Invited to baby shower, and a bit nervous

[Lady Sarah]

My only niece is expecting her first baby in February. Today, I received an invite to her baby shower. Normally, I would be thrilled. The problem I see, is that she is a bigot. She hates the fact that her cousin married a black woman, and she hates me. She was in her goth mode just before she met her current boyfriend, and hated everybody enough that she did not have a graduation party after graduating high school. I have little faith she will ever get out of being hateful of those she deems different. This is one of those 19 year olds that failed to get the message that diversity can be a good thing. Her parents are nothing like that. In fact, her mother is an ordained minister that marries LGTB people.
I intend to attend the baby shower. I fully intend to be nice. However, her hateful stares give me the creeps. I could use some advice on how to handle attending this event. It has been decades since I attended any event where I was hated. I think the only reason I was invited, was because her mother  (my sister in law) strongly suggested it.

[Dena]

If you decide to attend, you will need to play it by ear as there is no way to know for sure what will happen. I suggest an alternative. Tell them you are unable to attend and send a gift. It will be polite to all of the people involved and it will avoid the risk that things will get nasty.

[Yakayla]

Babies can change people. With a lot of people, all the small stuff that seemed important to you, seem pointless. If there was ever a time to bridge the gap between, it would be here. But the choice is yours of course. And if you do attend, you better have a good exit strategy just in case.

[bubbles21]

Hey there 

I agree with Dena, if you think she's going to be nasty and give you those stares then just send a nice little prezzie and say you can't make it.

I thought when people have babies they become more loving and caring (speaking from experience i've had with my sister and other family members), i know my sister did, her whole attitude and outlook on life changed. I think that change came from a realization that 'what if one of my children is LGBTQI?'she wouldn't want her babies to be treated how we are treated and i think that's what woke her up, bcz to be frank, she was horrible when we were kids with the bigoted language. Im sure this doesn't happen to everybody but i def think it's something to watch and see if a change in her attitude happens after she has bub.

As for the whole being against diversity thing i dont get that, especially for a 19 yr old, we knw that we younger people nowadays are generally more progressive and openminded but obviously we aren't homogeneous lol Anyway, like dena said, send a prezzie, this is polite and you are being smart by choosing not to be around someone you said hates you. If you do go i'd just say try to stick with those who are understanding like your sister in law and avoid those who are being crappy for no other reason than them being bigots.

Best wishes,

B

[rmaddy]

Her attention should be divided most of the time.  When it isn't, it sounds like you'll have to be the adult in the room.  Good luck...you're a better woman than I am!

[Allison S]

I had a cousin mock me at the very end of her wedding telling me I'll never have "this experience". She was probably drunk and I didn't really care because her wedding was crap but it was infront of my uncle and his wife. Which was embarrasing.

I don't know for sure but my immediate family says she's changed a lot since having her baby. I still wouldn't associate with her because we were never close anyway.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[Shambles]

If you do go try to have a good out ready up your sleave. A good reason to leave early might stop some nervousness about the situation even if you dont use it and stay the duration

[Julia1996]

I hate to suggest this but maybe she wants you there for entertainment value. When I first transitioned someone invited me to a party and turned me into her own personal freak show. After hearing some people talking I found out a lot of the people didn't even like the person having the party and that they only came to see the trans girl.

Considering how this person has treated you and her ignorant, racist views I would not only not attend, I wouldn't send a gift either. You wont be missing much if you don't go. My mother once dragged me to a baby shower when the friend who was supposed to go with her got sick. OMG, how totally boring! The woman who the shower was for went on and on about her Dr.visits and made everyone look at her sonogram pictures. I don't know what's so interesting about a sonogram. It looked like scribble on a chalk board to me. And it wasn't even interesting when she opened her gifts. They were all baby related. It was one of the most boring things I ever attended. I was tempted to light something on fire or hit myself in the head with a hammer just to end the boredom!

[Faith]

I'm with Julia on this one. I would not attend, nor would I make any sort of reply. If, by some miracle, she wants to clear the air then let her find a more one-on-one way to do it. If she doesn't then you're better off not being there.

I've declined all sorts of family related events, verbally or just by not going. An invite to an event does not negate previous negatives.

[Lady Sarah]

If I don't go, neither will my mother. She will not drive that far alone. She is fixing to be 71 in a couple weeks, and adores her only grand daughter, fixing to give birth to her first great grandson.
I'm sure Phillip won't go, which leaves me with no exit strategy. The expectant mother is the only one in the family that is a bigot.  The rest may scold her if she gets out of line. This is likely why she did not associate with the rest of the family for Thanksgiving or Christmas.

[rmaddy]

Obviously Sarah has to decide whether going is worth the potential conflict, but sometimes the value of staying connected with the rest of the family makes it worth putting up with one particularly obnoxious member.

[Lady Sarah]

Having talked to my mother, she is wondering if we'll go, and how long we might stay. The expectant mother also hates "old people" enough that she would not hug her own grandmother until told to do so by her mother. If she is going to be so antisocial and intolerant, perhaps she needs a proverbial slap in the face caused by her own attitude.

[Julia1996]

Having talked to my mother, she is wondering if we'll go, and how long we might stay. The expectant mother also hates "old people" enough that she would not hug her own grandmother until told to do so by her mother. If she is going to be so antisocial and intolerant, perhaps she needs a proverbial slap in the face caused by her own attitude.

Please don't take offense but this person sounds psychotic or something. Hates old people and refuses to hug her grandmother. That's seriously messes up. I wouldn't go near someone like that myself.

[Lady Sarah]

Please don't take offense but this person sounds psychotic or something. Hates old people and refuses to hug her grandmother. That's seriously messes up. I wouldn't go near someone like that myself.

I prefer the term "sociopath" for someone like her. I'm hoping she gets a rude awakening.

Sent from my NS-P10A7100 using Tapatalk

[Dena]

My mother is 15 years older than yours and she still drives 34 miles to work every day. Hate to tell you how fast she puts miles on her vehicle. Back to the issue. If you go, make an agreement with your mother that if one of you feels uncomfortable, you will leave the shower and wait in the car for the other to show up. The other person isn't obligated to leave until they are ready (had enough).

[Lady Sarah]

My mother is 15 years older than yours and she still drives 34 miles to work every day. Hate to tell you how fast she puts miles on her vehicle. Back to the issue. If you go, make an agreement with your mother that if one of you feels uncomfortable, you will leave the shower and wait in the car for the other to show up. The other person isn't obligated to leave until they are ready (had enough).

Good idea! The event is not scheduled until Jan. 20th, so we have time to discuss it. Since my niece does not have friends, I would not be surprised if she cancels the event, but expects presents anyways. Maybe she was spoiled a bit too much.

[Allison S]

Wow no disrespect but your niece sounds like she has a horrible personality

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[Lady Sarah]

Today was the day. My mother stayed home, sick. I went to the baby shower with my husband.
The place was so packed, if it was gonna go down in a bad way, it was going to be a total disaster. Fortunately, everybody was nice and friendly. I had never met any of the father's family before today, and got along with them fine. The mother to be (my niece) must have taken her happy pills. She didn't even attempt to isolate herself from others or say anything derogative.

[Bari Jo]

Whew, that's good news.  What a nagging weight to be lifted too.  All of the showers I've been invited to have been before coming out.  I've brought gifts, but always leave a bit early.  Perhaps that might change after I am out to them.  I'm happy you were able to attend with your husband and be yourself.

Bari Jo