Hello, trans community. I'm a 20 yr. old male and I'm seeking for guidance here. Since I was young, I always felt something was wrong. When I was around 11 yrs. old, I used to watch bodyswap mtf videos (fiction) daily and was fascinated by the power of possession (which was why I was into ghosts). I never felt right with my male body, so I stumbled upon these videos after searching. I was so deep into it that I considered doing some witchcraft in order to transform into a female. I felt like my soul was in the wrong body, and this was before I even knew the lgbt community existed. This was going on for a yr. until I stopped and tried hard to be masculine to get these thoughts off my head. I told myself that heterosexuality is the natural process for human beings, and it was impossible to be otherwise unless I'm mentally ill. I told myself that it's impossible to be a woman, because at that time, I wasn't aware of trans people existing. It's not shocking to have this mindset because I come from a Muslim family. One time, I even tried on my mom's underwear so I can image myself as a woman. I felt more better, but not completely because of that "thing" down there. I knew for a fact that if I had a sister (I only have a brother) around my age, I would be drawn to her toys and clothes. I was never able to experience this at a very young age because my family are conservative. They were strictly against showing any signs of homosexuality. My parents felt discomfort when I tried to grow out my hair long because it was against Islam.
At that time, I was Muslim and was scared of going to hell, so I tried to believe that it was a phase. I love applying my mom's beauty products (face mask, moisturizer, etc.) and it takes me longer than an average guy to get ready. I hate hair anywhere on my body so I shave there. I really dislike male secondary characteristics the moment they appeared. I wanted to be called beautiful (nice legs, bum, hair, etc.) instead of handsome, and I envied that females received these compliments. I'm comfortable with my sexuality enough to feel flattered if any person (regardless of gender) complimented me. I guess most guys take it as in a sexual way and I was not like them. My mom always jokes that I should've been born a girl and I feel flattered by that compliment. Whenever I see beautiful girls, I envy their beautiful hair and curves. Something triggered me when I realized that transgender people exist, I felt relieved that it was possible to transition and that I was not the only one out there. I'm still exploring my sexuality, but I rarely look at women in a lustful way, guess you can say I have a very low sex drive. Most often, I hate looking at myself in the mirror because I see a "man". I always stare at women's pictures so I can visualize myself as them. When I touch myself in the shower, I close my eyes and imagine myself with curves.
In the future: As a man, I see myself living myself in misery, shunning dating/marriage (because of not feeling comfortable of someone making love with my male body), and ultimately suiciding in the end. As a woman, I see myself as an elegant woman with a partner who loves me for who I am, having kids (I'd love to experience pregnancy to know the true joy of motherhood, but I know it's not possible), and ultimately living a happy life.
I'm trying so hard to suppress these feelings, but I feel like I will suicide in the end in the future. I also am recovering from an eating disorder that I had for a yr. because I wanted to start HRT as soon as possible. I'm planning on moving in a different state after completing college, so I can live more like a woman (putting on makeup, dresses, etc.) alone. When I start transitioning, I won't live as a full time woman yet. I know 100% for sure that my mom would kick me out homeless, so I'd have to be in boy mode for a while before I move out. I know this is a long post, but thanks for reading my story. It feels good getting this off my chest.
P.S. I want to mention that I'm now an atheist and perhaps that's why I feel like I accept myself. I also live in Texas so I'm not aware of the price and procedure. I really want to start early and work myself up to be passable as a woman.
