Hi everyone actually really glad I found this board! I'm a 33yr old male, and ever since I was in kindergarten a good peice of me has really wanted nothing more than to be female. Growing up, I didn't quite fit in through elementary school and was picked on a lot, and it really sucked. To feel like I wasn't normal inside, and to be picked on was really rough.
I remember playing with my younger sister (2 years difference) and we would play dress up and pretend to be sisters, I loved every second of that and wished I could just stay like that. Our parents caught us a few times and they were not very happy... I'd get yelled at and told told boys don't wear dresses!, take that off you little weirdo, etc. It devastated me... I just wanted to be like my sister and get to wear what ever I wanted. I remember once, I was probably in about grade 5, my mom was watching one of those talk shows, and there was a Trans girl on it who wanted to have SRS. I was glued to the tv! I didn't know that was possible, or even how it was done, but I thought to myself "I want that!"... my mom caught me watching and said "if you ever act like that I will disown you".... if that's actually true, I don't know, I think she was trying to scare me because inside I think she knew something was up. Either way from that day on I have never even hinted to anyone how I feel about myself.. to scared of the out come.
During junior high, I remained feeling the same way. I was jealous of all the girls in my classes, jealous of their hair (was always forced to have short hair), their makeup, their clothes, and when puberty hit... I was jealous of their bodies. I would go to bed every night praying to wake up a girl. I would say I was sick so I could stay home and wear my sister clothes while no one was home.
In high school I tried really hard to fit in as a guy. I started dressing like a skater, listening to punk and old school rap, I even got a girl friend. Inside though I still wanted to be a girl, and continued to pray every night I would wake up as one, and would still pretend to be sick to stay home alone.
After high school when I started working, I was also going to the clubs a lot with my buddies. Clubs were the worst!! I'd see all these girls dressed to kill, and I would crumble inside... not only was I attracted to them, but I was also jealous as all holy hell of them. I still remember talking to this one girl on the smoking patio one night, and looking at her breasts and wanting them, like actually wanting them... it devestated me so much inside I went home. My parents were at the lake and my sister was at her boy friends that night, so I went into girl mode the second I entered the house... I shaved everything, put on my sisters make up, (ashamed of this part... one of her thongs), one of her bras, a skirt, her boots, a fancy top and a pink wig she had and stared in the mirror for about an hour.. I slept in that that night and we going to stay like that till everyone came home, and tell them "this is me! This is what I want!" But when I heard the vehicle pull up I panicked... ripped everything off, and ran to the shower. I curled up and cried in the shower because I wanted It I badly but as so scared that I couldn't do anything about it.
Fast forward a couple years, and I joined the military, thought maybe a structure would help me, but that did nothing. On top of my military job I worked at a warehouse as well. I would steal prices of my sisters clothing and wear it under mine for the drive and take it off when I got there. For a few minutes I felt somewhat normal. Still every night I would pray and pray and pray!!
Now I'm 33 and have a family. For a couple years the feelings weren't that bad, I was able to somewhat control them. The last couple it's been almost worse than before. I drive around and when I see girls I keep a tally of how many times I get the feeling "I want to be her", and there are days that tally reaches a couple of hundred... my common law wife went on a trip with the kids a few months back, and the first thing i did when I got home was hit the closet. I taped and tucked my Penis (done this several times while at work in a bathroom stall and kept it like that all day just to relieve some of the feelings), grabbed plastic wrap and compressed my stomach, tapped my manboobs together to make cleavage, and put on he bridesmaid dress and shoes. I laid on the bed for 2 hours, feeling pissed off, angry, regretful I never came or when I was younger, and guilty as hell because I love my children and if I did come out when I was 19 like I almost did they wouldn't be here, and I can't imagine life with out them.
This week has been HORRIBLE!!! I don't think I can hold this in anymore, I'm feeling sick to my stomach every time I see an attractive female. I want to be female so bad inside.... but now as much as I want to, I can't... it no longer effects just me. I almost came out last night because my wife was going on how she didn't like certain parts of her body... I almost said "I want you body... I want what you have!" But right as I was about to blurt it out, she changed the subject...
I've been spending a ridiculous amount of time looking up HRT, FFS, SRS information this week, and before and after transitions and getting so angry it's not me... I'm starting to get snappy and have been kissing my temper a lot, and I don't want that for my kids either... I just want to be happy with who I am, and want them to be happy, which is why I'm in such a messed up state.
Can anyone relate to this? I know people will say see someone about it, but in all honesty, I've felt like this for so long, I don't need someone to tell me what's up (if that makes sense), I just want this to be over with and be happy... which I don't think is possible anymore ....
