Private fantasies and desires question - warning mature content

[Clairetheanalytical]

Hey Girls,

I feel really weird asking this question but it's really starting to put doubts in my mind. I'm a 24 pre-HRT MtF but I'm getting my hormone prescription by end of next week. I'm really excited about getting the process going but something is bugging me... I don't have any issues with my body as male but I am looking forward to the changes that come with HRT and feel fine giving up male characteristics for female (including changes to the penis and testicles, although I don't have any desire for SRS). But currently my sexual interests are causing confusion... I currently masturbate as male and the sort of porn I tend to use is: femdom, forced feminization, chastity, forced bi etc... I've literally had those fetishes from the beginning of puberty and for awhile that's really all it was... a fetish. But obviously interest in being female as evolved past being a pure fetish. But I still enjoy these fantasies...

I guess what I'm wondering is if anyone has any similar experiences? This kind of makes me worried that maybe this isn't truly what I want. Even though I'm very excited about all the changes that come with HRT (I've done extensive research) and I can still envision a future as a girl. I even have a hard time picturing myself functioning in a relationship as male... But one with a girl or another trans girl where I can also express and be feminine seems like it would be really satisfying and just more enjoyable than a traditional relationship where I'm stuck wearing boring stuff... it's hard for me to admit but I'm definitely bisexual as well... from a relationship standpoint right now I do want to be with a feminine figure (cis or trans girl).

Long winded I know... but I just wanted to get this out there and see if anyone has any perspective they could share.

Thanks so much for reading girls

[Roll]

While I never had those particular fetishes, I wouldn't worry too much about them from a "am I really trans" standpoint. Testosterone messes with your head big time, and there is no telling which direction your brain will go in to cope. There's also a ton of people here who have spoken about their past (or present) with things in the ballpark, who are definitively happy transitioning.

It's impossible for me or anyone to say if this is what you truly want, but at the very least I can say what you've spoken of isn't disqualifying, or something that in and of itself an indicator that this is not for you at all.

[Megan.]

Hi Claire, you're not alone in having these thoughts, I shared some of these, and I've seen other posts here to the same.

What I came to realise (at least for myself) was that these desires where just my subconscious trying to find ways of abrigating the responsibility of what it really wanted. Now I'm living full-time, they hold no allure for me, and the T blocker has hugely reduced my urge/libido.

Fantasy is not reality, living as a woman very quickly becomes as mundane as living as a man, but I'm still a heck of a lot happier in myself despite loosing much in the progress.

Good luck with everything. X

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[amandam]

I have the same fetishes, except the chastity part. There is a theory that you are into these particular fetishes because it gives you "permission" to be female. "They forced me, it wasn't my fault.".  Mine has changed with acceptance of being transgender. These fetishes have lessened. What is growing is the thought of being female during sex. If I need a release, I am almost always a woman having sex in my fantasies. It's now about 90%. The former fantasies are still there, but 10%. It used to be the other way around before admitting transness.

I don't know what this means long-term. I prefer the company of women in everything. But the thought of being postop and being penetrated is very strong.

[Rachel]

You have had to compensate for a life that you have been denied. I would not worry about your sexual desires they will evolve. They will change and perhaps your desire for GCS will change too. Transition will cause you to see and experiance things you never imagined. Remember to breath and enjoy life.

Congratulations on HRT. Transition is a journey it provided me a huge amout of relief from GD.

I have always been submissive and always desired guys. Just the way I am wired. I guess I am heterosexual.

[HappyMoni]

People who are trans who desire transition are (in most cases) sexual beings. That is totally natural. The problem is that you have sexual ideas that don't match up to the reality of your social situation or many times your body. As a result, the sexuality of the pre-transition person many times gets squeezed to fit between the desired life and the reality life. So many people see this as being a fetish existence rather than a legitimate sexual pattern. There is so much guilt put  on trans people that very often the fantasy becomes enjoyable  when it involves you being forced to be your true gender. Can you say guilt relief? I wish this whole fetish idea occurred to trans people a whole lot less. It causes people to worry unnecessarily. We too often seem so guilty about sexuality and it causes us to question the legitimacy of our gender identity. I would say that if you are on the front end of a transition, things will change for you as you go. It is hard or impossible to know exactly how. Many folks see their transition goals change, their view of their sexuality change, and their self image change.  If you are driven to transition, it probably won't let you off the hook. It won't disappear. I would pay more attention  to talking to a therapist and getting real life experience in the desired gender. These things will show you what is real and what is not right for you.
Moni

[Clairetheanalytical]

Thanks girls your responses made me feel better. I really hope things do change but I hope I'm not putting too much hope in it if you know what I mean. Real life experience is hard right now because I just don't feel validated to do anything "girly" and I'm not sure I'd even know how as crazy as that sounds :/. I look like a guy, sound like a guy etc... Not to mention I'm a very anxious person, even attempting lipstick gave me a huge drop in my chest because I just have no idea what I'm doing . I guess I'm hoping E calms me down enough that I can learn the barrage of new things I need and want to learn... but that's been a long standing issue for me no matter what I'm trying to learn so I don't think it'll vanish so easily ughhh... rough night tonight 

[HappyMoni]

Claire,
   Take a deep breath. Know that there is time to learn. When I first thought of doing anything in my real gender, it was pretty intimidating. It comes down to taking steps. A good analogy is needing to climb a mountain. If you think of the whole mountain you may never start. Instead, it is better to think of the small steps you take. The more you do, the better your confidence will be. There are still things that intimidate the heck out of me. Don't panic, try to stay positive.
Moni

[Clairetheanalytical]

Thanks Moni that really helped! Analogies always hit home for me. On the bright side I finally figured out why eyelash curlers weren't working for me. Small win but I'll take it

[sarah1972]

For your original post:  for me it was ,,been there, done that". Very similar experiences you have. It took HRT about 3 month to almost completely stop this. It has completely changed my sexual desires and I have gotten rid of a lot of the toys and accessories I had out of that time. The way I look at it is that I tried to compensate for something I could not explain.

Also for makeup and everything else, including going out: I was a nervous wreck. And I still am when it comes to special occasions or completely unknown environments, even after being full time for 5 month.

Went to our local trans holiday party and I planned my outfit for almost a week...

Makeup is now just a full routine. If absolutely necessary I can do a simple makeup in under 10 minutes. Mostly around 15 minutes. First few times was more like 60 minutes.

You will see how much HRT will change you. It is completely amazing!

[Clairetheanalytical]

Omg Sarah your comment made me so happy and excited! I keep hearing people say that it won't change you but seeing as hormones control a fair amount of things including some brain chemistry it may not change who you are but I feel like your interests and desires must a bit. And those plus some physical changes could probably alter behaviour and maybe even movement a bit.

I'm just hoping that it makes me feel more comfortable and makes things especially feminine things feel a little more natural if you know what I mean.

[Laurie]

   Alright Claire I guess it's my turn to chime in here with a little moral support from someone else. Like Sarah says "been there, done that". Prior to beginning HRT and shortly thereafter I perused those shadier free sites online to indulge my fantasies. I always imagined myself in the feminine role. It occupied so much of my days at times that I marveled at myself and wondered why this obsession with it. I had never been so ummm active. I gave chastity a try and bought several items in that genre. After starting HRT it continued for a month or so and I have to credit Susan's Place as assisting to reduce my activities as I began spending so much of my time here that with the hrt and the active participation here my focus changed. It wasn't long at all and all that stopped. I am rarely aroused by anything now days. I will need to relearn everything all over again should I ever again feel a need for it. At 65 and alone for all intents and purposes, I doubt I ever will.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[MissNatalieL]

OMG I thought this was just me! I just got a call today to schedule my appointment for HRT, which isn't till February...

This is a little more graphic than I would like it to be... But this is a subject I've always wondered about. I have always been worried that this is just a way to pleasure myself... I have been having these thoughts and fantasies (which all include being the female role in any type of porn (mostly bondage and bdsm) as well as forced feminization port) since puberty started, and really the only thing I get aroused to... I have had a couple girlfriends in the past but I was never interested in intercourse as my mind would drift off and I would wish I was her, which would end my arousal... That made me confident that they weren't just fantasies. Another thing that helped me is I have felt trans since around 5 years old, I think once I hit puberty that was just a way to cope around it. As of right now I am super excited to start hormones, and I am finally getting more comfortable with my feminine side! I have also found that since getting in touch with my feminine side, I have reduced the amount of time I get aroused, from once a day to around twice a week, maybe once a week, and that has helped me really realize this isn't just a fantasy I enjoy thinking about.

I do know what you are going through though Clairetheanalytical  I started out buying everything online! I couldn't even walk through the womens section without feeling weak and sick because I was so nervous  I do look somewhat like a guy (I have always had a somewhat feminine figure though), I talk like a guy, I even still have a guy personality... Heck my friend who is gay has a more feminine voice than me  But that doesn't stop me from enjoying my feminine side! I've bought just about every type of feminine product at least once in the store, I have went out en femme a couple times, my next step is Makeup, which I have already spent about $200 on  hehe... But it is so much fun and I've realized you can look really cute when you look good 

[krobinson103]

Fantasy had been coping mechanism for me for years. Even when it came to the marital bed. Eventually it reached the stage I couldn't function in that way anymore. For a few years I simply stopped caring about it. The fact that the children stay with mum in bed made it easier to avoid. However, I became more interested in '3d transformation' etc mostly focused on gender shifting.

Given time alone from the family I finally had time to really think about what this deep seated need really was, and why not really live it? Since I did that there are no more fantasies, because it has become reality. Certainly not an easy reality, and one prone to many problems. However, I feel that the risks and consequences are lesser than never really living your life to the fullest.

Just food for thought.

[amandam]

A clue to our desires is the female association. For example, I want so much to dress like a woman, have a man treat me like his girl, and go down on him. I never fantasize this as a man. Gay sex between men does nothing for me. "As a girl", yes, I want a man. I still like women, prob always will.

[SadieBlake]

...
the sexuality of the pre-transition person many times gets squeezed to fit between the desired life and the reality life. So many people see this as being a fetish existence rather than a legitimate sexual pattern. There is so much guilt put  on trans people that very often the fantasy becomes enjoyable  when it involves you being forced to be your true gender. Can you say guilt relief? I wish this whole fetish idea occurred to trans people a whole lot less. It causes people to worry unnecessarily.

I would reverse the emphasis and say I wish for (and have worked some towards) a world that accepts fetish as part of sexuality. 

Claire, if you look at one of my most recent posts in my transition thread, you'll find my account of 4 decades ago having an urge to cross dress that I put aside for the next 2 decades and then the thing that pushed me to start cross dressing for real and yes, it was a partner asking me to wear feminine things.

Like others who've responded to you, my sexuality has changed -- I find I enjoy it more on the one hand, I'm more present in my body and I am generally hornier. On the other hand, I'm a lot less obsessive about sex -- meaning I'm no longer driven to masturbate daily, more likely now I engage in something sexual less often and enjoy it more when I do. I'm still pretty kinky and I completely enjoy all of the feminine accouterments that I'd done before transition. It's just that now I fully inhabit those roles and sexy clothing that before also inspired some dysphoria.

I think for me, the obsession was driven by the dissonance between where I wanted to be and all the bits of society that told me I couldn't be that person. I think that intrinsically drove sadness between my brain and body. It's completely magical to me also how just changing hormones has made such a difference.

[Clairetheanalytical]

Thanks for sharing so much everyone

It really sounds like that there are a lot of very natural changes around sexual desire and perception which is so exciting to hear. I am still a bit worried that maybe somehow i will be uncomfortable but I'm doubting that more and more now! Trying not to focus too much on things like this and physical results etc and just be excited that I'm starting HRT soon ^_^

Natalie, you hit the nail on the head for me.

OMG I thought this was just me! I just got a call today to schedule my appointment for HRT, which isn't till February...

This is a little more graphic than I would like it to be... But this is a subject I've always wondered about. I have always been worried that this is just a way to pleasure myself... I have been having these thoughts and fantasies (which all include being the female role in any type of porn (mostly bondage and bdsm) as well as forced feminization port) since puberty started, and really the only thing I get aroused to... I have had a couple girlfriends in the past but I was never interested in intercourse as my mind would drift off and I would wish I was her, which would end my arousal... That made me confident that they weren't just fantasies. Another thing that helped me is I have felt trans since around 5 years old, I think once I hit puberty that was just a way to cope around it. As of right now I am super excited to start hormones, and I am finally getting more comfortable with my feminine side! I have also found that since getting in touch with my feminine side, I have reduced the amount of time I get aroused, from once a day to around twice a week, maybe once a week, and that has helped me really realize this isn't just a fantasy I enjoy thinking about.

I do know what you are going through though Clairetheanalytical  I started out buying everything online! I couldn't even walk through the womens section without feeling weak and sick because I was so nervous  I do look somewhat like a guy (I have always had a somewhat feminine figure though), I talk like a guy, I even still have a guy personality... Heck my friend who is gay has a more feminine voice than me  But that doesn't stop me from enjoying my feminine side! I've bought just about every type of feminine product at least once in the store, I have went out en femme a couple times, my next step is Makeup, which I have already spent about $200 on  hehe... But it is so much fun and I've realized you can look really cute when you look good 

For me I definitely feel like I've crossed the threshold where it's just a fantasy. It's something I would absolutely be filled with joy to experience! I mean fashion alone both scares the crap out of me and excites me 

I'm so jealous of your courage to dress and even go in to stores traditionally for girls. I just have zero confidence as a girl yet 

[MissNatalieL]

Thanks for sharing so much everyone

It really sounds like that there are a lot of very natural changes around sexual desire and perception which is so exciting to hear. I am still a bit worried that maybe somehow i will be uncomfortable but I'm doubting that more and more now! Trying not to focus too much on things like this and physical results etc and just be excited that I'm starting HRT soon ^_^

Natalie, you hit the nail on the head for me.

For me I definitely feel like I've crossed the threshold where it's just a fantasy. It's something I would absolutely be filled with joy to experience! I mean fashion alone both scares the crap out of me and excites me 

I'm so jealous of your courage to dress and even go in to stores traditionally for girls. I just have zero confidence as a girl yet  [emoji23]

I'm so glad I helped [emoji4][emoji7][emoji8]

I will tell you a little secret that might help you, I'm always so nervous to go out en femme! I have went out twice (I don't get a chance to go out much just for me, and work doesn't know yet). The first time was to get a manicure [emoji7] I was so excited! I got all dressed up, my hair done (which is still very short on the female side), no makeup though... But I was pretty cute in my opinion [emoji23] I was so excited the drive there, wasn't nervous at all! Then I pulled up and realized this was it! I froze in my car realizing I had to walk a little ways in town to the salon! I finally got the courage and walked there, nervous every step! Once I got to the salon and sat down with the gal doing my nails and started talking to her, in my opinion she didnt treat me like a male getting a manicure, she treated me like a female getting a manicure, and i felt just like a girl, it was the best feeling I have ever felt [emoji1] I left the salon more worried about messing up my nails than if anyone was looking at me, which I can't even tell you if they were, I was paying that little attention to anything but my nails [emoji23] The second time I went out was for my therapy appointment, that wasn't as exciting as getting my nails done, but I for sure know many people seen me that time, which didn't bother me [emoji4]

So! The moral of my story, hehe... You are definitely going to be nervous going out en femme, your first time for sure, your tenth time, eh not so much, but just think of it this way, when you go out en femme, you are going to be doing something so fun that your not even going to worry about if people are looking at you or what they think [emoji4] Just like with my nails! Just imagine going out en femme and going to a store and trying on some dresses, you are probably thinking "that would make me so nervous I'm just gonna die [emoji21] but it sounds so fun!", what's REALLY going to happen when you do that... You are going to walk into the store, people are going to look, then there going to look away... They aren't going to come up to you and ask you why you are dressed like a women, they aren't going to sit there and stare at you, they are just simply going to look, and then look away. You are going to get to the dresses, still so nervous and your going to rummage through some, skipping through them quickly and biting your lip. Then your going to see a cute one you like! You will pick it up and look for some others you really like! About 10 minutes after finding that first cute dress you aren't even going to be worried if people are looking at you. Once you go to the dressing room and try it on there goes the last bit of nervousness you had in you [emoji1] I've shopped for all my feminine items in my male clothes and I've not once had someone come and talk to me about it, or have someone stare at me or give me dirty looks, it is all completely in your head [emoji39]

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[krobinson103]

I'm so glad I helped [emoji4][emoji7][emoji8]

I will tell you a little secret that might help you, I'm always so nervous to go out en femme! I have went out twice (I don't get a chance to go out much just for me, and work doesn't know yet). The first time was to get a manicure [emoji7] I was so excited! I got all dressed up, my hair done (which is still very short on the female side), no makeup though... But I was pretty cute in my opinion [emoji23] I was so excited the drive there, wasn't nervous at all! Then I pulled up and realized this was it! I froze in my car realizing I had to walk a little ways in town to the salon! I finally got the courage and walked there, nervous every step! Once I got to the salon and sat down with the gal doing my nails and started talking to her, in my opinion she didnt treat me like a male getting a manicure, she treated me like a female getting a manicure, and i felt just like a girl, it was the best feeling I have ever felt [emoji1] I left the salon more worried about messing up my nails than if anyone was looking at me, which I can't even tell you if they were, I was paying that little attention to anything but my nails [emoji23] The second time I went out was for my therapy appointment, that wasn't as exciting as getting my nails done, but I for sure know many people seen me that time, which didn't bother me [emoji4]

So! The moral of my story, hehe... You are definitely going to be nervous going out en femme, your first time for sure, your tenth time, eh not so much, but just think of it this way, when you go out en femme, you are going to be doing something so fun that your not even going to worry about if people are looking at you or what they think [emoji4] Just like with my nails! Just imagine going out en femme and going to a store and trying on some dresses, you are probably thinking "that would make me so nervous I'm just gonna die [emoji21] but it sounds so fun!", what's REALLY going to happen when you do that... You are going to walk into the store, people are going to look, then there going to look away... They aren't going to come up to you and ask you why you are dressed like a women, they aren't going to sit there and stare at you, they are just simply going to look, and then look away. You are going to get to the dresses, still so nervous and your going to rummage through some, skipping through them quickly and biting your lip. Then your going to see a cute one you like! You will pick it up and look for some others you really like! About 10 minutes after finding that first cute dress you aren't even going to be worried if people are looking at you. Once you go to the dressing room and try it on there goes the last bit of nervousness you had in you [emoji1] I've shopped for all my feminine items in my male clothes and I've not once had someone come and talk to me about it, or have someone stare at me or give me dirty looks, it is all completely in your head [emoji39]

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I agree. You go to the shop, they might be surprised at first, but then are very helpful. I asked a makeup counter clerk for concealer for beard hair and She was very helpful. Then we went to the foot spa and got a nice nail job, then I got a bust measurement and asked for some help with bras (necessary now!) - it was an expensive day but fun. I was terrified at first, but no one cares. They really don't. Be confident in who you are and its all good.

[MissNatalieL]

I agree. You go to the shop, they might be surprised at first, but then are very helpful. I asked a makeup counter clerk for concealer for beard hair and She was very helpful. Then we went to the foot spa and got a nice nail job, then I got a bust measurement and asked for some help with bras (necessary now!) - it was an expensive day but fun. I was terrified at first, but no one cares. They really don't. Be confident in who you are and its all good.

Hehe, oh yes definitely expensive! I've had a little to much fun building my wardrobe and makeup collection, which is still so small, lol [emoji23] I can't wait for the day I get to go bra shopping! I finally have a date (2 months from now [emoji29]) where I'll hopefully start hormones and be able to start to somewhat meet my girls [emoji7] But you are definitely right, no one cares... it's kinda just one of those things where you have to experience it yourself to believe [emoji39] I remember before I had bought anything feminine in stores or went out en femme, I never believe it when people told me that "no one cares". It felt to good to be true and I just always thought people would be so rude about it, I can admit I so totally wrong [emoji23]

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