Hello and help!

[VickyS]

Hi,

Vicky here.  I'm still trying to figure things out and I wondered if you incredible people could help me and give me a place to be myself.

Bit of background:  I'm 43, from the UK, born male and present as male (unfortunately).  I have been married to a woman 14 years older than myself for almost 10 years and and don't have a physical relationship anymore. 
My last sexual partner before my wife was male and I regarded myself as bisexual, then polysexual, pansexual, fluid, now I'm not sure of that either!
I would say that I'm much more attracted sexually to male anatomy than female, in fact the thought of sex with a female really turns me off now.

I realize of course that sex and gender are completely separate issues, but bear with me!

I have never really been very manly - same sized hands as my wife, not muscular, hate sports and the usual masculine pastimes and am very empathic and get upset emotionally very easily.

Over the years, I have been interested in girly things but always tried to suppress it due to my very strict upbringing certainly by my womanizing father (they divorced when I was small).  In fact he used to 'correct' me quite aggressively if my wrist was limp by telling me to straighten my wrist!

Recently, I have been looking at girls and women not lustfully, but in a different way and sometimes jealously.

I have not really cross-dressed as it did nothing for me sexually, but I did find the little that I did both empowering and relaxing.

I have no time to myself, if I am not at work then my wife is at home all the time with me, so I can't endulge, which makes me feel very miserable as I have to put on this male 'act' all the time and it's driving me nuts. 
I was almost in tears a few days ago at work when my dysphoria was quite bad.  I find it helps to wear feminine underwear to take the pressure off, it seems to calm me down a bit.  Also, I detest it when people call me 'man', 'sir' or some other male pronoun as I don't feel like a 'man'.

A couple of years ago I did shave my entire body and it felt wonderful although my wife did not like it.  I really wanted to paint my toenails again a few weeks ago (last did it just before I married my wife) but she said 'wot are you kinky or something'.  This upset me a lot so I did not do it. 
I told her I was bisexual before we got married, but there were no serious gender issues (that I was aware of at the time) so I never mentioned it.

The more time passes, the more frequent and stronger these episodes of dysphoria occur and I'm in one now hence me posting here.  If I could flick a switch and wake up tomorrow morning completely female, I would do it in a heartbeat.

If ever I flirt, I become very girly when I do it even if it's with females, and sexually I am submissive.

I have been trying to figure things out by doing on-line personality tests (not always a great idea) and they always come out that I have a female personality / brain.  My index finger is longer than my ring finger which is usually indicative of lack of testosterone when I was in the womb and could explain some feminine characteristics.

I feel very confused and for the first time I realized that when I get turned on by male anatomy (pictures etc), I don't actually feel like a gay man
but I feel more like a woman. It's only taken me 40 odd years to get to realize this quite important point!!

Sorry for the long post, but I hoped you wonderful people could help me answer the question:  Could I actually be trans?  I am so confused.

Thank you, and love to you all.

p.s. When the dysphoria got really bad a couple of days ago, I made an appointment to see my doctor (on the 9th January) although I'm not sure exactly what I will say yet!

[Megan.]

Hi Vicky,  welcome!

I'm a 40 y/o MTF in Bedfordshire. I started living full-time back in May this year.

When it comes to sexuality,  I'm probably in a similar camp,  and currently label myself pansexual.

I was married (this sadly did not survive my transition) and have two young children who are still in my life.

When you get to the GP, you can simply request a referal to an NHS gender identity clinic (GIC), the referal forms are on the GIC Web site. GP knowledge on gender is patchy at best so make sure you know the  treatment pathway on the GMC site, and be prepared to educate your GP!

Otherwise,  happy travels on your road.

Megan. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[Roll]

Hi Vicky! Welcome to Susans, I hope you find answers to your questions like I did here! There are many people transitioning in the U.K. on this site like Megan who should be able to help you navigate the waters immensely.

[Jessica]

I feel very confused and for the first time I realized that when I get turned on by male anatomy (pictures etc), I don't actually feel like a gay man
but I feel more like a woman. It's only taken me 40 odd years to get to realize this quite important point!!

This is exactly how it feel!  Since realizing this I have no interest in a gay relationship with a man any longer.  I'm not gay.....I'm a woman!

Smiles, Jessica 💁

[V M]

Hi Vicky 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Here are some links to the site rules and stuff that we offer to all new members to help them along

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

Hugs

V M

[big kim]

Welcome from a Blackpool girl

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. What I think isn't important but what you think you are is. While I can't give you an answer, I can help you find it. I have two links that may help you answer your question. The first is our WIKI where you can explore the meaning of transgender. The second link is "the transition channel" where you will be able to explore transsexualism. Feel free to ask more questions and we will do our best to answer them.

[VickyS]

Wow!

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply!  Fabulous.

Hi Megan,
Thank for for that invaluable advice.  I'll make sure I'm aware of the treatment pathway before I attend my GP appointment.  The appointment is with a doctor I have never heard of although I did insist on seeing a female doctor as I don't feel that comfortable discussing my issues with a male one (is that odd?). 
I think the pansexual label helps as it covers all the bases.  I can't say I don't have ANY attraction to females but I think it would perhaps only be cuddling as these days I'm looking at them out of curiosity and comparing their bodies to my own.  It's lovely to hear your children are still in your life.  That must be wonderful.  I don't have any biological children (have tried in the past but could never conceive).  I have two grown-up step-children who don't live with me but I see them regularly. 

Hi Roll,
Thanks for the reply!  I hope to find answers to some of the questions I have, but at the moment, when I find the answer to a question it seems to spawn a dozen other questions! I guess this is common at my stage which is ground zero at the moment!  It's heartening to know there are lots of transgender folks on here from the UK.  I only know one MtF trans woman in person who I knew for about 10 years pre-transition.  I have not spoken to her for a while and I'm a little nervous of getting back in touch in case she thinks I'm being selfish and only want to talk because it might help just me.  I don't know. But thank you so much for your support. :-)

Jessica,
I can't believe it took me SO long to realise this.  All the signs were there for me like naturally feeling girly/feminine during flirting/sex with men or women. Must have been confusing for the women. lol.  This is a dawn of realisation for me and I can't tell you how much it helps to know others feel the same as I do, so thank you for posting that.

V M,
Thank you, that's great.  I'll be sure to read that to make sure I don't do things wrong and end up causing chaos!!

Hi Big Kim,
Thank you for the welcome. Blackpool! Not too far away from me. I'm in Staffordshire.   

Dena,
I guess it IS more important for me to realise what I am rather than focus on what others think.  I have always been a victim of putting others first and being scared of what others think about me.  I'm still figuring it all out really, but every time I seriously think about it, it seems to point to perhaps being trans or maybe gender fluid (less so).  Then if the dysphoria is not so strong I seems to have a 'snap-back' and think - What am I doing, this is crazy, I can't possibly be female, I could never transition, it would destroy my life, something is wrong with me mentally.  Then I try to act more male which upsets me and makes me feel uncomfortable. I'll then hear a certain song which I like and I'll identify with the female singer, the dysphoria will spike and I'll end up crying and the cycle repeats.  Anyway...
Thank you for the links, I'll be sure to read the WIKI and I will explore the transition channel more in depth.  I have watched some of their videos and find them very informative and helpful.  I have been watching others too, especially Elle Stone/Autumn Asphodel in my quest for information!

My boss made an odd comment this morning when I was just getting on with my job and not really thinking about anything specific, he said:  You look like you are angry at the world.  Then came and gave me a hug.  I could have cried, but the hug really did help.

Thank you all.

[Megan.]

Wow!

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply!  Fabulous.

Hi Megan,
Thank for for that invaluable advice.  I'll make sure I'm aware of the treatment pathway before I attend my GP appointment.  The appointment is with a doctor I have never heard of although I did insist on seeing a female doctor as I don't feel that comfortable discussing my issues with a male one (is that odd?).

I did the same. The male GPs and doctors I've come into contact with have all been fine. But you're possibly likely to get more empathy from a female doctor.
I'd suggest (if practical) avoiding a locum,  as this will be a long-term relationship. Good luck. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[VickyS]

Hi again all,

I have been watching some more videos from the Transition Channel and specifically the one that made suggestions as to optional steps before coming out, I had goose bumps while watching that one as most of the suggestions I am already doing completely independantly as it just felt like the right thing to do.  This made me feel validated and great until...

I did another search for the Transition Channel and came across one called 'Transgender information series exposed' by 'press for truth' so i clicked on it and watched and ended up very upset and felt physically sick.  I really recommend that anyone in my position DO NOT watch this!  I don't know if anyone has seen it but it's very damaging and the guy presenting it seems to have no idea what it feels like to be in our situation and so tries to completely invalidate us.  People who are questioning their gender and are perhaps starting to realise that they might be transgender are very emotionally sensitive (well I am for sure) and this video seems to just rip the carpet up from under your feet and bulldoze the fragile structure of 'self' I am trying to build up.  Horrible.

Surely this is bordering on hate speech?

Sorry if this posting is inappropriate (please remove if needed), but I feel so upset I had to tell someone.
Guess I need a thicker skin when trawling the internet!
Vicky x

[Michelle_P]

Oh, dear.  I'm sorry you ran across that rubbish at a fragile time.

Yes, there are definitely folks out on the Internet who wish ill for us, and put effort into creating content that can be very damaging to the unaware and toxic for the uneducated.  A thick skin is necessary when stepping into unknown waters, or unknown content on the Web. 

Curated resources, like Susan's Place and a few similar sites, are probably the safest places to explore and learn.

Be careful out there!

Michelle

[Dena]

There is a lot of trash on the internet and it seems many people who don't have a clue what it's like to be transgender. You even need to be careful about reading some of the comments on transgender stories. I am a bit different than you and when I want a good argument, I will post to some of those comments. I know I am not going to change their mind but it does box them in a corner. Unfortunately I have had a few of my comments pulled because someone didn't like what I posted. The comments were well within the rules for this site and might have been appreciated by some of the members but it scared the pants off some of the people on that site.

If toxic material is posted on this site, the staff will remove it when we find it so this site is very safe. In addition, the member may earn an extended vacation from this site and will likely lose interest before they are permitted to return.