I just told my wife

[Toni]

Jess, sounds like instant replay of my first talk with my wife, very similar circumstances and all leading up to it as well.  It will take a good while for her to digest just what you said that first time, and now her imagination is likely working overtime.  We know the "playbook" didn't work for us and we have to find ourselves and answers outside of it.  She is still dependent upon it to tell her how to act and what to do.  Give her time to settle down, educate yourself so you can educate her with as much factual information as you can learn and encourage her to ask questions and tell you what she is thinking and feeling.  Be prepared to show all the patience you can muster and don't one the one to lose your temper.  Things will settle down.  Find some good help, gender therapist or someone experienced with trans people to help you as well as her figure this out and tell her the steps your taking (therapist of some sort) and encourage her to do the same independantly of you.  She has to feel that she has her own voice when she talks to someone else and is free to say what's on her mind without your influence.  Then you have to wait, and wait, and wait.  One day at a time is what it comes down to.  But don't think this is something you've "done" to her.  Society finds it in it's own interest to demonize us because it enforces the very things that got us here to start with.  All you've done is the equivalent of yelling out loud "I love pink!".  Yeah, the paradigm shifts, but you'll be better off in the end for it, she may be as well.  Lots of hugs.  Toni 

[MeTony]

Welcome Jess.

Sorry you had to come out so abrupt. I struggled for a long time before I told my husband since 19 years. He took it well at the time. But it goes up and down. Sometimes we are a normal family. Sometimes he is sad and says he can't think of a romantic life with me as a guy. Because he is not gay. Maybe that is the way it needs to be. But remember, you are not alone on this journey. Your wife also walks this path from now on. If she decides to take another path than you in the future, then so be it. But just now, you both walk the same path. And you have us here for support.

I wait for my husband before he is ready for the next step. Next step is coming out at work. But he is not ready for that. I'm out to about 10 people. Co-workers, relatives and friends. But we're in this together. I need to wait for him.

It takes time to understand, to get over the surprise she had. She might say stupid stuff, and then regret it. Give her time to understand. Nothing happens over night. Not your transition and not her to settle the reaction to the surprising truth. She needs to vent and so do you. It's good that you will se a therapist, maybe your wife can come too when the time is right?


Tony

[JoanneB]

A wife "Finding Out" is a universe apart from initiating the dialog. Take it from me, a person who has been in both pairs of shoes. Wife #1 discovered my stash. About 6 months later we were separated after me getting (indirect) confirmation of her having a b/f. Wife #2, my, g/f, BFF, lover, and reality therapist of some 40 years known about my gender issues and inglorious history, to settle on being just a CD from day 1. Dropping the T-Bomb hit her hard some 8 years. The pain is still there, as well as the feelings of betrayal. Between the two was a fiancee and g/f of some... 4 years. She was also told, sort of OK with the CDing, to a point. Still she cut and ran as her family upped the pressure on a wedding date.

[Deborah]

My story is kind of similar to yours and it has turned out fairly well so far.  I'm not a Marine but a retired Soldier instead and letting this out in the open was the hardest thing I ever did, much scarier than anything I ever experienced in the Army.

My wife had known of the CDing through discovery and violently disapproved of it mainly because I couldn't invent a believable explanation and because I kept saying I would stop.  That last part I actually believed each time but of course I also failed each time.

So finally, after 23 years she found out again and was really mad (an understatement).  I also had lost the will to invent stories and no longer believed God was going to fix it or that I could cure myself. 

I felt driven to desperation and knew there were only two choices left, either kill myself or admit the truth.  I nearly chose the first and got so far as rehearsing the whole thing with my 9mm. 

Finally I decided to take a chance and talk, hoping for the best and somewhat prepared for the worst.  I say somewhat because I'm not really sure what I would have done if it all went bad.  But it actually went better than expected.  As maybe shocking as this was to her it was orders of magnitude better than all the scenarios she had concocted in her mind including convincing herself that I was dressing up to have gay affairs on the side.  (I wasn't and have never cheated a single time)

That was 12 years ago and we are still married.  So it doesn't always end in disaster.


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[JessStrong]

Hey all, just an update.....  things have settled down quite a bit and we are both taking it day to day. Per her request, I did see my general practitioner, I also told him of my situation (which was both difficult and awkward). He was surprisingly helpful in his response, but he still ordered a slew more blood tests to make sure no stone was left unturned from a medical doctor's perspective.  I've been coming to this doctor for quite a long time, and I've been asking for Viagra to help me perform with my wife. While the V was hit or miss, when it worked, it was great.

I have also started counseling, which has been great, been going for 3 weeks now and I think it's helped. My wife will be joining me very soon and she's told me that she definitely needs it. While I've know this truth all my life, she's only come to know about it recently. What comes next, I don't know. I can tell you that my counselor already provided me "the letter" which is a good thing because I have been self-medicating for the last month. I'd much rather do this with my doctor's guidance. He's aware of my self-med as well, which is why he is running blood tests on me to make sure potassium and other hormones ect are in check. I know after reading some of the sticky notes that talking about HRT meds is a sketchy thing, but it's so helpful to be able to talk to others who are, who did, or who plan to do so. To me, I want this so badly that I am willing to take a calculated risk. I am happy that things are moving in the direction I want, but in the same breathe, I also want my wife and large family to accept me. That's a jagged pill. So, at my age, I've come to accept some things I cannot change, but also, not waste another day living a lie. Just knowing that there is a chance is enough for me to finally be happy with who I truly am. That's all for now. 

[tgirlamg]

I've come to accept some things I cannot change, but also, not waste another day living a lie. Just knowing that there is a chance is enough for me to finally be happy with who I truly am. That's all for now.

Jess!!!

I hear in your words above, a mindset that will carry you far in the journey ahead!!! All will be well 😀!!!!!

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley 😀💗🌻

[krobinson103]

I only told my wife last week. She was a bit more accepting, but its still going to be a long road. Give it time. If you love each other that much then chances are you'll work something out.

[swtmelissa]

Don't feel ashamed,  there is no shame in honesty and truth.
Many of us have been where you are now, it's tuff, hang in there, give it time.

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Wow - Thank you for this.  I just read this post and can relate to dealing with my wife finding out after almost 20yrs together.  I am back to hiding at the moment, and struggling... with guilt, with shame.  Why can't I just decide to be what everyone thinks I am?  Because I'm not. 

Your advice is spot on - easy to hear, but tough to do. 

[jessica95]

I'm panicking, I don't know what to do. I just told my high school sweetheart wife of 25 years that I have always felt like I should have been a woman. My struggle for last several decades has been awful, and about 2 years ago, I decided to start growing out my hair. I told her it was because of acting, because it made me stand out at my age group. I found that it also made me finally feel a connection with my internal female identity. I also grew my nails out from the chewed nails they used to be. I felt more normal than I have ever been.

Last night she confronted me because she found some eye lash growth product that I have been using and I just told her.

She is in anguish, I've never cried so much in my life, because she is in pain. At this point, I don't care about myself or my internal feelings,, I can't live with out her. I am panicking and I don't know what to do.

I think I ruined everything I lived my life for.

She always loved you right ? A women is you ,so i can't see her leaving you. Let her process and think about this ,  And in stuff like kids you can have a sperm bank before you go on hrt(women hormones ) or adopt.

[Kc1058]

I'll expect nothing less than what you described from my wife when i come out to her.
It is going to be tough Jess, without doubt.
You have nothing to be ashamed over. When you are both ready the right conversation will start.
Until then...
<<<Hugs>>> and strength from all of us.
-Christyn


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