Coming out to daughters next week

[Jessica_Rose]

I plan to come out to my daughters next week. I wanted to avoid doing this during the holidays, but this is the only time they will both be at home. I have written a one-page letter that I will read to them. I am not as eloquent as many of you, so I would appreciate any suggestions you may have. Of course I am hoping it will turn out well, but to be honest I am not sure if I have ever been more scared about anything in my life.

I want to provide a little background so you can understand our situation. My wife and I have been married 33 years. I work in IT for a large US company. My entire working career has been in IT. Our daughters are both awesome young ladies. 'E' just turned 23. She has a degree in Chemical Engineering and works for a large software company about 1000 miles away from us. I have never heard her say anything negative about the LGBTQ community. 'K' will turn 19 next month. She is studying Biology and is a senior in college about 400 miles away. About a year ago 'K' mentioned that about half of her friends were somewhere on the LGBTQ spectrum. Both daughters were salutatorians when they graduated high school. We do not practice any form of religion, but we respect those who do.

Here is the letter...please be gentle!

This is difficult for me, but I have something important to say. You may have noticed that I am calmer and happier than usual. There is a reason for it, and it is time to tell you about a life-changing decision I have made. I hope you can accept this decision, if not, I understand. I know in my heart that I have finally found my path to peace and joy. You will always have my support, and I wish you nothing but happiness and success. I love both of you deeply and nothing will ever change that.

Both of you know how easily I can become frustrated and angry about things that really don't matter. Looking back on what your lives were like growing up I realize now how difficult it must have been. I apologize to both of you for the pain I caused. The fact you have become such beautiful, intelligent, emotionally strong young women is a testament to your strength. I cannot find the words to describe how proud I am of you. I also need to thank you and your mom for saving my life. There were times which were so stressful the only thing that kept me alive was the thought of what would happen to you and your mother if I was gone. Those days are long past.

For most of my life I knew I was different, but it was a feeling I could not easily describe. Starting in my early teens social and family pressure prevented me from expressing who I was. Suppressing my feelings and emotions led to stress, confusion, frustration and anger that increased as the years passed. Although my life seemed normal on the outside, there was always a darkness hiding just beneath the surface. I can't remember how many walls I patched or how many things I destroyed. I am saddened by the behavior you witnessed. Although I learned to partially control my anger, the source of my pain remained hidden. 

Life is a journey, and my journey has taken an unexpected turn. Last December I found a site where people shared their personal stories. I was fascinated because I saw myself in so many of them -- the pressure to conform, the growing frustration and anger. As I kept reading about their journeys I had an epiphany -- I suddenly realized that I had found the source of my darkness. I cried for the first time in years. They were not tears of sadness, sorrow, or shame, they were tears of happiness, joy, and relief. I finally understood. I discovered the truth I had been suppressing from everyone, even myself. All my life I have been trying to fulfill the roles and expectations family and society had placed on me. You know the adage 'The truth shall set you free'? I have hidden from the truth far too long, and the time has come to set myself free. I have discussed this with a doctor and a therapist and they agree on the diagnosis -- I have gender dysphoria. In other words, I am transgender.

There are many theories as to what causes this condition, but none of that matters to me. I don't need to place blame on anyone or anything. I told your mom in February and started hormone therapy in late March. Since then my cloud of darkness has dissipated, along with my anger. I have finally found peace.  Each new day brings me increasing moments of joy, sometimes a joy so intense that I can't stop myself from crying. It was becoming difficult to conceal the secret I had been hiding all of my life, so I will hide no more.

This has been difficult for your mom. We are seeing a therapist and we do plan to stay together. I'm not asking for your understanding, this is something you can only truly understand if you experience it, but I hope you can accept this truth. I am also not asking forgiveness for what I did in the past, but maybe this helps explain why I was always so easily frustrated and prone to anger.

I do not know exactly when I will begin my social transition, but I expect it will be sometime within the next few months. I believe one day I will wake up and realize my time has finally arrived. It will be time to say 'goodbye' to my former self, and say 'hello' to a world where I can allow myself to live openly as the woman I always should have been.

[natalie.ashlyne]

I think it sounds really good

[LizK]

Hi Jessica

My Daughters were 19 and 21 when I told them I was trans. Our house has always been one of tolerance and bigotry in any form has never been tolerated.

Reading your letter I hear heartfelt words of someone who loves their daughters and wants them to understand. My girls were concerned about their mum but we fully accepting and now my biggest allies. I hope this is the case for you. Your letter is measured and seems to cover off each area for you. Good luck and I hope it goes well

[Megan.]

Jessica,  that letter seems pretty darn eloquent to me. I wish you the best of luck, for an even stronger and better relationship with your children. X

Sent from my MI 5s using Tapatalk

[LJH24]

That was a beautiful letter and very eloquent. Best wishes for next week. I'll be thinking about you.

[bobbisue]

     Jessica I understand your fear I felt this each time I came out to each of my 6 children I told mine individually as they are spread out in different cities your letter states things far better than I did and all of my children are supportive .Your letter brought tears to my eyes and I am sure your daughters will be as touched by your words as I am

    Best wishes
    bobbisue                    

[HappyMoni]

Jessica,
   I think this is well written. It is especially good that you talk first about the history behind everything and the pain it has caused everyone. Once you state you are trans to someone they usually don't hear much after, so I applaud what you have done here. If it  helps, I took a very similar approach with my grown sons and they told me that I handled it well after. I was honest with them beforehand and told them I was quite scared to talk with them about something but that I wanted to them ready to listen. Good luck, it is scary. Give them time to take it all in.
Moni

[KathyLauren]

That is a beautifully-written letter.  I wouldn't change a word.  I hope it goes well when you tell them.

[Denise]

Agreed.  Best wishes.

Sent from my LG-H910 using Tapatalk

[rmaddy]

First and foremost, I think it's a good letter.  Only you can tell if it captures your authentic voice, but it reads well.

I am going to offer a couple of editorial suggestions, but they are just that.  Feel free to ignore them if they are not helpful.

First, I recommend starting with the disclosure.  Something along the lines of, "I have something important to tell you.  I am transgender."  Get the hard word out on the table, then flesh out what it means for you, your spouse and them.

Starting out by saying, "you might have noticed that I am calmer and happier than usual" is potentially problematic.  Maybe they have noticed just that, in which case there is no disclosure there.  Or, they may not have noticed any change in your demeanor, in which case it sounds like you are trying to persuade them of something rather than tell them something.  Further, it is quite likely that you will, in fact, be very nervous as you begin this disclosure.  That moment the developing peace of mind you have found will not be at its most obvious.  Again, I think it's best to tell them what you have to tell them.

Second, I recommend moving the status of your relationship with your wife way up towards the top.  Their concern for her will bubble up immediately, and if you don't address it right away, they may not hear another word you said.  Again, short and sweet.  "Mom knows.  We want to stay together.  We are getting counseling."  It might also be useful to express that you regret the strain this has put on your relationship and that you have apologized to her, even as you are apologizing to them.  Not, of course, for being who you are, but rather as someone who is sympathetic to her fears and concerns.

Lastly, you may not get through this without interruptions.  Try to stay on task.  Remember, you are trying to inform them, not to convince them.  That may come later, but coming out isn't about changing their thinking.  It's about disclosing yours.

I hope that helps.  Regardless of how you choose to disclose, I wish you the very best as you do so.

[Jessica_Rose]

My thanks to everyone for their kind words and suggestions.

I do want to leave the T-bomb until later in the note, as Moni mentioned once I say 'transgender' they may not hear much else of what I want to say. For the same reason I agree with RMaddy about trying to move the information about my wife and our relationship much closer to the front of the note. It is important that they hear this information early. I also like the simple wording she suggested. I will try to come up with something better than the 'you may have noticed' line.

I will definitely be nervous. So far the only way I can read it straight through is if I concentrate on the words, not their meaning. I do want to allow some emotion through so they can get a better idea of how important this is to me. Worst case is that I may have to ask my wife to read whatever parts I can't finish. She will be at my side as I read it.

'K' has been at home since last Friday, and if she noticed anything she has not mentioned it yet. However we see 'K' several times a year so the changes may not have been dramatic enough for her to notice.

I am going to pick up 'E' at the airport in a few hours. She has not seen me since April. Hopefully I can just pass off the physical changes as being due to weight loss. A heavy coat will hide the more obvious change.

I will post another note once I tell them. Thanks again for your help and your support.

[KathyLauren]

I do want to leave the T-bomb until later in the note, as Moni mentioned once I say 'transgender' they may not hear much else of what I want to say.

I took this approach, for the same reason, when I came out to our community association.  I actually went overboard, and accidentally left the T-word out of my speech altogether!  I had meant to introduce it much like you are doing.  They seemed to understand anyway. 

[rmaddy]

I hope it goes well.  You seem ready for this. 

[Bari Jo]

That's a very good letter.  It covers all the bases.  You will for sure be asked about pronouns or a preferred name.  I think I would also include how much you want their acceptance and understanding.  I might have gone overboard on my letter to my parents and sister, but I would have been devastated if any of them turned me away.

That's my only criticism.  I hope to read of your success when you do come out.  Please post a story when you do.

Bari Jo

[Jessica_Rose]

Although I have been using 'Jessica Rose' on this forum, I have asked my wife and will ask my daughters to help me choose a name. I think involving them in the process may help with their acceptance and support. How often does a son or daughter get to choose a name for one of their parents? One of the names I am considering uses my daughter's middle names, 'Renee Nicole'. Of course that all depends upon their level of acceptance. I also still like 'Jessica Rose' and am considering 'Joy Renee'. If you like names with meaning, 'Joy Renee' means literally 'Joy reborn', which would be incredibly appropriate for me. I figure I have about 4 - 6 weeks before I need to choose a name and get a court date to start the name change process.

I have made a few changes to my letter. I basically moved the information about my wife into the first paragraph. I changed some of the I's to We's, which I think will help indicate that my wife is onboard. I won't repost the whole letter, but this is the new first paragraph:

This is difficult for me, but I need to tell you about a life-changing decision I have made. I hope you can accept this decision, if not, I understand. I know in my heart that I have finally found my path to peace and joy. I told your mom about this in February. Initially she struggled to understand, but we have been seeing a therapist who has helped us quite a bit. We do plan to stay together. We love you both deeply and nothing will ever change that. You will always have our support, and we wish you nothing but happiness and success.

I will definitely let everyone know how this turns out. Right now we plan to talk to them on 28 Dec, but that date may change based on their plans.

Thanks again to everyone for your suggestions and support.

[HappyMoni]

Jessica Rose,
If you are happy with what you wrote don't let me sound like I am criticizing your way to tell your daughters. I do have a thought and I will put it out there to think about. After all you put it out here for feed back. My letter to my coworkers was rewritten a dozen times. Rather than saying, "This is difficult for me." I might consider expressing your fear of telling them something that might damage your relationship with them or hurt them. I would then maybe express that you will do anything to help them to try understand. Don't give up on them accepting things so easily. (Really we are not even asking people to understand something we may not understand ourselves. We want them to work with us to figure out a new reality that involves a continuation of love and closeness.) I think it is very good for you to start out with the context of you and your wife like this. The one thing kids will be concerned with is is my family splitting up. I got so much support when people knew my partner and I were staying together. I think it is good you mentioned her struggle. My advice would be to hold off your line about your path to peace and happiness to the end of the letter. I would want them to know that you too had a tough time coming to terms with things and how it would affect others. There is a danger in my mind of saying "This is what is happening, decisions are all made, and this is what will make me happy. I can only speak for me but, I think saying, "I have struggled with this, Mom has as well, and I am asking for your input to make this work for all of us." might be received better. Your telling them is about them. Involving them in the naming process is a good way to ask for their involvement in the process. Respect their feelings and value there input on making things work. I introduced my kids very gradually to Monica. I wanted to move quicker, but for their sakes I allowed them time by gradually changing. The respect I showed them was returned in the long run.
Again, no disrespect to your way of doing things. As an outsider, this is what occurs to me. I wish you all the luck in the world.
Moni

[DawnOday]

If you need a template for your explanation, I found this to be one of the best. This person is FTM but it is just as applicable to us MTF.  https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,104243.msg780226.html#msg780226

[Angelgrl]

A well written letter Jessica. 

[steph2.0]

Very well done, Jessica. Your original, your revision, and the suggestions of everyone are all excellent. You are a very good writer.

I really have nothing to add other than to note that the wording on my coming out letter was very similar, especially here: "I have discussed this with a doctor and a therapist and they agree on the diagnosis -- I have gender dysphoria. In other words, I am transgender." Yup. Almost exactly what I'd written. Mine was addressed to the world at large, not family members, and posted on Facebook. If you care to read it, it's here: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,228563.msg2037025.html#msg2037025

Best of luck with your daughters, and hug your wife for us. She has earned it.

Stephanie

[Jessica_Rose]

Thanks again for the additional help. I think Moni and I are on the same wavelength. I have re-written the letter again, but the majority of the changes are in the first paragraph so I will only re-post that.

I also want to thank Dawn and Stephanie for finding some additional samples I can review. I really do appreciate all of you.

Here is the revised opening paragraph:

I need to tell you about a life-changing decision I have made. This decision was difficult because it is something many people have a hard time understanding -- it took me over 40 years to figure out. I was also afraid that it would damage our relationship or cause additional pain. Once I realized the torment this has been causing me has also hurt the people I love the most, the decision became clear. I told your mom about this in February. Initially she struggled to understand, but we are seeing a therapist who has helped us work things out. We do plan to stay together. We know you will have questions, and we want to help you understand. Please know that we love you both deeply and nothing will ever change that. You will always have our support, and we wish you nothing but happiness and success.