SOOOOO

[Christy Lee]

All my life ive had this Identiy Crisis i guess/Dysphoria i guess, i knew i was transgender from an early age like most trans people, there was a game i use to play where i was turned into a girl somehow, not dressing up at this time, but just like what if? and it use to feel soo good even just to think about like this, but some reason i stopped playing this game, and didnt think about my gender issues for awhile, until i had my first and only real boyfriend and when we broke up i started thinking ok i dont think his really gay, maybe bi? or curious or something.. maybe we would still be together IF i was a girl? (cis girl), and then i started cross dressing, wearing make up etc for abit until my dad got sick and died, and lost several others along the way and other ->-bleeped-<- happens, i probably crossed dressed for awhile off and on, it felt right... BUT kinda wrong also maybe its cus i was wearing my mums clothes? IDK  always had this voice tell me no im a good guy from Australia I also think it was the rush of accepting myself in girls clothes i got aroused and kinda felt like just a cross dresser which is where it felt wrong i guess too for me idk, then im like NOO your not a guy you dont feel like a guy, why should you call  yourself a guy? because its who people think i am and has been the status quo, ive tried to live as a straight guy for 31 years denying my true self (which most of the time has felt worse)

this has made me develop some Depression/Anxiety, im Asexual i dont even date, im a big person, i feel kinda ashamed to be transgendered sometimes, but then it feels so right that every so often i just think i want to be a girl/i wish i was a girl, why wasnt i born female? 

A few years ago i went on a date with a guy, i liked it  we had some physical contact and it was nice, i even tried to just be happy and tell myself its ok to be gay, but still that voice your a good guy from Australia , no your not a guy etc etc ie the shame of it all came back, i even tried to tell my mum im GAY, she didnt believe me, because im Asexual and ive always tried to be straight acting as possible, she did say if your gay your gay it doesnt matter, BUT my head voice even at this time was going YOUR NOT GAY, YOUR Transgendered when she said to me i dont think your GAY iin my head im like I KNOW IM NOT GAY, IM TRANSGENDERED, which means im straight, but i never told her that so anyway  a year and a half later i feel like im ready to tell her im Trans ive never seen a councilor about this, i did about the fact that i liked men but at the time my dysphoria was swept under the bed so to speak and i was OK not dealing with that part at this time

Sorry for the long winded post, i feel like im ready, as ive recently had experiences with MTF Hormones subliminals and they have made me feel so good and the calmest i that i have done in such a long time it also felt like Validation to me that i really was Trans which ive spent most of my life not really knowing for sure, which has made me feel like IT IS now time to come out, trouble is mum is OK with LGBT but she is also Asexual and doesnt like any sort of Sex talk in general but after our experience last year i  dont know how she will take this extra bit of knowledge, ive never displayed any sort of signs, we'll not really to her anyway 

Does anyone have any advice for me? feels like im in a pretty dark place sometimes

[Jailyn]

Well as one that came out in July and it came as a surprise to all of my family. You need to give them time to process it and acknowledge it somehow. So one way you can do it is leave her a letter explaining everything to her. Explain it from the heart and like she is hearing everything for the first time. Understand she may not understand or accept it, but you have to start living for you and not everyone else. I had to realize this because it was just holding me back emotionally and not putting me in a good place. You have to live as yourself and authentically or work with a therapist on the gd. You said it right that it was dysphoria that was causing you emotional issues. There are many ways you can open up the dialog to your family just pick something that is comfortable for you and what you think is comfortable for them. Good luck and keep us posted!

[Christy Lee]

Thanks

As ive said im not very girly girly atleast i dont act it i havent really explored it too much tho, i have somewhat of a feminine voice tho, ive always tried hard to either stay invisible or try to be a straight acting male infront of others, so even the gay thing was kind of a shock to her a way because its stuff ive always kept deep down denying true myself, so when it does come time for me to tell her this i can see her being quite shocked 

[mako9802]

You dont have to be stereotypically feminine to be trans.  If the desire comes back repeatedly in your life you are more than likely trans.  Your journey is just as valid

[KathyLauren]

As ive said im not very girly girly atleast i dont act it

I wasn't at all girly in my younger years.  (I'm 62.)  I was your basic straight guy, and did guy things, including getting married.  The girliest I got was wearing my hair in a ponytail.  But everyone knew I was an old hippie, so they didn't think anything of it.

But inside, it was a different story.  I desparately wanted to be able to wear pretty clothes, and have nice hair, and giggle with girlfriends, and not always present a manly exterior.

You don't have to be girly on the outside, or even on the inside for that matter, to be trans.  You just have to feel that there is something wrong with the way your gender was assigned at birth.

[Christy Lee]

You dont have to be stereotypically feminine to be trans.  If the desire comes back repeatedly in your life you are more than likely trans.  Your journey is just as valid

Thank you for the kind words, its nice to be validated

I wasn't at all girly in my younger years.  (I'm 62.)  I was your basic straight guy, and did guy things, including getting married.  The girliest I got was wearing my hair in a ponytail.  But everyone knew I was an old hippie, so they didn't think anything of it.

But inside, it was a different story.  I desparately wanted to be able to wear pretty clothes, and have nice hair, and giggle with girlfriends, and not always present a manly exterior.

You don't have to be girly on the outside, or even on the inside for that matter, to be trans.  You just have to feel that there is something wrong with the way your gender was assigned at birth.

Thanks

I didnt wear a ponytail it felt too girly to me, but i use to grow mine really long like to past my shoulders which made me feel really feminine, it was nice i use to get it cut when people started noticing :s, i dont do that anymore i keep it short these days

I do feel girly on the inside, its just i try to hide it as much as a can to pass as a guy i guess

[Christy Lee]

Hi

ID like to take this opportunity to rant abit if i could,  here goes

Im a bigger person and i have man boobs (which makes me feel disphoric), and just in general more of a feminine sort of body, i guess. and i also have a sort of feminine voice, i get real ashamed of both my voice and the fact that im a bigger person and have man boobs, i feel like why cant i be just born female so the voice is OK, I dont feel disphoric all the time im even able to suppress Christy Lee for sometimes its very rare that i will acknowledge her, Until i get confused as a women and it just brings it all back

how my Disphoria affects me

i have been Called Ma'am on the phone more than once
people look at me weird cus of my ambiguous body and largeness,man boobs/awkwardness
Not happy with life in general, feel alone, isolated, trapt, like ill never be happy as a boy, but feels like becoming a woman will never happen for me
Hit on in just in boy mode (ive never actually gone out as Christy)
Trapt in depression due to disphoria (wishing i was just born a normal CIS girl), every now and then it will just hit me and i will think Why cant i just have been born female? or i want to be female, then i feel like how ridiculous it is to think something like that or i worry that mum wont accept me as a girl, dont want to be Transgender, so i sweep it under the bed
Ive always felt disphoric about being the boyfriend/husband
doing manly chores makes me feel disphoric
sometimes seeing how CIS girls act about Men and whats expected as a man, makes me feel Disphoric/it makes me kinda angry/sad that i wasnt born female
it feels wrong to like Girls, because i feel like a straight girl, ive even tried to convince myself im just Gay and thats OK you dont need to be Christy but being Gay male also feels wrong
I barely go out/dont work/still live with mum at 31 years old 
ive always felt disphoric about posting my photos on the internet, cus they look to manly or something idk
ive never actually disliked my penis until recently, but have wished it was a Vagina instead,
Sex feels wrong in general, ive always felt awkward about it
ive never gone out as Christy/explored my feminine side much
Tried to get singing lessons for awhile, and my teacher she always tried to get me to pitch as a male but obviously her being a woman she had difficulty also because of my feminine voice, which i use to think i dont want to learn to sing as a male, i want to learn to sing as a female

I use to have this dream, where Aliens abducted me and as an experiment turned me into a girl, or another dream i use to have was somehow i ended up in the future (think reverse Outlander), and it was really easy to change genders, so i became a girl, i always use to wake up just before doing so 

I did have a boyfriend, when i was a teen, we didnt do that much sexually (i wanted to), and when we broke up i often thought oh his not gay i dont think, perhaps if i was a woman we still might be together?


I was able to deal with this, until awhile ago where i got hit on cus they thought i was a woman, and then i heard  them talking oh you can see the Adams Apple, at first i was ashamed they were looking at me that way, so i just pretended to ignore them, but then i thought about it, and thought ya know that was kinda hot minus the Adams Apple discussion, and thought if i was a woman they wouldnt have been talking about that, and since then its the worst disphoria ive felt honestly i dont know if i can take being a man anymore


ive just recently tried MTF subliminals (Estrogen boost/T Blocker) and i had no idea just how F@cking awkward in my own skin i felt, since trying them subliminals theres a calm ive felt like ive never felt before