Isolation

[Littlethings]

Some more questions

How do you handle the isolation and stress of being in the closet?
How did you build your support network or find one in your area?
Any ideas on testing the waters for coming out to someone?
What if you were wrong about who you are?

[KathyLauren]

When I was fully in the closet, in denial to myself, I didn't handle it well at all.  Once I was out to myself and a few people close to me, I still found being in the closet to everyone else to be hard.  It was bearable only because I knew it to be the first step of a fulfilling journey.  I don't have any survival tips except that transition was my way out.

My support network started with my wife.  I knew I needed her on board before even starting therapy.  Immediately after telling her, I came out to a neighbour who I knew worked with LGBT kids.  I figured she would be supportive and could help me find resources in my area.  That led me to getting into therapy, and also to finding a support group in the nearest big city.  If you don't have a helpful neighbour, any city would have an LGBT organization that could connect you in the same way.

Testing the waters... Nope.  You can't dip your toes in.  The first one, you just have to dive right in.  Pick someone you are close to and whom you trust.  There are sample letters and many coming out tales on these forums to help with how to present your news.  I chose my wife because that is just how our relationship works: she had to be the first to know.  Other people, in other relationships, talk to a therapist first, and get help from them with planning their coming-out strategy.  There is no one right way to do it.  You have to decide what will work best in your situation.

This is all about who you are.  How can you be wrong about who you are?  Your therapist will help you decide whether or not you really are transgender, and what is your best course of action.  But you are who you are.  The feelings that brought you to ask those questions are real.  You didn't imagine them.  That is your assurance that you are real.

It is normal to have doubts.  Cisgender people never question their gender.  Doubts or not, the fact that you are asking the questions strongly suggests that you are trans.

[Rachel]

I go(went) to a group that is monitored by a LSW. I have not been there for a few weeks and need them less as time goes by. There is a social group that meets later that I need to start going to. I had a trainer at a LGBT gym, my therapist and my primary care which is LGBT, heavy on the T. I also belong to Pride at work.

Do you really think deep down inside you are wrong??

Start going to group and just press the envelope, you will get there. In the end you will find out no one really cares.

[Tamika Olivia]

I hated being in the closet, so much. It was so stressful and disheartening. So what I did was rush through it where I could. I came out to my best friend a few days after my egg hatched, and to my sister a day after that. I came out to my friends a week or so after that, and my parents about a month in. About the only place that took a while was work, where I was afraid I would lose my contract position.  But I was on hormones, my clock was ticking, so I came out to my boss about a year after starting hormones, and the rest of work about a month after that. I kept my job and got to stop wasting any time or energy on boy mode.

That's my life though. I don't know your challenges, but if your safety (physical, emotional, and financial) is not at serious risk and you hate being in the closet... I recommend the band-aid mode.

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[Shambles]

Some more questions

How do you handle the isolation and stress of being in the closet?
How did you build your support network or find one in your area?
Any ideas on testing the waters for coming out to someone?
What if you were wrong about who you are?

Not handling the closet life very well atm, feels like im the only piece of land on a waterworld and if i leave it ill drown. I have turned to vaping for stress and currently having a war on body hair is taking my mind off things but at times even this feels like self harm lol.

For me theres no lgbt groups for around 15 miles or so and no one to talk to. Being wrong and testing the waters came hand in hand for me.

I came out to a nurse at my docs over the phone, while it was a super horrid conversation even hearing me say these things and did come away thinking this isnt me, im just confused or mentally ill or something after i slept on it i knew what inwas said was true. Saying it outloud to someone comfirmed it.

Its a fine balance between depresion and burying it espically when you feel like you cant speak to your wife about things, not because you dont think she will acept it but when you dont think she cares about you full stop.

At some point ill tell her and my family but that day isnt today. The question isnt are you wong about yourself it should be how do i live with this information, how can i live with myself, how can i be happy

[FreyaG]

Get some cats.

Never underestimate cis women.  My cis girlfriends love me so fiercely and wonderfully, I couldn't even ever begin to repay their faithfulness and their sheer utter magnificence.

Don't rule out progressive faith communities as a place of safety and warmth.  Don't use them as a means to end, but do check out your local Episcopal, United Church of Christ, Unitarian Universalist assemblies.  Chances are, you will find a group of very determined and loving people who will surround you with affirmation and will shower you with wisdom.

[elkie-t]

Describe your situation, everyone's closet is different...

Have you been out in public at all?


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[rmaddy]

At some point, you get sick of not being known as you are, and the pretense becomes unbearable.  Coming out is different for everyone, but you won't find too many people who regret it in the end.

[Kylo]

I handle it because I've been isolated all my life, mostly. I don't have much in the way of a support network I can just go to. Except myself. And I suppose places like this where I can get information I want.

This is normal for me so I guess that's how it's not unbearable.

There wasn't any stress of being in the closet as I didn't feel like I was hiding much. I felt like other people could already read it in my eyes. Like they already knew I had some issues. I dealt with that with apathy.

I'm not wrong about who I am. But if I was horribly mistaken - what's the worst I would have to do? Go back to the GIC, explain it, explain to others, detransition and change my legal documents again. It's not like a magic spell deal that is impossible to break once made.

I think coming out to people is best done in letters sometimes. That's because the words on a page remain, but people forget what words are said in a conversation. You can say everything you want in a letter and not be interrupted, and the letter can be read more than once.

[MelissaPink]

I believe that isolation is one of the worst enemies of the human psyche.  I was closeted for several years. I didn't even confide my gender status to a therapist that I was seeing for depression and P.T.S.D. When I finally opened up to her and gained her support I was relieved of an enormous burden.  Over time I began to venture out and develop a network of supportive friends in the real world as well as on line.  I have a M.A. in counseling so I'm somewhat biased about the benefits of self referral to a therapist that you can build a professional relationship with and trust with your inner feelings.  A counselor shouldn't be a "well paid friend" or give you advice. They are there to help guide you and encourage you to make positive decisions in your life.   When and if you think you are ready, if your community has a LGBT center I suggest seeing if they have a trans group that meets regularly.  If you meet like minded people and make a few friends your tendency to feel isolated will be diminished.  I think that many of us have had the feelings that you're describing.  I suggest reaching out to others that you can trust and know that your feelings aren't unique to just you. 

[Thea]

I didn't handle being closeted very well at all. I was miserable. I drank a lot.
As long as I stayed drunk I could deny there was an issue. That went on for over 40 years. Finally I got sober and had to face my real self as a part of my recovery. It felt like the weight of the world had been lifted. I sometimes ask, "why did I wait so long?" The truth is that fear can be a powerful enemy and can drive a person to do the most self-destructive things.