Lemon3, thank you for posting this.
I had to drive my butt off for the last day and a half or so and nights too. Now I know why I chose to drive for a living. But one thing that I was really thinking hard about was if I would have been born a girl instead of a boy. Would I have been better off or worst off? I may have felt more natural but I never let that stop me before. I may have had things a little easier but I was always pretty much a girl, sissy or gay. When I say gay yeah but those that use that with trans people don't really know anything about trans.
Yes I am a girly girl and some things freak me out like touching frogs, fish, snakes and so on. I have done some things to make a living that any other woman would do but all knew up front and knew what and who I was. I would have probably done the same thing as a woman too. I chose to push it for a few years and then chose to drive a truck just because it is a lonely job and most of the time I could dress how I wanted with nails polished and all. I chose it so I could be totally alone and most if not all trans women.. Well I am not going to go there about most cis women truck drivers.
I mean I really didn't have that much of a choice of what I was born but I chose not to have surgery to remove my "itty bitty titties" when I was 14. I would have fought my mom and dad just as hard with the long hair when I was 10 and would have run away. So looking back now in the last day, night and half a day watching the lines on the highway go by, I don't know if I would change anything.
Look it takes a lot to get to where you are now. All of that is on you. When I was young it sucked for me. Sometimes it was pure hell. I had to change schools even and my mom and dad had to pay for the change. Then one or the other had to drive me until I was 16 and drive myself. But I always knew and always embraced it. So some may call me gay. Big deal but I am a straight trans woman though even as non op. What really sucked the most about it is when a guy kisses you and you end up kissing him and he wants to touch your breasts and you want him too so much but that leads to touching somewhere else and it was really hard and damn near impossible to tell him in the mid eighties in Arkansas. I got to be a girl and it still sucked because it was a secret. I only met one guy willing to overlook it. I dated him from the beginning of the 11th grade until he went to college after he graduated and move away. But silver spoons and white trash rarely ever last. I was the latter.
But it is hard and you may always have regrets but I have embraced it for a long time and what you are feeling is totally normal but even if you embrace it when you are way young, that has its downs too. So always look ahead and not behind. Do not live in the past because wh we were yesterday is not who we are today nor who we will be tomorrow. If you take anything from this post then live now and don't worry about tomorrow because we don't know what that will hold exactly. Just dream and fantasize about it. Yesterday? Build on those experiences and allow that to make you who you are today and then build on who you are and dream of who you will be tomorrow. But the one constant is YOU. So be the best you that you can be to others and yourself and that is all that matters. People don't like you or hate you then so be it. Not your problem unless you are a butt hole to others but as long as you are a good person to yourself and others then you are true and genuine and that is all that matters.
