Not coping with the trans feelings

[jamie-lee]

Hello,

it's been some time since I last posted. I asked some people for help already, but I don't seem to get anywhere. Namely, I keep on having anxiety (?) at the point of my gender.

The background is: I'm FAAB, I came out as transgender (male) to my family and friends last year, I'm not sure what I like lately... yeah, lately I like sport mostly, but I'm into all kinds of things as a hobby, I'm a science major in college, and basically there are almost only guys in the subject I study, growing up I had a major problem relating to other girls... I'm not into the physical transition... I think. So this is the backgroud. I'm happy I came out and opened up about my experiences, this was one of the best decisions in my life. I wear men's clothes, mostly. I'm bisexual. I used to experience a dissonance of sorts, and it vanished as I came out, that somehow made me more coherent - how others see me, how I see myself, how I experience myself. In this whole process my behaviour somehow adjusted, so that things are easier. And... this is not a problem any more.

However, I still have a problem - I think - with expressing myself. I find myself wondering about a partial transition, but for FtM it's not available. It's, either you take the hormones or you don't. After all of this, I'm unsure who I am, as dyspohia(?) is gone, but let's leave that alone, because for one it doesn't really matter, for two, I wouldn't have reached this place without the whole coming out process. I'm sure. Nevermind. I hope I'm not being too chaotic. I still have a problem with on one hand wanting to somehow express my gender to the world, because I pass for a tomboy at best, and on the other hand I have reasonable kind of doubts, like, does being even extremely masculine make me a man? Do you get what I mean? this is the anxiety. I'm somehow not coping with my gender feelings. The gender therapist doesn't know what to do with me either. I asked everyone. I don't have an idea myself.

Do you have ideas?
Thanks in advance.

[KathyLauren]

If I am understanding you correctly, you are mostly okay with presenting as a tomboy, and that had dealt successfully with your dysphoria, but you want something more.  It is not clear what it is you want, and it sounds like perhaps you are not clear on that yourself.

The issue seems to centre around the question "Am I (i.e. you) a man?"  What makes you a man is ... you.  You get to decide!  If you would be more comfortable telling the world that you are a man, then you should talk to your therapist about what is the best way to make it so.  Hormones will certainly make your male image more convincing, if that is what you want.

Doubts?  Yes, we all get them.  I don't know what is the best way to get through them, other than to concentrate on what it is that you want, and what are the consequences if you do or don't go through with it.

[Jessica]

Hi Jamie-lee, I'm not sure if there is an actual "this is how guys feel".  I'm mtf but have had similar questions regarding how does it feel to be female.  I think we are just individuals that society has forced us into norms of our birth gender.  We are just who we are.  I'm searching to learn the norms that society have dictated to females, and adopt my life pattern based off of that.

Good luck, Jessica

[jamie-lee]

My laptop switched off and that ate my second post...

I'm sorry for being messy. I talked with so many people already that I forget what I told whom.

Anyway. I think I have trouble being serious about me being a man, I know very well I have the vee jay. It has impacted me in a number of ways and still does.Despite all the ways in which it has not... I think what I find appealing about a partial transition is being able to say "Look, I transitioned, I'm not a girl any more, I'm a dude", however, I'm not convinced when I think about the hormones. It would be a totally different story if I was born with a penis, I believe I would never question my gender then. How I would solve that, I would crossdress and I wouldn't be dead serious and dead set about it. Like... I'm a guy, but we all know and understand I'm transgender and what it means. Crossdress... if this is possible to crossdress more than I do. I would need to outwardly say I'm a guy, I think. That would be more crossdressing. Because I'm open about not feeling female .

Thank you for your replies KathyLauren and Jessica! This was quick.

The norms are funny, aren't they? This is a massively strange experience to see both sides of that. I think I managed to forget by now how it was before I came out, but like through fog, I remember I also did that.

If I am understanding you correctly, you are mostly okay with presenting as a tomboy, and that had dealt successfully with your dysphoria, but you want something more.  It is not clear what it is you want, and it sounds like perhaps you are not clear on that yourself.

Essentially yes.

The issue seems to centre around the question "Am I (i.e. you) a man?"  What makes you a man is ... you.  You get to decide!  If you would be more comfortable telling the world that you are a man, then you should talk to your therapist about what is the best way to make it so.  Hormones will certainly make your male image more convincing, if that is what you want.

This is a good point. A very good one. I'm probably trying to make it too... impersonal? While this is completely personal, and I'm trying to approach it objectively, when this is a feeling. That's true, this is only about my subjective experience. 

Wow. Really. Sometimes it just takes a person who can look from the outside...

Only fools don't doubt

Thanks, I think it makes sense now 

[Dena]

This is one of those questions my therapist would ask the group to respond to - What is masculine and what is feminine? You could ask every member of the group the same question and their answer might be different. You see this in the CIS populations where someone might consider a battle hardened soldier to be the definition of masculine where as somebody else might consider a family responsible father to be the definition of masculine.

Members might post their definition of masculine in this thread but I suspect you would learn little from it as what is important to you would be different. The best approach for this is for you to write on paper the type of person you wish to become and then become that person. Never try to become something you aren't or something that somebody else wants you  to become. You have already attempted this for years and it didn't bring you happiness.

[jamie-lee]

This is one of those questions my therapist would ask the group to respond to - What is masculine and what is feminine? You could ask every member of the group the same question and their answer might be different. You see this in the CIS populations where someone might consider a battle hardened soldier to be the definition of masculine where as somebody else might consider a family responsible father to be the definition of masculine.

Members might post their definition of masculine in this thread but I suspect you would learn little from it as what is important to you would be different. The best approach for this is for you to write on paper the type of person you wish to become and then become that person. Never try to become something you aren't or something that somebody else wants you  to become. You have already attempted this for years and it didn't bring you happiness.

Funnily enough, I identify as masculine, but I don't really know what it means. For me it means that I identify with men more then women. Because culturally speaking, I find the gender roles rather arbitrary... or well... I'm a painfully stereotypically masculine person. Just except for the gender presentation part. I have what I call warrior energy - that is typically associated with men. Now you have the right to not believe me that I'm trans and this is alright. In my teens I discovered that I was unlike other girls, or that there weren't girls like me. It comes down to how I think, feel, behave. By some strange coincidence, whatever I did or thought, it was like a boy. This led to the incoherence situation, because people started to assume things about me that weren't true, and my "shell" and I began to be two separate beings. This is where this all stemmed from. This is the story in a nutshell. So I think that masculinity is reassembling a man, and femininity is reassembling a woman. This is all there is to it. Reassemblence. I know there are people in the exact same situation as me who don't identify as transgender, but they are them and I am myself For me, this situation makes me feel like a man.

Of course hormones are a whole another story. I think they are attractive to me because it would be a way to tell the world who I am, but I think I can do without, provided that I find another way express my feelings. I don't want to sound as if I was jumping into hormones. I'm not jumping into them and I'll think at least twice before doing something so irreversible. It's just strange to me that this thought keeps popping up in my head, when earlier it did only rarely and for completely different reasons.

I think I need to think... and be totally selfish and subjective for a moment.

[Sephirah]

I think I need to think... and be totally selfish and subjective for a moment.

Sweetie that's what it's all about. It is the self. It's your self. It's not who other people tell you you are. It's how you feel you are. Being transgender is based upon us being in touch with, and understanding our selves. And we are the only ones who can do it. So in that regard, it is selfish. And that isn't a bad thing.

Funnily enough, I was talking to a guy just the other day, while trying to explain how I felt about myself, and I asked him "Suppose you didn't have a body. Suppose you were floating somewhere, disembodied, in a void. What would make you a guy?"

He didn't answer for a long time. And then he just said "I would just know."

To which I asked... "And you wouldn't question that? Without your body, your genitalia, your interaction with the world... you wouldn't question that at all?"

And he said "No. I would just know. It's just one of those things you just feel, you know?"

And really, I think he was right. There are hundreds of different things we can, and do, use in trying to make sense of who we are. Things that we use to try and validate who we are. Who we say we are. I am like this because I do X, Y or Z. Because I act in a certain way. I think in a certain way. I treat people in a certain way. But spend time with any number of people and you start to see that such things cross over. You have masculine women, feminine men, and people for whom things blend together in a myriad different ways.

I am more of the belief that these are manifestations of one core thing. They don't define something, they are defined by something. And I believe that if you can understand and accept that, then you can embrace everything else. You can be finally free to be yourself. That something is a sense of self. A core belief in who someone is. Without needing to justify it.

I wish I could tell you how to get that, sweetie. I really do. It's something a lot of us spend years, or a lifetime trying to find. All I can say is listen to how you feel when you tell yourself you are who you are. Listen to how that sounds to you. And go from there. *hugs*

[widdershins]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if I'm understanding you correctly, it sounds like you're experiencing social but not physical dysphoria. This is totally possible and not all that uncommon.

Unfortunately, like you said, your options are kind of limited. Society as a whole makes assumptions about our gender based on our physical features, and that's not going to change soon. For some, social dysphoria is a compelling enough reason to undergo medical transition, because the world constantly not seeing you as the correct gender is a huge burden on your mental health. But only you can decide if it's worth it for you or if you would even want to live with all the effects.

[jamie-lee]

Correct me if I'm wrong, but if I'm understanding you correctly, it sounds like you're experiencing social but not physical dysphoria. This is totally possible and not all that uncommon.

Yes. However, more in a general, not specific sense. It's not specific things that I dislike.

I think I managed most of the dysphoria by coming out. I no longer feel the friction when interacting with others. However, something remains, and I would call this a want of self expression. Meh, maybe I should just open up more? It's just a shame that some people are transphobic and say it's mental illness.    I would like to make fuss, ha ha. No, really. I'm not a fuss person in general, this is why it feel so strange, but I think I just want the fuss

Sephirah, you're right. In a sense, we just know it like we just see things. I don't have to justify that a door is a door. I just see door.

It just came to my mind that maybe I'm still "not there" and need some more time. Maybe this is not friction per say, but maybe I'm still not myself, because... time and experience. Maybe I don't feel like myself completely. Taking a look back, I'm much braver with some things than I used to, and it just takes getting used to.