I came out to my daughters today, and it went better than I could ever have imagined! My older daughter even admitted that she considers herself non-binary, which she had never mentioned before. I had a really hard time reading my letter, but I did make it through. We are heading out to lunch in a few minutes.
Thanks to everyone here for your help and support, I could not have done this without you!
This is what I told my daughters:
I have been living my life under a set of rules that were not designed for me, and they have been slowly destroying my soul. I have decided to break free from the past, and today I will tell you what that means.
I have no regrets. I would not have lived my life any differently. You two young ladies are the light of my life. If I had done anything differently there is no way to know how it would have affected you, and I love both of you just the way you are.
I have reached the point in my life where it is time for a change. There will be many details to work out, but hopefully it will not affect any of your plans. 'E', we will always be here to help you. 'K', helping you pay for college is still our top priority, you don't need to worry about that.
Then I read the letter:
I need to tell you about a life-changing decision I have made. This decision was difficult because it is something most people have a hard time understanding -- it took me over 40 years to figure out. I was also afraid that it would damage our relationship or cause you pain. Once I realized that the torment this has been causing me has also been hurting the ones I love the most, the decision was clear. I told your mom about this in February. Initially she struggled to understand, but we are seeing a therapist who has helped us work things out. We plan to stay together. We know you will have questions, and we want to help you understand. Please know that we love you both deeply and nothing will ever change that. You will always have our support, and we wish you nothing but happiness and success.
You know how easily I could become frustrated and angry about things that didn't really matter. Looking back on what your lives were like growing up I realize now how difficult it must have been. I apologize to both of you for the pain I caused. The fact you have become such beautiful, intelligent, emotionally strong young women is a testament to your strength. I cannot find the words to describe how proud I am of you. I also need to thank you and your mom for saving my life. There were times which were so stressful the only thing that kept me alive was the thought of what would happen to you and your mom if I was gone. Don't worry, those days are long past.
For most of my life I knew I was different, but it was a feeling I could not easily describe. Starting in my early teens social and family pressure prevented me from expressing who I am. Suppressing my feelings and emotions led to stress, confusion, frustration and anger that increased as the years passed. Although my life seemed normal on the outside, there was always a darkness hiding just beneath the surface. I can't remember how many walls I patched or how many things I destroyed out of anger. I am saddened by the behavior you witnessed. Although I learned to partially control my temper, the source of my pain remained a mystery to me.
Life is a journey, and my journey has taken an unexpected turn. Last December I found a site where people shared their personal journeys. I was fascinated because I saw myself in so many of them -- the pressure to conform, the growing frustration and anger. As I kept reading about their journeys I had an epiphany -- I suddenly realized that I had found the source of my darkness. I cried for the first time in years. They were not tears of sadness, sorrow, or shame, they were tears of happiness, joy, and relief. I finally understood. I discovered the truth I had been suppressing from everyone, even myself. All my life I have been trying to fulfill the roles and expectations family and society had placed on me. You know the adage 'The truth shall set you free'? I have hidden from the truth far too long, and the time has come to set myself free. I have discussed this with a doctor and a therapist and they agree on the diagnosis -- I have gender dysphoria. I am, and always have been, transgender.
There are many theories as to what causes this condition, but none of that matters to me. I don't need to place blame on anyone or anything. I started hormone therapy in late March. Since then my cloud of darkness has dissipated, along with my anger. I know in my heart that I have finally found my path to peace and happiness. Each new day has brought me increasing moments of joy, sometimes a joy so intense that I can't stop myself from crying. It was becoming difficult to conceal the secret I had been hiding all of my life, so I will hide no more.
This is something you can only truly understand if you experience it, but I hope you can accept this truth. I am not asking forgiveness for what I did in the past, but maybe this helps explain why I was always so easily frustrated and prone to anger. I do not know exactly when I will begin my social transition, but I expect it will be sometime within the next few months. I believe one day I will wake up and realize my time has finally arrived. It will be time to say 'goodbye' to my former self, and say 'hello' to a world where I can allow myself to live openly as the woman I have always been.
