How to live as myself?

[Jamie_06]

I can't stay male because I want to be female. I can't transition to female because I'll miss being male. Both male and female aspects of me are completely legitimate, and to lose either one would be losing part of myself. I can't be both because that just makes me a guy who dresses as and pretends to be a girl, and not actually a girl, and I want to really be a girl. I can't be neither, because that prevents me from being either male or female. What am I supposed to do?

[Mariah]

It's important to note that Jamie doesn't want to fully transition and still wants to present both male and female. They afraid and concerned because they hear so much about others who are genderfluid eventually Socially transitioning as the opposite gender than they were assigned and they don't want that to happen them completely.

[Devlyn]

I didn't have to do a lot of mental gymnastics when I figured out that the boy or girl choices really didn't apply to me. I knew I was shedding off society's labels. I think it can be really ingrained in some of us, and for some it isn't that easy to say "Boy or girl? Nah, I'm a unicorn." 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Jamie_06]

"Boy or girl? Nah, I'm a unicorn." 

*dinosaur.

[Jessica]

I can't stay male because I want to be female. I can't transition to female because I'll miss being male. Both male and female aspects of me are completely legitimate, and to lose either one would be losing part of myself. I can't be both because that just makes me a guy who dresses as and pretends to be a girl, and not actually a girl, and I want to really be a girl. I can't be neither, because that prevents me from being either male or female. What am I supposed to do?

Hi Jamie 🙋‍♀️ I have been struggling with this same issue.  I want to be a woman but I'm entirely comfortable with my male self. HT has reduced issues I've had with impatience and insistence.  So I want to absolutely continue but I'm afraid of falling down the rabbit hole of obsession.  I want to feel feminine without pushing it on anyone.  I don't mind having a feminine shape or even acting in a feminine manner.  Dressing in a feminine style is not out of the question either. I don't mind dressing, acting in a masculine manner also. 
Have you found anything that has helped you?  I have found that short breaks from the world of transition has helped me climb out of the rabbit hole.

Hugs, Jessica 💁‍♀️

[JoanneB]

I can't stay male because I want to be female. I can't transition to female because I'll miss being male. Both male and female aspects of me are completely legitimate, and to lose either one would be losing part of myself. I can't be both because that just makes me a guy who dresses as and pretends to be a girl, and not actually a girl, and I want to really be a girl. I can't be neither, because that prevents me from being either male or female. What am I supposed to do?

I started struggling with this question almost 60 years ago and took it head on almost 10 years ago. I had 2 utter fail transition "experiments" in my early 20's then resigned myself to settle on being just a CD with a dream for my next life.

I like to define "Transition" just as any dictionary would; "To Change".  When I came to the point of needing to take the Trans-Beast on, for real, 10 years ago, transitioning was the absolute last thing on my RADAR. Been there, tried it twice. Not for me. If a slightly balding, 6ft tall, deep voiced, and big everything person failed back then, what chance does a far more balder and older one have? Plus, as you said, gender is but one of many aspects of what make me Me. My particular flavor of GD wasn't debilitating. It did not consume almost every waking moment as I've others in my support group express. I had a well entrenched "Male" life which has many aspects, important aspects, that would be put at great risk of loss. A price far more then I was willing to pay for a life as a 6ft tall, old, bald, gravely voiced "->-bleeped-<-" trying to survive somehow till I am old enough to collect on my retirement money.

A good part of what was making me emotionally crazy those first few years was the deeply entrenched binary choices between being Male or Female. I started taking on the Trans-Beast so I can just be Me, whatever that is. Unlike you, in an ideal world I would love to live and fully transition towards female. The reality of my life, the far more important Needs of my life, today, and the near to distant future says that isn't going to happen any time soon. My reality, the Me of today, I came to realize is Non-Binary. Between a fantastic support group, HRT, Susan's, and a for real Gender Therapist, I learned and know that if I NEEDED to, I can and will make a social transition.

When my therapist and I talked about this NB labeling, she said "Don't get hung up on labels". People like labels. They are a convenient "handle" to grab who you are by. Not perfect but helps. Also can hurt if you see only 2 handles for you to hold on to.

Did I "Transition". Hell Yes. I am a far far different person then I was 10 years ago. I still live and present primarily as male. I made a lot of changes in how I see myself as a person. I learned a lot of new ways to help me fit into my world. I try not to rely on my old tools of Shame and Guilt. I discovered and learned of better tools to use. I also need a crutch to help me emotionally, HRT. Technically, I have started a medical transition. Especially when your wife is jealous of your breasts. But they are easy for this former fatty to hide thanks to a lifetime of wearing baggy clothes (in male mode only  )

What for you to do?

I tried fixing myself from the inside. Perhaps there is a thing or two inside you you'd like to fix

[Jessica]

I started struggling with this question almost 60 years ago and took it head on almost 10 years ago. I had 2 utter fail transition "experiments" in my early 20's then resigned myself to settle on being just a CD with a dream for my next life.

I like to define "Transition" just as any dictionary would; "To Change".  When I came to the point of needing to take the Trans-Beast on, for real, 10 years ago, transitioning was the absolute last thing on my RADAR. Been there, tried it twice. Not for me. If a slightly balding, 6ft tall, deep voiced, and big everything person failed back then, what chance does a far more balder and older one have? Plus, as you said, gender is but one of many aspects of what make me Me. My particular flavor of GD wasn't debilitating. It did not consume almost every waking moment as I've others in my support group express. I had a well entrenched "Male" life which has many aspects, important aspects, that would be put at great risk of loss. A price far more then I was willing to pay for a life as a 6ft tall, old, bald, gravely voiced "->-bleeped-<-" trying to survive somehow till I am old enough to collect on my retirement money.

A good part of what was making me emotionally crazy those first few years was the deeply entrenched binary choices between being Male or Female. I started taking on the Trans-Beast so I can just be Me, whatever that is. Unlike you, in an ideal world I would love to live and fully transition towards female. The reality of my life, the far more important Needs of my life, today, and the near to distant future says that isn't going to happen any time soon. My reality, the Me of today, I came to realize is Non-Binary. Between a fantastic support group, HRT, Susan's, and a for real Gender Therapist, I learned and know that if I NEEDED to, I can and will make a social transition.

When my therapist and I talked about this NB labeling, she said "Don't get hung up on labels". People like labels. They are a convenient "handle" to grab who you are by. Not perfect but helps. Also can hurt if you see only 2 handles for you to hold on to.

Did I "Transition". Hell Yes. I am a far far different person then I was 10 years ago. I still live and present primarily as male. I made a lot of changes in how I see myself as a person. I learned a lot of new ways to help me fit into my world. I try not to rely on my old tools of Shame and Guilt. I discovered and learned of better tools to use. I also need a crutch to help me emotionally, HRT. Technically, I have started a medical transition. Especially when your wife is jealous of your breasts. But they are easy for this former fatty to hide thanks to a lifetime of wearing baggy clothes (in male mode only  )

What for you to do?

I tried fixing myself from the inside. Perhaps there is a thing or two inside you you'd like to fix

Thank you Joanne for your insight into yourself.  The goal I have is very similar to your situation.  What I fear is going off the path I'm on because of obsessing.  I need to find a focus point to at least give me a bearing to find it.  I love who I am, it's who I always have been.
Therapy helps but sometimes group members can insist you should be on their path because it works for them. 

[Deborah]

What I fear is going off the path I'm on because of obsessing.

I think that is a danger here if you spend too much time comparing yourself to others in the forum.  You just need to find that equilibrium point where you are happy and comfortable and not be concerned that it may be different that some or many others here.

For me that equilibrium point was simply HRT and growing out my hair.   I think 99% of my angst was resolved with just those two things.  I used to worry that there was something off about me because I no longer obsess about dressing up or even really care about makeup.  Finally I quit worrying about either and instantly my happiness points increased.

I've been a non-conformist my entire life and don't see any reason to change that now.

HRT has been kind to me too in the changes it has made to my face and body.   Losing weight and even all the strength training I do seem to have helped a lot too. 



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[Yakayla]

That's a lot of "I can't". But really you can. You can be a boy one day, be a girl for a couple weeks, then a boy a month, back to a girl for 5 years. You can do whatever you want. Who cares. Don't over think it, just go where your heart takes you. The only right way to be you is to be you. Put some long hair, some makeup, a padded bra, and a dress on a Ken doll, what do you get? Barbie.

[Jessica]

I think that is a danger here if you spend too much time comparing yourself to others in the forum.  You just need to find that equilibrium point where you are happy and comfortable and not be concerned that it may be different that some or many others here.

For me that equilibrium point was simply HRT and growing out my hair.   I think 99% of my angst was resolved with just those two things.  I used to worry that there was something off about me because I no longer obsess about dressing up or even really care about makeup.  Finally I quit worrying about either and instantly my happiness points increased.

I've been a non-conformist my entire life and don't see any reason to change that now.

HRT has been kind to me too in the changes it has made to my face and body.   Losing weight and even all the strength training I do seem to have helped a lot too. 



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you Deborah, that is why I occasionally have brief spells of absence here.  Time enough for me to keep on track.  Comparisons are necessary but trying to match is unrealistic. 
A number of us here have very close paths and it's good to find comparisons that reinforce your goals.

[Steele]

If I correctly understood, your ideal is ability to turn into girl and back to guy when you want... I had similar thoughts, my solution was just to be/look/act as androgyne. I found it's OK for me.

I'm sorry if I said something incorrect or stupid.

[JoanneB]

Thank you Joanne for your insight into yourself.  The goal I have is very similar to your situation.  What I fear is going off the path I'm on because of obsessing.  I need to find a focus point to at least give me a bearing to find it.  I love who I am, it's who I always have been.
Therapy helps but sometimes group members can insist you should be on their path because it works for them.

In my support group there are a couple of members, as in youdth, that just say F em all. Do what you want. Don't look back... you know the drill. They also don't have the "Quality of life" I've come to expect for myself, or even me when I was that age.

BTW - I've also had a couple of group members say I am there hero because I am able to keep on striking some sort of balance and face all the challenges in taking the path I am on