Selfish

[Nora Kayte]

I was asked if I was ok. I was asked if I was ok on a Sunday. It was a Friday that I was supposed to show up. Funny when someone I care about is supposed to be somewhere I am at I usually ask if they are ok the same night but thats just me I guess.

I am not ok. I am in a lot of physical pain. For a while in the past couple of weeks the pain was so much pain, the emergency room was looking like an option I would have to utilize. But it would have been like the past. Nothing they could do for me because the amount of pain killers I already take. Would not be able to give me more so I had to stick it out.

And again I am not ok. I am in a lot of psychological pain. So much pain the emergency room was looking like an option I would have to utilize. But again. Nothing they could do for me. I would cause so many more problems than would be fixed. And I would have that on my record.

There have been times on this forum when I feel I have almost been begging for attention. Begging for friendship. Begging for people to talk to me. To reach out to me. To love me. But don't worry I am done here. I don't belong here and I won't be back.

People wonder why suicide is so high in the trans community. It's because even here in our community we are selfish. Someone reaches out. Almost begs for the attention. Or actually does beg and nothing. Go back and look. Do the research!! You will see some who have gotten no reply's on their first attempt and have been never heard from again.

Don't act like you care because you don't. You are just pretending. Or you only act like you care to make yourself feel better about yourself. But if it does not fit in to your schedule or if they do not conform to what you think they should be so they are not worth your time.

Everybody is worth something. We all have feelings. Put yourself in someone else's shoes for once. Try and understand what they are actually going through. Try and figure out just how close they are to ending it. That one person you did not respond to might just be the next one to kill themselves. That one person you say is your friend that you have not contacted in a while because you got caught up in your life. You could have done something to prevent it. But it's just too late. They are gone. And that's on your conscience.

It's to late for me. I don't want it anymore. I give up. But the next person you ignore. The next person who does not hear from you is going to be the person who kills themselves.

Because you are ALL selfish.

[Jessica_Rose]

I have only been here since late March, but I am not sure if I have ever seen any of your other posts. Although like many others we can sometime become absorbed in our own lives, I would never claim that everyone at Susan's is selfish. There are many who have been here for years. Even after their transition is complete some stick around to help others, this is the most welcoming site I have ever seen. I don't know what is troubling you, but please feel free to send me a PM if it is something you want to discuss privately. I have no idea if I can help, but I certainly will listen.

[Michelle_P]

Nora Kate, what on earth happened here?

I remember the troubles you were having around Thanksgiving with the nail polish and spousal acceptance.  I don't remember seeing anything personal since then, although I have to admit I've been very distracted with my own issues.

This reads like you are in isolation and on painkillers.  That's not a great combination.  Are you in any sort of support groups or treatment plan?  Almost anything like that can help.  Seeing people in person is far better for us when in depression than relying on strangers on the Internet. Finding a support group near wherever you are now at is something that might bring you some comfort.

[Yakayla]

There are people that are like that sure. But to assume everyone is like that is not good. Can stop you from making real connections with people. Online it's not always to see how the good people are though. I actually try to find posts that have little to no replies. Sometimes I don't reply because its about something I know I can't really help them with, and just saying sorry you feel that way, is not gonna cut it. And there are also those who are just shy and have troubles posted to other on their lone posts. And sometimes posting at the wrong time will get you nothing. And some people just suck really bad at helping other even if they want to. You never know. But I've gone through a couple depressions in my life, and I've gotten out of them. Having the right support helps a lot, but what's more important is being able to help yourself. Realizing that all the negative thoughts aren't as bad as you let yourself think they are. Forcing yourself to try to have fun. Not a huge fan of Ru Paul drag race. But the ending quote I love so much, cause it's so truthful. "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love anybody else." And out of all the things I've learned in life, it's never too late. I went from always going on and off from feeling down. To feeling absolutely amazing and being able to take charge of my life. If you need someone to talk to you can always pm me. If I don't reply right away, don't think too much about it though. But I always got my phone on me, so if you have a facebook or discord or skype, I could add you too that. Cause it would be much easier to talk to you there. Don't give up hun.

[tgirlamg]

Hello Nora!

I am so sorry you find yourself in such a painful and desperate state today!...

I have said before that lives can change course based on the smallest interaction so, it is best to always strive to make sure our interactions leave others in a better state than we found them...

I too, had not seen your earlier postings seeking help but you are making it clear in this post that you are in need of it so, why don't we all start fresh? ... Right here and right now... Take a deep breath and let us know what we can do to help.... We can do that here or you can PM me anytime and we will see if we can get you to a better place with life than where you are right now

Hugs and Love from one of your many sisters,

Ashley🌻

[Kendra]

Nora, I am sorry to hear you are in pain.  Physical pain and psychological pain have the same result - incredibly challenging, and can end up consuming all of our thoughts. 

I wish I was there to give you a hug. 

[Rachel]

Hi Nora,

You can PM me and we can talk some specifics if you like or exchange Facebook and or e-mail addresses.

I am sorry you are in pain. I have been there and at times still am. I had severe depression for a very very long time and although it is better it is still there.

I had suicidal ideation for a very long time, tried suicide a bunch of times and am just the past year getting better.

I have experienced family loss, sexual and physical abuse.

I have been going to psychotherapy for 6 years and had a lot of help from some really nice people. It took a lot of work for me to keep it together. I finally want to live, most of the time.

I want to meet an interesting person or group of people to connect with and be friends. This is really my goal. I guess it sounds like a small thing but for me it is a big thing.

So I understand psychological pain. Can you share what is going on? Do not give up and let us know what is going on.

[Lady Sarah]

Nora, it sounds like you need human interaction, possible with a professional. Some of us have learned to distance ourselves from those pleading for attention, for various reasons. Some of us have been in worse conditions than your own. You might find a better chance of getting the help you need offline, rather than on a forum, where nobody personally knows you, or can decide what type of help they can offer.
That may sound cold, but that is reality. If you are seeking someone that is completely selfless, I wish you luck on your journey.

[Bari Jo]

Nora, it pains me to see that you are hurting. Know that those of us that know you think of you often and enjoy your company.  Perhaps we can meet for dinner one night this week?  My treat.  I want you to feel loved during this rough time and I hope I can make it least a bit of it better.

Bari Jo

[Toni]

Nora, I'm very sorry you're clearly going through hell for some reason right now, but "ALL" is not fair.  I've been a member for a while, but I'm not on site every day or for very long when I am.  I don't know everyone here, but I usually remember avatars and I don't really remember yours so I probably haven't seen a lot of your posts.  The internet is a tough place to get personal, sometimes, and especially on a public forum.  You sometimes have to yell loudly to get heard in a crowd and if that's what you're doing, and it would seem so, you've caught the attention of more than a few ears who genuinely would like to listen and, if possible, help.  So please give us the benefit of the doubt and take this opportunity to talk about what's bothering you as best you can and let us see if there's anything we can think of to do.  Toni

[DawnOday]

We are not doctors, therapists or fortune tellers. We are people in the same predicament as you. Confusion, betrayal, suspicion, exploring the unknown. We do the best we can with the tools available. If you want to build a manufacturing business, I'm the one to talk too. I can save you millions. Unfortunately it took me 65 years to address my demons or at least admit what I had already known. Most of us here have lived secretive lives out of fear and guilt. Explaining things is not our forte, that's why we come here, to learn. Most of us are coming out of the closet where we lived our lives and answered no questions. Friendship is not something stored on a shelf somewhere. Friendships are fragile until they are earned. I have tons of acquaintances but very few friends. And the few I have are wonderful thoughtful people .  I wish we could detangle your thoughts well enough to help but it is tough when you are told that you don't appreciate our input. Especially when a thoughtful, I'll take that under consideration response is so easy to make but you don't really have to honor it. Problem solving does not always have a pat answer that is why we write down all the symptoms and narrow them all down to a root cause. It takes only five rounds to get to the root.