Here is my life

[Sabrina Hope]

Hi everybody,

I will try to be concise in telling what was my life is until now and sorry for my english as I am a french canadian. It all begins with a pair of my mother's heel I have tried when I was about 8-9 years old. Everytime I went back from school I had to wear them. It was out of my control. When my feet grown and couldn't wear them anymore it has passes one or two year until I spotted my mom's wardrobe and make up bag. I was feeling very good when I was in girl mode. When I leaved home I jumped into my girlfriend's wardrobe. Every new girlfriend's wardrobe was a new shopping mail for me The problem was I didn't feel confortable to make love with them. I was very excited until I enter into her. I did tried 2 times with a man too but it was even worse. One of my girl friend someday found a wig that I bought and I have had to tell her that I was crossdressing with her clothes. She was shocked and asked me to see a therapist. It did help for a lot of things but not for my gender problems.

Then I was single couples of years and let go wild my feminine side in private. I ordered clothes, wigs, high heels, makeup and so on. I felt so good when I was a woman. All those feelings inside me where so strong.

I then found the love of my life. A woman 5 years older than me. I was 25. When we bought a house together I have thrown all my secret life accessories in the garbage because I didn't want her to find this and thinking that my crossdressing would not be needed anymore. I thought a normal life would cure me from those "impure" feelings. We got married and got two wondeful kids. It did not take that much time that my secret life came back to my mind and in my life. Each time I woke up and told me wait, you have a beautiful wife, a loving family, you can't do that to them and pushed all this in a little box inside of me. I falled info depressive state many times while ignoring the true me. It is the second time I take antidepressant and saw 3 or 4 therapists.

Sometimes when shopping clothes with my wife I helped her choose something I would like to wear. Everytime I see a beautiful woman I envy her and would like to be in her body. Know how it is to be perceived as a woman. Know how it feels to be one. I think I am an ok male and should like my body but I cant. The only thing that always come back to my mind is I want to be woman. There is so much more possibilities. If I could have a magic wand I would not hesitate one second.

In reality it is another thing. My wife has severe arthrosis and fibromialgia. I have two kids and I have the only income in the house. I promised my wife to take care of her and our family. I promised to be with her all my life when I married her. What if I decide to go on and let me go into a transition. I dont want to let them down but I don't want to suffer for the rest of my life. I did think for suicide too many times. Last weekend I have lost a night's sleep dressed in woman with full make up and nail varnish. After reading all the night on this site it became clear to me that I am a trans. I do not know where it is going but I do better know who I am.

All the week I planed my coming out with my wife for saturday night but today I do not feel as confident as I was monday. I struggle with all the scenarios and the what ifs. Damn this is hard. She is sick and has a lot of physical pain. On some sense I feel I am as sick as her but me is mental pain. I hope to find the inner power to tell her who I am this week end. I have to because next weekend she wanted us to tattoo a wedding ring for our 10 year marriage and I want her to know every sides of me.

Thank you for your help. You do not imagine how this site can help others. You are all beautifuls because you are you!

Sébastien

[V M]

Hi dizz 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

[JeanetteLW]

Hi Dizz
  Welcome to Susan's. It's a good place to be. Your story is much like so many of us here. It's much like mine. I too began dressing at an early age. Mostly by borrowing my sister's clothes. I had 5 of them. I was married for many year to a wonderful woman who at best tolerated my extracurricular activities. I loved her very much but eventually lost her through divorce. I love hearing of spousal success stories and wish mine was one of them  but it was not to be. I also sometime helped her nice clothes, and wished they were for myself.
   Coming out is a hard thing to do and do right. I need to be doing some myself to family and haven't figured out how I am going to do it. It's a scary thing. I wish you luck with telling your wife.

  Well, I want you to know I'm glad you are here.

Jeanette

[Sabrina Hope]

Thank you so much Jeanette for taking time to respond. I feel so alone right now. Every 5 minutes I change my mind if I keep this to me or tell her. She told me about our marriage tattoo earlier today and I told her would you stay with me even if anything append? She told me yes. But I couldn't tell her at this moment. I think you are all very brave to be what you are. I don't care for my family because we already dont speak to our families. I think it could pass if I tell my friend and my job. But my wife and my kids are all that I have and dont want to loose them. How does it feels to be you, is it worth all the losses?

[JeanetteLW]

Thank you so much Jeanette for taking time to respond. I feel so alone right now. Every 5 minutes I change my mind if I keep this to me or tell her. She told me about our marriage tattoo earlier today and I told her would you stay with me even if anything append? She told me yes. But I couldn't tell her at this moment. I think you are all very brave to be what you are. I don't care for my family because we already dont speak to our families. I think it could pass if I tell my friend and my job. But my wife and my kids are all that I have and dont want to loose them. How does it feels to be you, is it worth all the losses?

  Dizz,
     I know the indecision you feel. I go through that also. In my case it is with my daughter and her family. I have 5 grand children that I do not want to lose.
     How does it feel to be me? - At the moment not good, tomorrow maybe better. We'll have to wait and see.
    Is it worth all the losses? I think it is, but I have yet to come out to anyone other than medical people and have not suffered losing anyone yet. If I lose my daughter and grand kid I may think otherwise. Again we'll have to wait and see.

  Jeanette

[Sabrina Hope]

I'm with you Jeanette. You can call me Sébastien instead of my internet nick name. I do not have a f-name yet. If my coming out is going well, I will ask my wife, my daugther and my son to find me a name that they like. I know they are open minded because we have gay friends but when it come to your close family and for such an important thing like gender we never know... thanks again, I am very conforted that someone is reading me. Love xxx

[Sabrina Hope]

Here is a picture of ME this night. My face is not ready yet. This is my first picture ever on the internet. http://m.imgur.com/gallery/7zbfZfz

[LiliFee]

This isn't easy

Perhaps it's not a good thing to tell you, but as much as your wife has the right to have her problems, so do you. When you married her, you made a vow to stay with her the rest of your life. You can take care of her while taking care of yourself too. What kind of job do you have? Is there a chance you might be able to continue working there when you out yourself? Also: I didn't come out at work until 1,5 years later, when I was already 6 months on HRT. Can you do the same?

I'm just saying.. It doesn't have to be an either/or decision, perhaps you can keep your job, your family and still transition!

[Sabrina Hope]

Thank you very much Lili. I hope it will goes like you said. I work on a big company and I am a computer programmer. I think I could live a transition here. There are so much unknown that it is scaring me. It is all I ask that they accept me as I am. I really love them and I don't think they want me suffer but neither me I want them to suffer because of me. Imagine my 9 and 10 yo being bullied because their father is now a lesbian mother. Omg 😢

[Sabrina Hope]

I would really want to change my Avatar. Is it possible? Thanks

[JeanetteLW]

I would really want to change my Avatar. Is it possible? Thanks

Posting an avatar will be available to you soon Sébastien, I believe you get that ability after 15 posts.

Of course I read your posts as do many many others here. You can bet you are under watchful eyes.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[Sabrina Hope]

Hi all, it's been a long time.
I did told my wife 8 months ago. This was the worst experience ever. She rejected me and told me I could not see my kids anymore if I pursue this way. I was so in shock that I did a very bad thing. I attempted suicide... Took soon much Morphin that doctor don't know why I am still alive. After that I thought I have got a second chance and I promised my wife to be "normal". It did not last that much because I felt the same as before and even more miserable because I promised something that I were not following. 3 weeks ago I forgot a dress and my wife found it.. OMG the mistake... Some days later she found that I pierced my ears and them found that I waxed my whole body. After several therapy from both sides she begins to try to open her mind. She told me you can do it in the garage with the door locked when I don't know it or when I am sleeping but I really don't agree with that and will never be. She told me I can because she do not trust me anymore and think I will do it anyway. I told her I would see a gender disphoria specialist and I did not promise anything on which way it will goes. She know almost everything but she think I am not doing it right now. This is not true because it is getting stronger and stronger. I am thinking about it everytime now. I will keep you informed on how it will goes...

Feel free to message me or reply here if you want to share or ask questions.
Thank you all beauties.
Sabrina

[Megan.]

Hi Sabrina, let me give you a big hug X.

You've been through some tough times, when our partners can't accept us and the potential loss of children enters the mix, it can be very hard,  I know!

I do strongly suggest finding an experienced therapist both for you and separately for you both as a couple. The hope is always that our partners can accept us,  sadly (for many reasons) this isn't always possible or practical. This does not have to mean loosing all contact with children (know your legal rights), but like any parental split, there will be impacts.

Please keep yourself healthy and well, we're here if you need us. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[Saha]

If I may, I would offer a hug too

[Laurie]

Hi Dizz,

   I know how devastating events  like those with your wife can be and also that overwhelming need to be who you are. I also understand you attempt to make it all end. I have been there also but haven't not followed through with an actual attempt. I have been through it long ago when I my wife became my ex and I lost some other important things in my life. I never addressed the issues I had then. I just pushed them aside and ignored them. Recently I lost my daughter and her family after I came out to them and was rejected me. That meant losing my 5 grand children also. Life can be cruel and very hard at times.
  Partly due to my daughter's reject and the resurfacing of those issues I had ignored and even some older issues from childhood I've been in a depression for several months now. I am in therapy and taking medication to help me through this difficult time. I've had those thoughts of ending it all also. I know it isn't good but they do come into my head.
  You and I are not alone in our troubles. we have many here who have been where we have and they do help if we can just let them. Professional help and therapy is also essential. We hope for the best and fear the worst when we need to learn how to accept what comes our way. We also need to be actively working to change the things we are able to. You can work your way through your problems Dizz and so can I. I know I can't do it alone though I no doubt will try and fail at it again and again until I let others help me.
   All I can do for you is to tell you what I'm doing and send you virtual ((Hugs)) and hope you take heart  and work at getting better.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Saha]

I'm very sorry to hear that Laurie

[Laurie]

I'm very sorry to hear that Laurie

  Thank you Saha.

[Claire Grey]

Hi Sébastien--

If I can suggest one thing -- it may be a way to test your wife's reaction without coming out. You could
read a memoir or autobiography of a transgender woman and tell her about it and gauge her
reaction. You could also watch a short Youtube video or film about a transgender person with her
and ask her reaction -- this will allow you to see if she is open or not.

Also if you are the sole source of income and are considering being out I would be cautious about
checking on how that will be at work and what legal protections are in place in your location for transgender people.
I hope this helps a little bit.

Big hug sister.