Is it a phase?

[Littlethings]

Hello,  I am unsure about this.  I don't know what to think about this.  I have felt chronic depression for a good portion if not most of my life (especially after puberty).  Almost without knowing what I was doing I told my sister that I wanted to be a Woman.  The Instant I said it though I had that feeling it was true. It was like a dam had broken and all the feelings so far in my life which I had ignored to the point of being strongly suppressed came roaring back with vengeance.  It feels so right and I hate it.  I don't know if it is true, and on some level don't want it to be but I can't stop thinking about it and it has been a week.  I don't know what to do, this might be just a phase, but I am TERRIFIED that it is not.

How do I know if this is just a phase?

What if it is not?

[Zquence]

I had a similar experience, I have been depressed for over a decade now and exploring this I have felt some burdens start to lessen.

Good luck and stay beautiful.  XO - Z

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[Littlethings]

I am sorry if I come off rough, I am just scared.  I hope I can find some answers
Thank - you

[Sephirah]

The best thing to do is to see someone trained in these issues, if you can. But in the meantime, just let it out. How do you feel? Why do you hate it? What are you scared of?

You don't have to go through anything alone, okay? The questions you posed are really only ones you yourself can answer, unfortunately. And seeing someone on a professional level may well help you to do that. But... I'm sorry, I can be terribly nosy at times. What are you thinking about when you can't stop thinking about it?

Sometimes, the best first step is just getting everything out.

[DawnOday]

I wish I could give you a magic potion to fix your ills but it's really going to take what is inside you and a lot of work. My first suggestion is contacting a gender therapist. I was where you are for the better part of 40 years. It's not a good place to be. Another big help is finding a support group you can attend. Just having a connection with people like yourself is so affirming. Maybe you can see your way clear to attend next years Gender Odyssey here in Seattle, in August. It will be life changing as it was for me. To see 1700 beautiful people just like you. How can you possibly feel alone. It more than likely is more than a phase.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Littlethings!

Welcome to Susan's.

No one can tell you whether it is a phase or not.  Only you can decide that.  Wanting to be the other gender, or even thinking about one's gender, is something that cis people don't generally do.   

Your best option is to talk to a gender therapist.  They can help you decide what you want and how to go about making it so.

Please feel free to stop by the Introductions forum to tell the members about yourself.  Here is some information that we like to share with new members:

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[Littlethings]

To answer your question, I can't stop thinking about living as a woman, having a job as one (I am planning on being a librarian/archivist) and having a long-term relationship with another woman. (the last part being potentially explicit)  Mostly a fantasy/thought taken as a whole or aspect which I find joy, pleasure and lightness in.  It also has the potential for all sorts of problems/ catastrophic consequence if more people to find out.  But without it or if I deny it my depression will most certainly come back will come back.  If it was to disappear on its own that is another thing but that possibility shrinks in my mind every day, and that scares me.

[Dena]

The odds are the feelings you have will remain unless treated. There may be times when you think you have it beat but if you are transgender, it will come back. We have many stories on the site where people have purged everything feminine only to replace it some time latter. Until you see a gender therapist, it's best to put your life on hold unless you tell all the truth to your future SO.

[Littlethings]

 I am going to be trying to see a gender therapist as soon as I can but it might be a while.

As for "tell all the truth to your future" are you referring to coming out or am I missing what you are saying?
Though Thank you for the advice, I am still scared but at least I know the cost of ignoring who I am.
As things happen I will keep things updated

[Sno]

Welcome to Susan's btw, I'd love to be able to wave a wand and say yes, it's a phase, it'll be over soon enough, through one means or another - but it would be a complete lie. What you're describing is role based dysphoria - I have exactly the same. I want, crave, need to be the primary care and nurture point, the provider of sustenance, succour, comfort and warmth in our home, the space that I've created to make welcome all our friends and families to. After 30 years, it still hurts, and it has contributed to the place I find myself in now, and I must say, it's not recommended...

So please, by hook or by crook, find a professional to talk to, and if you meet your soul mate, let them know you, the real you, behind the mask - the best ones will stand and fight with you. Even if you have to self fund initially, it will be worth it, I promise.

(Hugs)


Rowan

[Dena]

That is what I am saying. If you are going to get married before you resolve this, be truthful to you partner. It's far better not to marry or delay the marriage than get a divorce shortly after you marry because your partner is unable to deal with the transition. If you truly love them, you want to reduce the risk of hurting them.

[Shambles]

Youll find answers my friend, they wont come from us though theyll come from you.

The more you ponder over things the more you come to realise if you are being true now or jusy a phase. But please dont repress any feelings, you may do this as its only nateral to try and comform. You may try to convince yourseld its a phase but if these thoughts keep coming back - acept them and work out what you can do to make you happy.

Its a bit of a mind f*** but youll get there. Look through these pages, read the stories and see if any of this relates to you

X x

[Littlethings]

Thank you all for your support, it means a-lot.
I just wanted to update
I am finally going to a support group and hopefully a gender therapist.
I am also planning to come out to my dad in around a week.
I am terrified that I might have gotten this wrong but my gut tells me otherwise.
Again thank you all for your help.

[Megan.]

I'll only echo what Dena said. I was not open with my Ex before we married,  and now she's my Ex [emoji853].

Good luck with your dad and your journey. X

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[Littlethings]

Yea, I hate keeping something like this under my hat.  Luckily I am not in a relationship and that simplifies things.  But thank-you I am trying to tell the people I feel I can safely right now and when I can safely for the others I will

[Shambles]

Only time will tell my friend, please keep an open mind though. Chances are these are true frelings after what you said about the dam breaking - i csn relate to that.

Whatever happens will happen but dont suppress, try snd understand these feelings. Search on you tube for am i trans? See if you can relate to what they say. Just dont be afraid, either way your not a freak 

[Littlethings]

Update
It was sort of unexpected, I ended up telling my mom today. 
I hate holding secrets and I knew I had to tell her after she straight up guessed what was going on.  When I told her she accepted it and claims she understands, but I don't think she does yet. Overall though it went over WAY better than I thought. 
I am going to see my Dad, sometime next week. I hope it goes over as well as this did. My coming out to him most certainly is better planned.

When I came out to my mom in the process of her asking questions, she further jogged my memories. sort of like photos with one aspect cropped out with a person going down each one mashing the undo crop button.  More things fell into place. If I was a bit unsure before I am now about as sure as I can be, in like the 90% range.
Thank you for the advice and support Shambles the videos really helped.

[Jenny94]

OP, I know it's the standard advice on here to say "talk to a therapist", but I personally talked to one and it didn't help either way. Why not socially transition? That's what I've done, pre-HRT, pre-all the rest of it, just started living as female. (Passing tips from a friend helped immeasurably, let me know if you're interested.) It's been a good litmus test, I still have doubts, but I know that life as Jenny trumps life as Joe by 100 times. It sounds like you're pretty convinced, far more than me when I socially transitioned!

J xx

[Littlethings]

Ironically enough my mom is a therapist (not a gender therapist), I get your point but I really do want to talk to one though my current circumstances make that rather difficult, Ideally I want to talk to one before I come out to my dad but that might not happen. 
I feel as sure as I do from some added context to memories, in addition to the feelings I have right now.   I am not without doubts but they are relatively minimal at this point.  I know I feel better being referred to as a her (My mom said I was her Daughter, that felt really good/right).

On passing and socially transitioning, I have actually started shaving arms (again I felt better having the hair gone) and plan on getting to my legs.  I am considering other inconspicuous, not very noticeable things, to change.  Any tips you have on passing would be much appreciated. Make-up as yet is out of reach but with any luck I can lay my hands on some soon.
And You are right passing/dressing up will be a good litmus test, when I feel safe/secure enough I will do it. As sure as I am right now, there is that thought, what if I am wrong? I doubt that will ever fully go away but I figure it is an improvement from before.


thank-you your guys support means so much,this is sort of a difficult time for me.