 years old. Met my husband. I tried so hard to be a normal mom and wife for 10 years. I ended up suicidal.

Now I'm back on track.

I hated girls cloths. Got in argues and fights with my teachers in school because I refused to wear a swimsuit or girlish cloths during sports class.

Later they got the picture though. It was me and the guys playing basket ball, rugby, soccer etc. I was never one of the girls.

Something happened in my 20's. I tried to be someone else. It didn't work. Not for long. I compared myself to the other girls and tried to be the same. But I didnot know how. I never was a girl. It made me confused and depressed.


Tony

[Elis]

Periodically. When I was 13 was talked into getting my ears pierced bcos that's what girls do. Around the same time I did wear the odd article of female clothing on really rare occasions but just never felt right. Got my hair cut in a fem way at 16 to try and fit in but shockingly didn't make me feel any less wrong within my body.

[PurpleWolf]

but shockingly didn't make me feel any less wrong within my body.

[sf_erika]

The first thing that comes to mind for me is drinking.  I'm a small person, and i consciously  remember trying to drink my taller/stronger guy friends under the table in college.  Somehow that made me feel more manly.  I was never really in to many other guy things like sports etc.  But I did also try to avoid anything feminine - no matter how interested I was - so as nobody would question my masculinity.


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[DawnOday]

I really did not think of sex until I was 21. Then I met Wen. We had sex the couple times a week we were together but when we got married, there we are sleeping together 7 days a week and I could not hang. I didn't know why at the time. We got a divorce after she cheated on me. Three years later I met Jo. we have never been sexually active per se. That said, we do have two children together. We have not had sex since Oct 6,1993 the day I went in for Aortic heart valve surgery. I have since had three more open heart surgery's and 6 pacemaker replacements, a couple of heart attacks, and congestive heart failure. It was not until last year that all the evidence came into view. I have a bad heart for the same reason I have a mini phallus and late descending testicles. DES exposure in utero. Due to the times I just thought I was a pervert who enjoyed wearing women's clothing but have come to understand the complex feelings I have had from a very young age. That was the picture of Trans available at the time. Shame. I did not want to be a drag queen or a ->-bleeped-<-. In the eye of the public those were the two options. So I continued dressing in women's clothes and wearing makeup in my bedroom, privately. Outwardly I had male traits but that is about all. I've never been macho. Never had muscles, never really had much of a personality. Had a habit of peeing on myself because I could not stretch enough to get past the zipper so I have mainly sat to pee. Not very macho at all. In fact playing baseball was about as macho as I ever got. But I was really good at baseball. But the ladies always said I was a good listener.

[Allison S]

Well.. i always avoided makeup and "feminine" clothing. For the most part. It wasn't like I was trying to be hyper masculine either. I cut my hair short thinking it suits me. It was always SO stressful cutting my hair short for as long as I remember...

Edit- so I guess it wasn't what I did to act masculine but what I didn't do to be myself.

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[Ryuichi13]

What things have you done to desperately fit in with your assigned sex? Gone to the army? Trying to be super masculine/feminine? In what ways? 

I did the whole "get married, get pregnant, give birth, raise a kid" thing.  I also used to dress fem-sexily whenever I went out with my then-husband.  Raising my kid was great, and an experience I wouldn't trade for anything, but the marriage, not so much.  One husband was a abuser, and the other turned out to be a pedophile.  After that, I decided to be myself, in whatever form that took. That meant I was pretty much androgynous for much of the time, but I felt male inside.  My entire life I wore jeans, t-shirts and tennis shoes, so it didn't really matter what I wore when we went out.

One of my erliest memories is being pissed at my Mom for me being born female.  I've never really fit in, but I got really good at faking it, as long as I wasn't made to wear dresses.  I even permed my hair for years.  It just made me miserable.

For how long? Just once or many times during your life?

See the above answer.

Have you gone back and forth: trying to transition (and even take hormones) only to revert back to your assigned sex?

Nope, never. 

How did that make you feel?

N/A

What made you conform or revert back once again?

N/A

What was the catalyst to finally start living as your authentic self?

I used to think I was the only one that felt like I was born in the wrong body...until 2014.  I not only found out the name of what I am, but that I"m not the only one!  After doing a LOT of research and thought, I decided to transition in September of 2016.  My kid is now grown and has kids of their own, being disabled, I no longer need to worry about my career, and I no longer live in my home state.  It was time.

Ryuichi

[PidgeTPN]

I tried for the sake of a couple relationships, because the men I was with in said relationships were in the military and "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" hadn't been repealed yet. I tried so hard to pretend to be female just to make sure they didn't get discharged because of me, not that I passed anyways but I didn't want to risk it. It hurt so badly emotionally and mentally, but I pushed through it.

[Thea]

I did all of the "tough guy" stuff that was expected of me.

When I was 12 I joined a boxing gym and got pretty good. But...I would sneak out of the house in short shorts and halter tops to go to the mall and look at all the pretty clothes that I wished I could have.
After high school, I enlisted in the Army. I always volunteered for the most dangerous jobs. But...While I was stationed in W. Berlin, W. Germany I would sneak out to the drag clubs (even though getting caught could have landed me in army jail) to catch a show and dream of being one of the girls.

After the Army I got into he-man macho construction work, seriously took up drinking and picking fights in biker bars. That pretty much drowned out any thoughts of transitioning I had for a while. I even got married and had 2 kids. But...Every few years I would buy myself a pretty outfit and wear it whenever I was home alone. Then I would start feeling guilty and afraid my wife would find it so I would get rid of it. I repeated that pattern for almost 25 years.

I had been depressed most of my life, even suicidal at times. About 5 years ago, I made a new friend at work who convinced me to do something about it. I joined AA to quit drinking and started seeing a therapist. Both AA and the therapy made me take a long hard look at myself. Neither much tolerates denial so I had to face the fact that I am transgender and need to be true to myself, so here I am.

[PurpleWolf]

When I was 12 I joined a boxing gym and got pretty good.

Boxing?! Poor thing  !

After high school, I enlisted in the Army.

You didn't  !!!

Finally an army story, I knew it'd come up,  !

After the Army I got into he-man macho construction work, seriously took up drinking and picking fights in biker bars. That pretty much drowned out any thoughts of transitioning I had for a while. I even got married and had 2 kids. But...Every few years I would buy myself a pretty outfit and wear it whenever I was home alone. Then I would start feeling guilty and afraid my wife would find it so I would get rid of it. I repeated that pattern for almost 25 years.

For 25 years?!! Sounds horrible!!!

Both AA and the therapy made me take a long hard look at myself. Neither much tolerates denial so I had to face the fact that I am transgender and need to be true to myself, so here I am.

That's cool you are here finally  ! & finally have your life back on track!!! Congrats!

May I ask were you ever really into any of that stuff?! (army, construction, boxing etc...) Or was it just for conforming sake?

[Thea]

Boxing?! Poor thing  !
You didn't  !!!

It started because I had a bully who would beat me up at school, beginning in the 1st grade. Nobody would do anything about it. Nobody at school knew I was taking boxing over the summer. When school started up in the fall, my bully came at me, thinking he would beat me up again. I showed him different. That felt pretty good.

May I ask were you ever really into any of that stuff?! (army, construction, boxing etc...) Or was it just for conforming sake?

I was brought up in a very conservative family. I was taught that my feelings of femininity were wrong and sick. I did the best I could to fight those feelings. All that stuff was not just for conforming or convincing others, it was also about convincing myself.

I was really good at all those things and any time a person excels at something, it's bound to feel good on at least one level or another. At the same time it still felt phoney.

[dissipate]

What things have you done to desperately fit in with your assigned sex? Gone to the army? Trying to be super masculine/feminine? In what ways?

I've worn dresses, skirts, (but no bikini sorry lol), heels, makeup, carried handbags, had long hair.

For how long? Just once or many times during your life?

Many times, especially after I started working, just to try to fit in and appear normal. It was all a pretense, and horribly uncomfortable..... I felt like a guy trying to dress like a girl. And I don't understand how women can stand balancing on wobbly heels, carrying little handbags, wearing tight skirts and dresses that don't allow you to walk properly 

Have you gone back and forth: trying to transition (and even take hormones) only to revert back to your assigned sex?
How did that make you feel?
What made you conform or revert back once again?

Nope.

What was the catalyst to finally start living as your authentic self?

Feeling really sad that people don't see me as a guy, whenever I see my body in the mirror, and feeling like I can't have any proper and really authentic friendships and maybe even a relationship with anyone till I transition.

[Kylo]

What things have you done to desperately fit in with your assigned sex? Gone to the army? Trying to be super masculine/feminine? In what ways?

Nothing. Fitting in was something I would have liked, but it wasn't happening. I never felt the need to fit in. I would rather have been myself and done things my way than theirs. Which I did.

I suspect this was because my parents failed to socialize me adequately as a young child. As a result when I met others at nursery, school and later in adult life, they are always "just people" and whether or not they approve of me doesn't matter. They aren't my circle, and I don't have to belong to them. My circle of people I interact in any way that is meaningful to me is always very small, and any opinions outside of it are not going to influence me much.

The downside of this lack of socalization was that it took me quite a long time to learn to interact normally with people outside of that circle.

What was the catalyst to finally start living as your authentic self?

Finding some information that proved my "symptoms" weren't just some personality issues, but common indicators of a condition for which there is treatment.

[Sol]

What things have you done to desperately fit in with your assigned sex? Gone to the army? Trying to be super masculine/feminine? In what ways?

I have gone through stages where i would grow my hair out, wear dresses ect but I always felt naked and really upset. I would become depressed and hate myself.

For how long? Just once or many times during your life?

I have tried many times to fit into gender norms and just can't do it.

Have you gone back and forth: trying to transition (and even take hormones) only to revert back to your assigned sex?

I have always just been the worlds biggest tomboy. I didn't know really about becoming transmale until after i had 2 kids. I brought it up with my ex husband and he dismissed me. I brought it up with my current partner and he dismissed me also. Whenever i get dismissed, i try so hard to be a girl but it backfires every time.

How did that make you feel?

Like poo

What made you conform or revert back once again?

see above

What was the catalyst to finally start living as your authentic self?

My partner fineally agreed for me to transition after years of talking to him about it. He has since gone back on his word but I don't care. I got the jolt I needed.

[PurpleWolf]

How did that make you feel?[/b]

Like poo

My partner fineally agreed for me to transition after years of talking to him about it. He has since gone back on his word but I don't care. I got the jolt I needed.

Remember this is YOUR life & YOUR decision. You do not need anyone's approval for that!!! Good luck!

[JoanneB]

What things have you done to desperately fit in with your assigned sex? Gone to the army? Trying to be super masculine/feminine? In what ways?

For how long? Just once or many times during your life?

Have you gone back and forth: trying to transition (and even take hormones) only to revert back to your assigned sex?

How did that make you feel?

What made you conform or revert back once again?

What was the catalyst to finally start living as your authentic self?

Great questions at a bad time to ask 

How far have I gone?  Keeping true to my basic geek and Motor Head self?  Can you say dropping 350 cu In of potent Chevy power into a...Vega? Rice Rockets? Nitirous oxide subsidized? Same for cars decades before "Fast & Furious"?   More engines & bodies I care to remember. 

On the geek side there is dealing with on almost a daily basis voltages & stored energy capable of turning me into a smoldering ember to the occasional I did it again, 300 Joule across the fingers full body twitching for five seconds.

Death Wish?  I should be so lucky. Three time loser on that front 

My first "Experiment" with transitioning was my late teens... An utter fail. One utter failed marriage later and another few years, another utter fail for this 6ft tall freak of nature. Then I "Resigned" myself to "Just a CD" status for some 30-40 years. Then too much time alone with my thoughts as company took it's toll.

The final (?) experiment started 8-9 years ago. I found joy. Found peace. All while other life issues, aspects of ME that in their totality comprise more then gender's 20% or so of what makes me, ME, were pushed aside. Today there is no more ignoring the reality of my life. Dreams == Despair. Wishes == Heart Ache.

I set a life into motion 40 years ago... There is no turning that ship about now, especially with the precious cargo that relies on me.

[PurpleWolf]

Joanne, I feel for you!

Maybe these can be of some help:

[natalie.ashlyne]

Yes I have before I used to try to lift weights a few times a week, I slept around with mutiple women because I was taught that is what guys do, I argued with anyone just to prove my point, I did not treat women fully nice I would make comment like women belong in the kitchen sort of male chauvinistic pig tip. I was trying my hardest to fit in but never did.