Emotional Peaks and Valleys

[MelissaPink]

Are there times when any of you feel that your gender dysphoria is more intense than others? As I've stated in other posts I repressed my gender dysphoria for many years and came to terms with it in 2009. Now that the cat is out of the bag so to speak there are times when I feel more anxious about my male body than others.  If I were to wake up tomorrow with a healthy woman's body I would be quite pleased and beyond ecstatic. However, there are times when I get frustrated and question if subjecting my body and mind to HRT, laser hair removal, wearing a wig daily to cover my bald head and related elective surgeries  as well as the social challenges are worth it all at this stage of the game.  In other words "Should I just settle for living as a male?"  I don't care for that option as it's clear to me that psychologically, emotionally and sexually I'm wired like a woman.   My therapist and several transgender friends have helped validate my feelings and suggest that they are quite "normal" and not unusual as it's natural for people to select the path of least resistance.  I'm scheduled to see an endocrinologist to be evaluated for HRT next month.  Do you think HRT will help me emotionally focus more on my decision to transition?  Based on the research that I've conducted many trans women report that the positive physical effects of HRT have improved their outlook on their decision to transition.  Any feedback and insight would be appreciated.  Thanks!

[Allison S]

I think it's normal to feel stressed by it all. It's a lot and the outcome isn't gauranteed to be the way you want. But surely it's worth trying?

These worries actually got worse for me recently on hrt but I think, I'm only 3 months in, how much can I really expect? It's better than none at all! That's my view. I have my 4th laser session next week and then after that I get my blood drawn.

It's a matter of building blocks so to speak. I keep looking forward and if I turn back it's to catch someone up on things. I know that's cliche but it's been helping me.

Hrt is not over night it's definitely going to require patience. Only way for me I figured is to learn trial by fire which I'm doing and if I succeed.. we'll see I guess [emoji4]

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[MelissaPink]

I think it's normal to feel stressed by it all. It's a lot and the outcome isn't gauranteed to be the way you want. But surely it's worth trying?

These worries actually got worse for me recently on hrt but I think I'm only 3 months in, how much can I really expect? It's better than none at all! That's my view. I have my 4th laser session next week and then after that I get my blood drawn.

It's a matter of building blocks so to speak. I keep looking forward and if I turn back it's to catch someone up on things. I know that's cliche but it's been helping me.

Hrt is not over night it's definitely going to require patience. Only way for me I figured is to learn trial by fire which I'm doing and if I succeed.. we'll see I guess [emoji4]

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It is certainly stressful and often scary but exciting in a good way.  I do know that it will time and patience for me to benefit from HRT much in the same way that puberty takes several years during adolescence.  I think that you're building block analogy is a good one.   As a former long distance runner I use the ultra marathon analogy.  The first time someone suggested that we run a 50 miler I thought that it was impossible. However, with the right training, steady pace and taking it one mile at a time with short breaks a long the way I always finished the race strong.  Like you I just have to continue this path and see what happens. Thank you for your comments.

[KathyLauren]

I can't say what is going to work for you.  I have been on HRT for 11 months, and full-time RLE for 8 months.  The difference between before and now is amazing - no comparison.

There are still things that make me dysphoric.  The need to wear a wig, for example, though it is not nearly as bad as the dysphoria I would get if I didn't wear one.  The need to tuck when wearing pants.  The long delay I face before I can get my birth certificate changed. 

That stuff sucks, but it all pales in comparison to the high I get from just being myself.  Not having to hide who I am is just the greatest feeling in the world.

If you are wondering whether HRT will be worth it, it certainly was for me.  I am calmer, with less mental static.  I am more relaxed in social settings, though I'm not sure how much of that is HRT and how much is just self-confidence.  The physical changes have been amazing, even though they are kind of under-stated.  I have breasts that, with a padded bra, give me a plausible figure.  Tucking is way easier.  And the changes in my face actually have me admiring myself in the mirror.

I am sure your therapist is helping you with this decision, but ultimately, it is yours to make.

[Kenzie4realz]

Are there times when any of you feel that your gender dysphoria is more intense than others? As I've stated in other posts I repressed my gender dysphoria for many years and came to terms with it in 2009. Now that the cat is out of the bag so to speak there are times when I feel more anxious about my male body than others.  If I were to wake up tomorrow with a healthy woman's body I would be quite pleased and beyond ecstatic. However, there are times when I get frustrated and question if subjecting my body and mind to HRT, laser hair removal, wearing a wig daily to cover my bald head and related elective surgeries  as well as the social challenges are worth it all at this stage of the game.  In other words "Should I just settle for living as a male?"  My therapist and several transgender friends have helped validate my feelings and suggest that they are quite "normal" and not unusual as it's natural for people to select the path of least resistance.  I'm scheduled to see an endocrinologist to be evaluated for HRT next month.  Do you think HRT will help me emotionally focus more on my decision to transition?  Any positive feedback and insight would be appreciated.  Thanks!

It will get better, the first 6 months will be tough... You'll question everything as you well know... It comes with the territory..

However in time you're body will  settle to this new found freedom and most; at least for me of my doubts and anxiousness will begin to melt away. Then you'll become more focused on getting your other pressing issues addressed... It does get better I promise... Welcome to the real you... Embrace every bit of you... Smile alot and own it. And remember to allow YOU plenty of time to adjust as well.

                                 Hang in there
                                    [emoji259][emoji175][emoji259]
                                      Kenzie

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[Kylo]

Probably quite normal to feel this way some of the time - we all know transition is a daunting process and most of us wish we never had to think about doing it like everyone else on the planet doesn't. I also think for MTF transsexuals, there's added stress, on the whole - less tolerance, more things that have to be done to achieve a feminine face, etc.

I wouldn't underestimate the effects HRT has on the mind. I was skeptical about it having any effect other than physical and I was wrong. Most people seem to say that HRT helps a lot, mentally and physically, though with estrogens the change is slower and less dramatic than with testosterones... but yeah, I think once you try HRT you might well find yourself feeling so much better that you'll want to stick to it for the mental benefits at the very least. Many anecdotes seem to suggest female-minded people suffer under the influence of testosterone, just as male-minded people do under estrogen. Changing that might well give you the convincing you need to continue, like it did for me. 

[Katie Ellen]

Hi Melissa,

I am at the same stage of my journey as you are. I have ups and downs quite often. It's quite frustrating at times, but I've been struggling with this my whole life. I think ultimately I'll have no choice if I want to be happy.
I look forward to hearing the replies from others farther along than us.

Raeanne

[Dani]

Are there times when any of you feel that your gender dysphoria is more intense than others?

We don't call our condition an emotional roller coaster for nothing! 

Seriously, the ups and downs can be intense and many of us find relief in support groups or with close personal friends.

At Susan's Place, we are here all the time, so you are never really alone.

[MelissaPink]

Thank you so much for all of your thoughtful and positive comments. I really do appreciate your insight. I have made up my mind to proceed with my transition and while I understand that we all respond differently to HRT  it's always nice to have others that have been down a similar path validate your feelings.  Thanks again!

Melissa

[Allison S]

That's so exciting! I could tell from your first post hrt is something you're considering seriously. I still think about my decision of starting. It's ongoing for sure

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