Kids, today's the day

[jill610]

So now that the holidays are over and I and my wife have seemingly survived those ups and downs, we have decided that today is the day that we are to tell the kids about me and the changes going on and about to come. This is largely because my wife is ready for things to move to the next stage and is getting tired of the questions from friends and folks in our social life. As of now, all of our family knows (not entirely supportive, but not terrible either), and all of our close friends. My boss and HR department are also aware, and I am about to plunk down a deposit with facial team for FFS in September.

Phew.

I need help. I went and talked to my therapist yesterday, out of pocket of course, about this topic and it helped put me at ease that I'm not destroying my 4 (girl) and 8 (boy) year old kids' future - but would love to hear other experiences with kids in this age range. Especially the not-to-do advice from experience. Right now, our plan is to sit them down after dinner and very matter of factly tell them that I am changing, that they are still the center of our universe and we love them and are not going anywhere. beyond that is there anything that matters? What questions should I expect from two too-smart-for-their-own-good kids?

very, very, very nervous about this. After 6 months, my wife wants me to make this public outside of work and this is the last bit before that. I'm about 1/2 time now as it is, and it's getting really tough to change between boy and girl modes at this point, and I think my son noticed the growing lumps on my chest yesterday (super smart kid, and about the least observant soul on the planet). yikes.

Thanks for your thoughts!

[Megan.]

Jill,  I'll simply wish the best of luck on this next step. I'm sure you care deeply for your children, I feel that as long as they feel loved,  safe and secure, they'll be fine. X

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[Megan.]

My 6 and 3 year old children haven't had a whole lot of questions. They've seen me taking the 'pills the doctor gave daddy to make me a girl'. Otherwise I simply keep reiterating that they can ask me anything anytime.
When daddy got 'boobies' they found that quite amusing!
I understand my son did announce my transition to his class at school! We'd informed his teachers in advance so they were aware of the situation.
They both still call me 'daddy', but at since point I'll discuss with them some different options..

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[jill610]

My 6 and 3 year old children haven't had a whole lot of questions. They've seen me taking the 'pills the doctor gave daddy to make me a girl'. Otherwise I simply keep reiterating that they can ask me anything anytime.
When daddy got 'boobies' they found that quite amusing!
I understand my son did announce my transition to his class at school! We'd informed his teachers in advance so they were aware of the situation.
They both still call me 'daddy', but at since point I'll discuss with them some different options..

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Thank you Megan, I will also be surprised if one or both of the kids do not announce it to the world. That'll be super lol.

They both watch me take stacks of pills every morning and have never asked why, which now that you mention it is kinda surprising.

[Pao]

There is a little info on lambda legal about being trans and parenting.
https://www.lambdalegal.org/know-your-rights/article/trans-parenting-faq

There are several trans parent groups.
I am a member of birthing and chest feeding trans group on FB. It is open to all trans people, and isn't exclusive to those topics. I am sure there are others.

I bought this book for my 4yo nephew and 7yo niece.
https://m.harpercollins.com/9780062252098/red
MY brother isn't allowing me to bring up transgender up with them yet. Even though all the stuff I've read says it is totally cool, and that younger kids take it best.

[Gertrude]

There's a great book about someone who transitioned with young kids, Jennifer Finney Boylan's She's Not There. It's a worthy read and it's in paperback/hardcover, digital and audible. She also wrote a book, parenting in three genders.


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[jill610]

I read that 15ish years ago and her two follow ones. Now if I could get my spouse to do the same that would be a win

[Kendra]

Jill, best wishes and thoughts - I bet you and your kids will be just fine.

[jill610]

Well it's done and seems like I'm the only one emotional. My son seems unphased by it though I'm sure there will be a ton of questions in the coming days and weeks. We talked about how some things stay just inside the family and this is one for now. My daughter I don't think really understands what we were saying. Hugs all around and I'm the only one sobbing. 

[Kc1058]

My daughter (16) was the most understanding. My youngest son (19) said to my wife the other day that he wasn't ready to see me in a dress. My other son is Either supportive or playing at it real well. My wife has good days and bad days.
I was a sobbing mess when I told my daughter-
Having just come out a couple weeks ago (3 weeks tomorrow actually) I understand and hope everything goes well for you going forward.


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[grrl1nside]

Congratulations, the lead up was really anxiety producing for me too but it was a huge relief once it was done.

At the time, my kids were 5 & 9. We kept adding more bedtime stories about different types of people and families. It was a lot easier because they had way more understanding by the time I came out.

I wasn't very eloquent.  We had just read George and I was a bit emotional and basically just said I was similar to the main character. Over time, we all chat more and more about it when it comes up. We are really lucky because we moved into a condo with loads of same sex couples. My girls were already seeing that there are lots of families in real life that matched the stories they were reading. I think it has helped a lot. My girls have hardly batted an eyelid. Mind you, I am not full-time yet and I know that will be another step, but I am way more comfortable that we will be able to work our way through.

I think it is really important to talk about how our kids process this change because I think the fear of harming our children is one of the biggest mental hurdles we face. It certainly slowed me down.

[Colleen_definitely]

My eight year old niece kind of freaked out when we told her. It wasn't that she was against it, she just didn't understand. My girlfriend talked to her and when my niece was ready I came in and answered questions for her and it was great from then on out.

Your son might not react the same as her but it's something I'd at least consider preparing to face. In any case congrats on the most emotionally difficult part.

[Gertrude]

I read that 15ish years ago and her two follow ones. Now if I could get my spouse to do the same that would be a win

She revised the first one as her and her wife are "intimate" again and a little follow up. She also did a TedX talk.

Congratulations!

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[jill610]

I guess the good news is that today the kids seem to be no worse for this new knowledge, though my son was a bit preoccupied with my teenage chest for a bit. I do feel like the dominos are starting to fall and the circle of folks who know about me is about to explode, and the little bit of control I believe I have will disappear. This was the first step in widening that circle beyond immediate family and close friends.

My wife and I did decide that it made sense to notify the teachers at both kids schools. That will be a bit awkward with my daughter's school since she is still in preschool, and well, they have nothing better to do than to gossip. Seems a better alternative than one of the kids blurting it out in class and catching the teacher off guard. Good advice Megan, I think.

[HappyMoni]

Jill,
   Once it is all out, you won't miss being  in the closet. I remember that I couldn't wait til everyone knew. No remembering who does and doesn't know. No whispering to those who do. No switching back and forth between gender roles. That got real old toward the end. Congratulation on telling the kids. Young folks usually adjust so well.
Moni

[jill610]

Jill,
   Once it is all out, you won't miss being  in the closet. I remember that I couldn't wait til everyone knew. No remembering who does and doesn't know. No whispering to those who do. No switching back and forth between gender roles. That got real old toward the end. Congratulation on telling the kids. Young folks usually adjust so well.
Moni

I keep telling myself this. Some days I'm really gung-ho, others I am very apprehensive. Thus far everyone has been accepting to various degrees but I know that will not continue. However, boy/girl modes are starting to blend and becoming difficult to maintain. Work is planned for September, and I'm afraid that may need to be accelerated if things continue at the pace they have been. Ah well - an exciting adventure for sure!

[HappyMoni]

I don't know if it will be the same for you, but at some point you let go of holding onto the old, the safe place and you go all in with proceeding. It is a bit of a mental leap when you realize the  past is gone and there is nothing  but the new reality. You let go of one set of fears and take on another set. After a while on that roller coaster, it starts to get smoother and smoother. Before you know it, you can't imagine life in the old role. It will be okay Jill, it really will.
Moni

[KathyLauren]

Thus far everyone has been accepting to various degrees but I know that will not continue.

You could be pleasantly surprised.  I kept wondering when the **** was going to hit the fan, but it never did.  I started coming out 19 months ago, and was fully out, full-time, 8 months ago.  You know what?  Not one person, not a single one, has said anything negative to me.  The worst I have gotten has been polite tolerance.  If that's as bad as it gets, I'll take it.

It is prudent to be prepared for the worst.  But you could be as lucky as me, in which case, enjoy the ride!

[jill610]

You could be pleasantly surprised.  I kept wondering when the **** was going to hit the fan, but it never did.  I started coming out 19 months ago, and was fully out, full-time, 8 months ago.  You know what?  Not one person, not a single one, has said anything negative to me.  The worst I have gotten has been polite tolerance.  If that's as bad as it gets, I'll take it.

It is prudent to be prepared for the worst.  But you could be as lucky as me, in which case, enjoy the ride!

So.... I am the president of a large, regional car club. Won't say more because that would really become personally identifiable in some circles in the US, but I came out yesterday to the elected officers and board members as I am up for re-election this month. These car clubs bear more similarity to gun clubs than anything else in terms of political view points. I was shocked at the responses which were unanimous that they support me, the person. Not necessarily the choice, but they support ME. I was floored and admit I cried. A lot. Tears of joy, for the first time in forever.

[HappyMoni]

When I came out, I got a standing ovation from my coworkers. It was an amazing experience. I have had some people who distanced themselves from me mostly those who don't see me much. I noticed that after a while they have loosened up. Maybe they start to accept the new reality or maybe they see I am still me. I never will know if they hold negativity inside, but it really doesn't matter.
Very happy for you Jill. Keep goin!
Moni