Dealing with continuous anti-trans comments from spouse

[MoonlitMariah]

So I came out to my wife (and much of my world) weeks ago now.  Since then it's been crazy and I've been in so many verbal fights as she tries to set impossible boundaries.  Our marriage therapist has helped reinforce that I'm trans and eventually I will want to take hormones bc that's normal for people who suffer from gender dysphoria and are transitioning. I've heard everything I swear, been accused of being on my trans soapbox, destroying the family, destroying her life, destroying everything.  I'm one of 'them' now and pushing my agenda on her and if she doesn't agree she says she will be labeled a bigot.  She keeps trying to use info gleaned from anti-trans 'science' and our Catholic faith to wear me down I guess.  She's starting to come around and be less mean/bitter, but she still hates Mariah and feels like she is killing her husband slowly.  It's been so heated and I've taken weeks of constant barrage.  Crossdressing in front of my daughter is child abuse in her mind, though she says she's trying to change that. I got her to agree to 1 hour we don't see one another/interrupt one another thankfully.  I've also finally gotten her to 'compromise' that I can crossdress when alone and in therapy, as well as her allowing me to remove all my body hair (omg, eppilating your whole body when you're really hairy, wow the pain).  She's at least willing to go to a support group for transgender people and their families with a spouse breakout group.

Anyhow, how have you delt with this part of things?  Thankfully all of my friends and family are supportive of me, just not my wife and some of her family.  I don't know if she will come around or not, but I'm trying so hard to give her time in doing so.  My identity is suffering because my mind wants to just disconnect from everything, but that's exactly what was sending me down the path of wanting to kill myself because I couldn't be who I wasn't anymore. I want to do more than survive in a role to keep things moving each day.  I want there to be peace some day.  It's just so taxing standing up to this, but I won't let myself reject my identity again, it's just hard to keep my head in it.

Thanks,
Mariah

[Nina]

See if you can find the Oprah episode: When daddy became mommy. Something like that.

When I first separated from my wife, I often put myself in her shoes, and have a hard time blaming her for her reasoning. First off, she was mad that if I knew who I was before marriage, why did I marry her? I told her I thought I could suppress. Suppressing only leads to increased angst and anxiety.
Secondly, my coming out made her feel embarrassed - having to tell her family, neighbors, our friends. For her, it was like a slap in the face.
Those first few months made me feel her pain, because it couldn't have been easy. It's one thing to go through divorce, but another thing when your husband wants to be a woman.
I hold no grudge towards my ex. She couldn't deal with it, so that's how we left it. I've not spoken to her since 2008.
Life does go on

[Devlyn]

Big hug! It's going to take her awhile, but you say she's coming around. Would it be realistic for her to get her head around this in less time than it's taken you to get your head around it? Of course not. I predict success here. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[TonyaW]

I know where you're coming from Mariah.
If you figure it out let me know.

I'm furthur along  [7mo HRT] but my wife has had very similar reaction and makes similar comments, though regarding me in particular rather than transgender as a whole. Especially the being labeled bigot or anti trans if she can't accept it. 

Some days things are good and I think we may be able to work it out but everything that should be a positive step in my transition (coming out to family, then work then friends has all gone great) she sees as a leap away from her and sets off every doubt and insecurity she's ever had.

Keep up with the marriage therapist.  I think my wife has finally agreed that we should try that. I'm all for it, but she needs to set it up because part of her issue is not trusting anyone my therapist would recommend to not be biased.

I don't want to sound like I'm not at fault anywhere as I know full well I haven't been anywhere near perfect.  I never lied to her, but haven't always been 100% open about things.  From what I read you are doing a better job of that than I did.  Keep that up for sure.  Might not help her accept things but won't pile trust issues on top of things. 

Not sure if I've helped you, but you're not alone.  Seems to be a pretty common reaction that our wives have had.  I'm hoping counseling will help my wife eventually to see my need to transition as something necessary for my sanity (not just my happiness) and not a betrayal of her. 

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[rmaddy]

My wife and I stayed together.  I kept telling her that I loved her and that I would never leave if she would have me.  It was particularly important to tell her that me becoming female did not make me mom.  She didn't have to give who she was for me to become who I was.  The option to stay or go was hers, but I was all in.  I started recognizing and rejecting privilege.

She's an extraordinary woman--one in a million.  Fortunately, so am I.

[Bobbie LeAnn]

Anyhow, how have you delt with this part of things?  Thankfully all of my friends and family are supportive of me, just not my wife and some of her family.  I don't know if she will come around or not, but I'm trying so hard to give her time in doing so.

Thanks,
Mariah

I know exactly what you are going through. I lost 3 wives and a lot my friends from telling them how I really am inside.
Most of my facebook page has been deleted by me because the man I was is dying. I am killing him off.

[Kylo]

How you deal depends on your options. I have no option but to live with the person who was my partner, there is no alternative for the foreseeable future. I tried a lot of different things - setting boundaries, never bringing the subject up if it can be helped, living like two separate people in the same space.

Given that the space is exceptionally limited, there is no easy way out, and my partner is essentially neurotic and sent into depressive moods at the slightest prompt... I don't wonder if you might have more options and more space to explore with than I did. In which case take them.

Perhaps it really comes down to how much two people need each others' support, if there really is no accepting the situation. I'm in an absolute compromise, so it balances. For others with partners who feel like they can afford to dispense with that relationship, I imagine there's more risk. Or maybe some just come around to the idea with time. In my case, there's some bond there that transcends everything else and manages to hold things together. It hasn't remained the same sort of relationship as it once was though. It is more like a platonic one now. You have to pay for everything in the end somehow, I suppose. Every decision and every action.

[Mary1]

I know where you're coming from Mariah.
If you figure it out let me know.

I'm furthur along  [7mo HRT] but my wife has had very similar reaction and makes similar comments, though regarding me in particular rather than transgender as a whole. Especially the being labeled bigot or anti trans if she can't accept it. 

Some days things are good and I think we may be able to work it out but everything that should be a positive step in my transition (coming out to family, then work then friends has all gone great) she sees as a leap away from her and sets off every doubt and insecurity she's ever had.

Keep up with the marriage therapist.  I think my wife has finally agreed that we should try that. I'm all for it, but she needs to set it up because part of her issue is not trusting anyone my therapist would recommend to not be biased.

I don't want to sound like I'm not at fault anywhere as I know full well I haven't been anywhere near perfect.  I never lied to her, but haven't always been 100% open about things.  From what I read you are doing a better job of that than I did.  Keep that up for sure.  Might not help her accept things but won't pile trust issues on top of things. 

Not sure if I've helped you, but you're not alone.  Seems to be a pretty common reaction that our wives have had.  I'm hoping counseling will help my wife eventually to see my need to transition as something necessary for my sanity (not just my happiness) and not a betrayal of her. 

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Never lied but kept things !



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[krobinson103]

Hello,

You did the right thing in telling her. I was terrified of that step and so far its all ok. You have to ask yourself - She wanted to be a Man what would you think? I'd say you are making good progress with Her. She didn't flat leave you. Be patient, willing to compromise, and know that the small steps you make are going towards your goals.Heck, work knows now, people can't gender me in the street without thinking a bit, I sooo want to just throw away my male wardrobe and start again. However, I know her and the kids must be happy as well.

Time, patience, humility, and compromise. You will get what you want, you might even get both - family and transition, Rush it? The price will be very high.

Good luck! We are the road for the journey, not the destination.

[jessica95]

So I came out to my wife (and much of my world) weeks ago now.  Since then it's been crazy and I've been in so many verbal fights as she tries to set impossible boundaries.  Our marriage therapist has helped reinforce that I'm trans and eventually I will want to take hormones bc that's normal for people who suffer from gender dysphoria and are transitioning. I've heard everything I swear, been accused of being on my trans soapbox, destroying the family, destroying her life, destroying everything.  I'm one of 'them' now and pushing my agenda on her and if she doesn't agree she says she will be labeled a bigot.  She keeps trying to use info gleaned from anti-trans 'science' and our Catholic faith to wear me down I guess.  She's starting to come around and be less mean/bitter, but she still hates Mariah and feels like she is killing her husband slowly.  It's been so heated and I've taken weeks of constant barrage.  Crossdressing in front of my daughter is child abuse in her mind, though she says she's trying to change that. I got her to agree to 1 hour we don't see one another/interrupt one another thankfully.  I've also finally gotten her to 'compromise' that I can crossdress when alone and in therapy, as well as her allowing me to remove all my body hair (omg, eppilating your whole body when you're really hairy, wow the pain).  She's at least willing to go to a support group for transgender people and their families with a spouse breakout group.

Anyhow, how have you delt with this part of things?  Thankfully all of my friends and family are supportive of me, just not my wife and some of her family.  I don't know if she will come around or not, but I'm trying so hard to give her time in doing so.  My identity is suffering because my mind wants to just disconnect from everything, but that's exactly what was sending me down the path of wanting to kill myself because I couldn't be who I wasn't anymore. I want to do more than survive in a role to keep things moving each day.  I want there to be peace some day.  It's just so taxing standing up to this, but I won't let myself reject my identity again, it's just hard to keep my head in it.

Thanks,
Mariah

Many good answers above me, just never give up, be honest and show your gender as woman, and be optismtic. hmmm, you can battle anti science with science?

[Jessica Lynne]

My wife and I stayed together.  I kept telling her that I loved her and that I would never leave if she would have me.  It was particularly important to tell her that me becoming female did not make me mom.  She didn't have to give who she was for me to become who I was.  The option to stay or go was hers, but I was all in.  I started recognizing and rejecting privilege.

She's an extraordinary woman--one in a million.  Fortunately, so am I.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
if keeping her is important to you. Of course, it's largely out of your hands because it's really not your decision. That however, does not preclude you from leaning in, seeing her point and trying within your very best ability to give her what she needs while still maintaining your dignity and self. It worked for Maddy and it worked for me.
    When my wife started egging me on for a fight by vilifying me, rather than react, I told her I understood her frustration and told her I had to separate myself from the conversation and would leave. It's not to say we didn't fight, but I drew the line at her belittling me. Good luck....god knows we all need all we can get.

[Rachel]

My wife could not deal with me being a woman. We are divorced and she will be moving to a condo I guess in January or February. We are friends and will always love each other. We tried desperately to work it out but in the end we are happier divorced. Like she said our marriage ended when I came out to her.

Keep telling her you love her. Be honest. Give it time. At some point you may find you have grown apart and need to go in your separate paths or you may find you are close as ever.

[jainie marlena]

My wife could not deal with me being a woman. We are divorced and she will be moving to a condo I guess in January or February. We are friends and will always love each other. We tried desperately to work it out but in the end we are happier divorced. Like she said our marriage ended when I came out to her.

Keep telling her you love her. Be honest. Give it time. At some point you may find you have grown apart and need to go in your separate paths or you may find you are close as ever.

pretty much the same but the ending of our marriage came years later. She had problems I knew nothing about and would not find out until about 3 years after we split up. I am raising our son now. Our youngest daughter just turned 16 back in June and had a baby in August. I am Nona Jain to my grandaughter and I love it. By no intention of my own my kids have chosen to call me mom. They are all mad at my ex-wife and I try to help them understand what happened to her and also stay sensitive to how they are feeling at the same time.  I still love my ex-wife and I hope she gets out of the mess she has gotten into.

[inenidok]

Sometimes its best to walk away, i know sounds mean but you cant force someone to accept you or your who are you cant hold a gun to their to head point of speech it violates free will, for me if my wife decides to leave then she leaves i will not hold it against her my kids love me no matter what they support me.so thats what means thhe most to me