Done lurking...time to say hello

[Redlo]

This will be long as I am 55 and have alot of things to spill so sorry about that, you've been warned . Like many of you, I felt different at an early age. At age 12 i had figured it out, I wanted to be a girl!! In that era you weren't supposed to think such things much less say them. So I took that 12 year old girl and locked her in the deepest, darkest box in my mind that I could and started to "stop acting like a girl" and "be a man" like my parents told me to. As I got older so did she, and her cries to be released got louder. I learned that through drugs and drinking i could mute her voice enough to continue with life. Wrong answer as that cost me 2 marriages. I met my current wife of 15 years, a very conservative christian, and turned my life around. But without the mind altering crutches i used before, the now woman I had locked in prison so many years ago was banging on her cell door screaming to be let out. In a moment of weakness 6 weeks ago I told my wife the truth and her reaction was what I expected. " i would rather you kill yourself than do this to your family" was her reply. As I went to a church counselor, she googled and educated herself. Through many discussions, she learned it's not a sexual deviant thing as she (and most people) thought. It's who I am. But she is bi-polar and she can change from supportive to you need to fix this daily. Told the kids about what a transgender person is and that many people think they are freaks and evil and hate them. Then told them I am one. My 12yo  girl was her usual want to please others self and hugged me. My 14yo son said nothing. He later told my wife in private he was one of those people that thought it was evil, probably due to his upbringing in a very conservative church and hearing it preached against for so long. Btw, no longer attend there. So now I stand at a fork in the road of my life. I long to finish what I have left of my life the way I yearned to live it, as a woman. But destroy my wonderful family to have it? Can I be that selfish? Or do I take the other fork, put my " man mask" back on and make everyone else happy. Sorry to be so long winded but I needed to vent 43 years of pain and this seems like a safe place to do it. I love reading the stories of you wonderful ladies here. How you overcame and realized your dream. It's inspirational!!

[Jessica]

Hi Redlo 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's.  I'm Jessica and a late transitioner too.  I hope you can find balance with your family.  Susan's has helped me beyond measure.  I'll post some links to help you become acquainted with the site.  I'm happy your here!  Have fun and enjoy life here.

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[Devlyn]

Hi Redio, welcome to Susan's Place! I loves a good delurking story! I'm going to be honest, that wasn't long. Your path is similar to most of us here. Get busy making friends and I'll see you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Jailyn]

Redlo, well I am glad you are not on the sidelines just listening into us. You are in a hard spot that many on here find themselves. In for myself I was just separated at the time that I decided to let that little girl free. I was alone at first I explored things. Crossdressing helped but, not really I knew deep down it was more than that and always knew. Fast forward a few months. I decided to move because my family would try to convince me otherwise. I didn't want to hear it or that I was crazy and not thinking right. So moved and made my choice that I was transgender regardless of what happened and started my journey. I just say my kids who had no clue till I came. You will have to decide for yourself whether you are going to live for yourself which should help you love others deeper or live as others dictate you. It is very hard. I don't think you are being selfish to want yourself to be who you are gender dysphoria is a complicated beast. You can hold it back but, you need an outlet or to be out. Maybe your family can compromise? I now have come to realize there are many people on the fringes that as you stated I thought they were sinful or just confused. As I came out of my church I realized that all people are beautiful and have much to give many of us. You will have to determine what you value your happiness or as I am going to put it the happiness of society because that is who we are pleasing when we stay our current gender. This is regardless who is represented in that society. I understand though you need allies and those that support you. It is hard for most of us to transition with no support. This is my opinion only hope you have plenty of responses to help you along!!!! Good luck!!!!

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. With over 10 years of posts on this site, it's often easy for stuff to get buried pretty deep. Family can be difficult to deal with but many of our members have found ways to keep their family together. One of the good threads on this subject is How not to blow up your marriage that was written by the wife of a member who latter realize that both of them had gender issues.

[anne_indy]

Hi Redlo - welcome to Susan's. Like you, I lurked here for a very long time, and also come from a "conservative Christian" background.  Relationship is very important to me, and thus, the impact my transgenderedness may have on my family is of deep concern. At least for you the issue is on the table. Because of where I live I have not yet been open with my family. Should it become known that I am transgendered I would lose my job and we would be booted out of the country. That is also why I only post here occasionally - when traveling in either Europe or North America .

In dealing with this issue it is key that you find a therapist who understands both gender and Christian issues. "The church" is a conservative organization by nature and changes slowly. I don't believe that church always necessarily reflects God's view of things, but that's part of our human dilemma. You and your wife might find a book by Mark Yarhouse helpful. It's title is: Understanding Gender Dysphoria: Navigating Transgender Issues in a Changing Culture. While some here will find the perspective too conservative, it does indicate that there is movement within conservative Christianity. You might also look up a blog by Paula Stone Williams, a woman who was a leader in a major conservative Christian denomination, and now speaks nationally regarding transgender/church issues.

The ability to address transgender issues through physical transition only became a reality post WW2 after advances in both pharmaceutical and surgical techniques. We not only face personal issues, but we are part of a massive sociological experiment. Although we may want to simplify things, we are pioneers settling previously under-explored social territory.

Brook


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[HappyMoni]

 Hi Redlo, I am glad you are talking to us. It is unfortunate that your partner outed you without your permission. It is something that would have been better coming from you or both of you. If your son doesn't understand the facts then yes unfortunately he will not be as open to you. You have nothing to be ashamed of for being transgender. If the church teaches that trans people are deviant or evil, maybe it is time to upgrade churches. There are some very supportive churches out there. You know maybe this isn't as either/ or as you make it out to be. A discussion with them and maybe with a gender therapist might help make it possible to be yourself and keep your family.
My name is Moni. I am so happy to meet you.

[Megan.]

Welcome Redlo.

I'm a 40 y/o mtf in the UK, I've been living full-time as a woman for 8 months now.

I didn't have religious considerations, but I was married with two young children when my compartment lid opened and Megan came out [emoji4]

In my case, my marriage didn't survive (though many do). My children are still learning to accept that 'daddy is now a girl',  but I'm hopefully for the long term. The younger generations are part of a more accepting world.

What you do is a personal decision for you, and how you can best achieve a happiness and comfort with your life.

All the best and see you round.

Megan. X

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[tgirlamg]

Redio!

Welcome aboard sister!... I'm so glad you have joined us here... Most of us are very familiar with the fork in the road where you find yourself now.... I too, was past the half century mark when what I had always known was inside demanded my full attention... A lifetime of hiding needed to end for me and the process of showing my true self to the world has been the most amazing experience of my many years!

I look forward to getting to know you better as you explore the many roads available to you in this life... It is never to late to navigate to where you need to be when you find that the road you are on is not right one...

I offer a few thoughts to you here that relate to a large part of the processing of all this...

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230730.0.html

Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

[DawnOday]

Here is a religious website I have found particularly presient. https://www.lgbtran.org/index.aspx

Glad you chose to stop being a voyeur and jump in the pool. We have so much in common and I for one did not know. I added the reference because you said your wife and family are religious.
Mission Statement
The Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Religious Archives Network (LGBT-RAN) coordinates and supports the identification, collection and preservation of personal papers and organizational records from lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender religious movements. To encourage scholarly research and historical study of these important movements for social change, LGBT-RAN disseminates information about these records and provides and facilitates access to them, using digital technology when possible.

Hope it helps.

[linda troung vu]

 Hi there all you lovely and hot sexy girls. Lol.😆 💖 💋 im linda  i Living in sydney australia I'm 47 married and have 2 kid's lol.😆 💋 I've been dressing up as a female since I was about 6 or 7 wearing my sisters clothes. I've been trying live a double life since I got married when I was 25 my wife knows that I love to wear silky knickers on full time  I also paint my toe nails full time. 😆I just wanted to say hello to everyone here and I've been a little bit shy of joining you girls. 😀I've always wanted to be a female full time .hate being a man every day but that's life. so thanks again for letting me join this awesome site where I can get plenty of information on being a female. 😆 xoxo

[V M]

Hi Redlo 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Morticia]

While it is hard to come out as trans at any point in life I do feel it's harder the more concrete things you have in your life such as marriage and kids. I myself am married and it has been a hard fought rode to even be able to talk about it. There is no easy way forward and sometimes it doesn't get better, for me we had our first big fight one year ago and I buried it down and now we're right back in it. Things are different now but the hurt filled emotions are strong on both sides.

It's very easy to let emotions get the better of you. You haven't truly been yourself for decades. That is hell, isolation changes the soul but unless you've lived it nobody will ever really understand that pain. At some point you do have to stand up for yourself because only you know what you've gone through.

My issue wasn't that I wasn't understanding with my wife or being patient with her, it was that I didn't show her how empty, frustrated, and alone I felt. That gave her new perspective on it which is important because otherwise all your partner is likely to see is their own pain. You can't expect much from your wife or kids they are their own people with their own ideas but that's when you have to love yourself. When it's you against the world you have to be strong for yourself. 

[Redlo]

What a warm, wonderful welcome!!! Thank you all. Btw, my wife didn't out me. We told the kids together. I will look up and read all the things suggested above. Sometimes I find the power of words amazing, or in this case a single word. Ashley, I teared up and my heart melted when you called me sister. I have never felt so accepted as myself before. Words just aren't enough to express how deeply that meant to me. Thank you so very much!!! I look forward to getting to know you all better
~Patty

[tgirlamg]

What a warm, wonderful welcome!!! Thank you all. Btw, my wife didn't out me. We told the kids together. I will look up and read all the things suggested above. Sometimes I find the power of words amazing, or in this case a single word. Ashley, I teared up and my heart melted when you called me sister. I have never felt so accepted as myself before. Words just aren't enough to express how deeply that meant to me. Thank you so very much!!! I look forward to getting to know you all better
~Patty

Patty!!! 😀!!!!

I'm glad the power of words is not lost on you dear sister!!!... There is a word I want you to hold in your heart.... Hope! .... I have a feeling there will be more than a few tears for you in the days, weeks and months ahead ...For you will witness  blossoming in your life no matter what path you choose at this fork in the road and tears are the only fitting testament to the glory of that!

You have all of us here to help you through the challenges and celebrate the victories!...Happy New Year!!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉😀

Onward we go brave girl...

Ashley 😀🌻❤️

[Laurie]

Hi Patti,

  I'm Laurie. Some of your story I know well. I totally understand the hiding and guilt and shame of wishing I was a girl. I started life about 10 years before you so by the time you were hiding that girl away I was adding self hate with a side of pervert and deviate to the sure knowledge that what I was doing (cross dressing) was not only wrong but because I was mentally ill. I lived my life knowing these things and feelings for more than 50 years. I got through those years by cross dressing when I could, abusing drugs, and becoming an alcoholic. I managed to achieve my boyhood dreams of a good job, a wife and two kids, a home, and later grand kids. I managed to ruin and lose all those by 1994. in 1995 I found myself sitting in a forest with a shotgun barrel in my mouth.
  I reconnected with my daughter in 1996 and gave her away to her husband a few years later. I worked hard to restore our relationship and make up for her bad childhood for the next 21 years. I thought things were going well until I came out to her and her husband last August I think it was. It was then that I lost her again and with her my five grand kids. Now I life  as a woman full time and question my decisions while taking pills to help keep me from killing myself.
  Yes, Patti we do risk losing family and friends to become who we believe we should be. My story is more of my nightmare but It is not everyone's story and it sure doesn't have to be yours. There are many here that have better outcomes than I have. I have had happy times too since making my decision to transition. I have made one awesome trip and have made many awesome friends here at Susan's and in real life. There are some amazing sisters and brothers here. They help me stay alive.
  I welcome you to our community and I hope this is a start of an awesome journey of discovery and joy for you. The road isn't going to be easy but it has to be worth finding ourselves along the way. Watch out for the pitfalls. It can be the end of us if we don't. You are not alone here Patti, not alone at all.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[HappyMoni]

What a warm, wonderful welcome!!! Thank you all. Btw, my wife didn't out me. We told the kids together. I will look up and read all the things suggested above. Sometimes I find the power of words amazing, or in this case a single word. Ashley, I teared up and my heart melted when you called me sister. I have never felt so accepted as myself before. Words just aren't enough to express how deeply that meant to me. Thank you so very much!!! I look forward to getting to know you all better
~Patty

Patty,
   It is nice to have your name. I misunderstood about who told your kids, sorry. Your kids ages can be kind of difficult for something like this. It will take a lot of love, patience, and communication on your part. Initial reactions don't always stay the same. My kids   were grown when I told them, so I didn't have your situation exactly. My oldest took a while to process things. He wanted to be supportive, but silently struggled a bit. After some time we talked it out and he came to be at a good place with the new reality. In fact, he carried guilt for not instantly being okay with me. It took me a lot of time to figure it out, so I was not surprised my son took some time. Everyone is different and your son might need some time too. It might help if he could talk to a therapist with experience with gender issues.
   That Ashley has a way of making us ladies feel good doesn't she? 
Moni