I need help

[wilsoncheryl]

Hello,

The last few weeks have been the most difficult time on earth I have ever had. It all happened when I saw a new artist by the name LP. I watched all of her videos and then over the coarse of a couple of days my world unhinged. I am not suicidal but i am not ok.

I had buried my identity due to society pressure and lost who I really was.

S
o as the real me started to emerge after all these years I fell into a tailspin because I didn't know what was happening to me or why.

I have been reading for 2 weeks about gender identity and how society tries to trap everyone into 2 boxes.

I realized that I am not female, nor am I male. I am both at the same time. Then I realized that this is the reason I was not accepted anywhere I went, and I was not rejected because of anything I did wrong, but because i didn't fit social norms.

I get it that when people feel the energy of both sexes in one person they get uneasy....cause how can this be? How can both genders be blended......

So because I was different I  was rejected by the girls and the boys.......the only people who accepted me was other people who were like me and understood this.

I had no idea I was blended all this time because i had to repress who I was so I could function in society....work, pay bills etc....I was born female, so I just learned how to be a good actor......but I lost me.

So back to my story, I just figured this all out about 2 weeks ago and i feel like I am in a washing machine. I have nobody to talk to because this subject is so taboo. NOBODY wants to talk about this subject.

So here I am, alone again, dealing with some really heavy emotions that I am going through as I try to find myself again.

I seriously feel like I am going crazy.

I know labels are not good and I want to just be me, but here is the thing......we need some labels to help describe to ourselves tendencies so we can sort out identity issues within ourselves ....

I think gender identity is very important for our psyche, as everyone does this. Gender identity is important in our minds. My gender identity is a swirling mess of controversy.

I hope this gets better, cause I can't do this for much longer.

I called a therapist and will go as soon as I can.....but for now I just need help. I can't cope.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! Neither, and both, exactly how I feel about myself. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Laurie]

  Hi wilsoncheryl,

  I'm Laurie. I am glad you found our site because we have many members here that identify as you do. Please do come in and be welcome. You are wanted and needed here. I am mtf myself and as such most of my personal struggles are along the lines of trying to accept myself as a transgender woman after living 64 years as a man. It isn't easy. And neither are the issues you face. It was heartening to see that you are seeking therapy as I feel that is one very important step in you being able to work out your own issues. It is hard, very hard. Your issues are no less important to you than mine are to me.
  Here you will find others that know what your are having problems with and they will be of more help to you than I can be but know that all of us are here to help you as we can.
  Please let me say, Welcome To Susan's Place! Come on in and take a good look around.  Perhaps I can even get you to hop on over to the Introductions Thread and  create a post to tell us a little bit more about yourself so we can get to know you a little better and greet you properly. I'll add some links and information below that can help you get more out of our site. Please take time to become familiar with them especially the RED one as we are always getting questions that are answered there.

Laurie
Global Moderator
Laurie@susans.org

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[wilsoncheryl]

Thank you so much for the much needed support. This is very very hard, and it comes after suffering a very long time because my being is very TABOO in this current culture we have that does not accept anything other than male or female.

I was born female, but I carry both energies in one body. This really freaks out "normal" people. So i was not accepted by the girls or the boys.

so self esteem got battered quite a bit.

I know I am not the only person dealing with this, it is just REALLY REALLY hard. I am tired.

Again, thank you both for the help, I will go look at the links you provided.

I will work through this and I am sure on down the road I will be stronger because of it. Because I will be whole instead of cut up into pieces that I hide from me and others.

[Sno]

Hi hon,

The welcome mat has been rolled out, you've been given the spiel and a large fistful of links - do have a read, but also have a read in our wiki.

Firstly, if you can, try to find a way to relax - getting the anxiety under some kind of control is good, and if you think you need to, talk to your g.p. about medication to help you stop feeling quite so horrid - it's always better to go sooner, rather than later.

Secondly, this doesn't change who you are, it's that you have gained some insight about yourself. Now, maybe that will lead to a need to adjust how others think about you, maybe not.

Thirdly, you are going to be ok. You are going to get through this, and you will be a better person afterwards, as you will understand yourself much better.

My user ID is sno, but this where Rowan takes the stage, she's a panicky girl sometimes, but this year she's made her presence felt here in as many good and supportive ways as she can. l am attempting to write an allegorical saga, on our very own long thread and having a lot of fun with that!

In a world of black and white thinking, we are the 50 million shades of grey. Sometimes it's easier to identify as one or the other, but ultimately we need to find a way to be comfortable with ourselves.

(Hugs)

Rowan

[Jayne01]

Hi wilsoncheryl, welcome to Susan's. I am mtf but not entirely binary. I was born male but identify female mostly. I still occasionally feel as thought I partly identify as male. I only have a partial understanding of how you must feel. I can only imagine how confusing it is for you. You have come to the right place. There are others here that are experiencing the same thing you are. Keep reading and asking questions. It is a difficult journey but you come out the other end a much stronger and better person. I wish you well. See you around.

Jayne