How I'm doing.

[Monica]

Hey Ladies,

HRT is going pretty well. I'm a little under two weeks in, I think. I've had a lot of breast growth, but mostly under my arms. I don't have man chest anymore, but I still have manly shoulders. My face has bounced back to about the place it was when I was 25 (except my lips are fuller now). My face isn't bloated and sick looking like it was before. People react differently to me when I'm my natural face. It's probably going to change again, but I'm good with it.

My penis is a little smaller than it was. And it works differently. It still works. The way my testicals hang has changed. They don't dangle anymore, sitting a lot higher than they used to. Everywhere I go, people tell me that your sex drive goes away when you're on HRT, but I've experienced the opposite. I'm horny all the time, I can be aroused by anything at any moment. Orgasms feel different. I'm not 100% sure how my body works anymore, but it's an adventure, so we'll figure it out.

I'm decidedly a day person now. My internal alarm clock is hard set to 5am no matter how late I stay up. On the upside, I don't think I need as much sleep as I did, and I'm not sleeping for the whole day on saturdays anymore.

I got my ears pierced yesterday. It really does feel great.

The only real weirdness since I've started HRT is monster salt cravings. I half wonder if I'm transitioning into a deer. What's interesting, is that I hate salt. Never liked it. Avoided it in food for years. Now it's my favorite thing in the world. I'm still losing weight, but at a rate a lot closer to what people generally consider normal.

I feel better. The world feels like a different place. I'm really starting to come out of my shell. Maybe I'm a little moodier than usual, but I've always been sort of moody, so I'm not sure if this is a result of HRT or not.

I had this talk with HR at work. I was trying to get a pulse on the company. I was worried that my manager would figure out a reason to get rid of me, when I started showing up with breasts. I've had breasts since about January, but they really show through now. Much perkier. And hiding this whole thing is something that was becoming more difficult to do. I'm also not at odds with it emotionally anymore. So it makes sense to be more honest, and come out, which I was planning to do.

But, seeing as how I was a contractor, not an employee... my boss felt like he had to find out what I was telling HR about. He's building a frat house at the company, and he was worried that I might be getting him in trouble for being the unsavory character that he is. He spent a week trying to coerce and intimidate it out of me, and it didn't work. Finally, he had the lower level manager that I work for directly corner me in a conference room with a totally fake unscheduled review. My options were to out myself or get fired. So I outed myself. It was more than awkward. Now I'm not going back. I refuse to work for any company that allows management to violate hipaa like this. I'm not worried about it. I kinda want to go home and see my wife again anyway. I miss her. And this place in new england I'm at is a weird, surprisingly conservative town.

I think I've come up with a novel solution to avoid this kind of thing in the future. Rather than try to hide it, which exploded in my hands, I'm just going to do the video interview next time in a dress and full makeup. If they don't hire me, they don't hire me, and it's probably better that way. Besides, makeup is magical. I don't know how well I might pass yet, but I don't think passing is the important thing here. It's me being more honest. None of this would have happened if I wasn't lying to people about who I am.

Now I just need to invest in a good wig until my hair grows out.

So feeling pretty good.

Talk to ya later.

[Maid Marion]

Sorry to hear you had to go through that.

Connecticut is a lot more progressive.  Not only does it have gender equality laws, but the state business association has been providing employee seminars on how to avoid gender discrimination in the workplace.  Gays have been out for decades.  As in the couples bringing their children to company sponsored gatherings.
https://portal.ct.gov/DCF/SHP/CTLaws

[AoifeB]

If you're on spiro, it can mess with salt levels. I have the same cravings, just learned why the other day.

I agree on the libido, mine crashed for a week early on, then went back to the original level but different.

[Monica]

Sorry to hear you had to go through that.

Connecticut is a lot more progressive.  Not only does it have gender equality laws, but the state business association has been providing employee seminars on how to avoid gender discrimination in the workplace.  Gays have been out for decades.  As in the couples bringing their children to company sponsored gatherings.
https://portal.ct.gov/DCF/SHP/CTLaws

The people out here, in Manchester, they usually mean well, but they don't seem to have a lot of experience or empathy for people who are going through this. It's not just this workplace, it's the whole town. With very few exceptions, people out here really like their outmoded gender identities. But the way I figure it, it's good to know that. The best way to change hearts and minds is by being a ray of sunshine. Giving people a reason to say, "Hey, that person is awesome!" And I'm good at that. 

If you're on spiro, it can mess with salt levels. I have the same cravings, just learned why the other day.

I agree on the libido, mine crashed for a week early on, then went back to the original level but different.

Yep. On spiro.

I was having these hilarious arguments with myself. Mind would chime in randomly. "You're hungry." and I would say, usually out loud, "No, I'm good thanks," and it would go on like that. I was at the wendy's drive through a couple days ago, and extra salty cheese fries sounded like the best thing in the entire world. So I ordered some, and damn, it was heaven. Never in history, was there a more perfect food. Now I'm stocked up on chips, pretzels, jerky, all sorts of stuff. My brain hasn't nagged at me since.

[AoifeB]

I was at the wendy's drive through a couple days ago, and extra salty cheese fries sounded like the best thing in the entire world. So I ordered some, and damn, it was heaven. Never in history, was there a more perfect food. Now I'm stocked up on chips, pretzels, jerky, all sorts of stuff. My brain hasn't nagged at me since.

Now I'm hungry

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Monica and congratulations on starting HRT earlier in February. It really is a rollercoaster ride!

I am glad you are feeling great and that you require less sleep which is as expected as HRT provides peace and a clear mind and removes some of the negative thoughts of GD.

I am sorry to read of the loss of your job and the circumstances surrounding it.

I wish you every success and happiness on your transition journey.

Hugs

Pamela

[Monica]

It's okay. I'm still a five percenter. Jobs are easy. There'll be another one. And now I get a nice tidy little vacation. It all works out.

[Sophiaprincess2019]

I totally relate to less sleep. Last night I slept 5.5 hours and woke up refreshed and alert! I'm getting used to feeling good, but, since it's been soooo long since I've felt great I still can't believe how terrific I feel. This is going to be a heck of a ride! " All aboard "

Sophia

[Monica]

Update: Now I've done it. I've come out to everyone in my family that matters. My mother was the last person I talked to about this. I was dreading it. She was worried because I was upset about some other things that have been over for years, and she thought that I might be suicidal. I'm not. I'm actually okay.

Telling her I was transgender at the bottom of the email, she said, was a relief. Now, my mother is still crazy. There's no doubt about that. But I guess she's softened on this? Don't know. It's very confusing, and like dad, I'm not 100% sure she really gets it, but I feel better. In any case, I did my part there.

I've also come out to my entire circle of close friends, and started a new profile on facebook. The best reaction I got was from and old friend of mine from seattle. She said, "Yeah, so?" It was great. I'm blessed that I keep such awesome people around me. Everybody in their mother wants to sell me f'ing supplements, though. Ah well. Taking it slow, but getting there.

On Friday, I'm going to start the drive back home, and face my wife. So far, she's been great. Really supportive, but I think this decision scares her a little. I miss her a lot. Part of it, maybe, is all this semi long term travelling I do for work. Might want to rethink that piece of it. But, being there, at least for a little while should make things easier. Getting some of this pent up sexual energy out will be nice too.

And on we go. 

[Northern Star Girl]

@Monica
Dear Monica:
Yes indeed, not having to hide your secret any longer and coming out to all of those in your circle of family, friends and coworkers is like a big heavy weight is lifted off of your shoulders.  You have done your part by revealing your "secret" ... now it is up to them to accept you or to at least live and let live.

You took a big and brave step in your transition journey... please continue to keep us all informed regarding your continued progress.
All of us here are your biggest fans and we are all rooting for your success.

Hugs and best wishes,
Danielle

[Rachel]

Congratulations on coming out.

My sex drive went through the roof when I first started HRT. Then E took over and my sex drive dove. I have found out 2 plus years post op how to regain my sex drive, lets just say it takes practice, lots of practice

[Maid Marion]

Congratulations on coming out to your family and friends!

[Monica]

Update:

If I'm remembering when I started this right, I'm about three weeks in on HRT. Still feeling great. I feel more centered, and whole. I don't think peaceful is quite the right word, but I feel worlds better than I did before I started this. I'm almost out of spiro. But I'm making a doctor's appointment in the morning.

The drive started off well enough. I got about three hundred miles from Manchester, and stopped in this weird little spot in northern pennsylvania. The bro-ness of this town, and the near complete lack of black people made me nervous.

Then, I started having problems with my back tires. The left one was down to 18psi, and wouldn't hold any more air. My paycheck was late, because of an approval issue at the client company. So it got delayed until monday.

Didn't have enough money in the account to buy more than a tank of fuel, and I didn't want to risk travelling on bad tires, so I camped out in the walmart parking lot for the weekend. It wasn't terrible. The town's actually pretty. And this parking lot was at the base of a mountain. The air smelled wonderful.

I spent the weekend trying to enjoy the area. But the people in this town really sucked. I'm don't present when I'm on the road, but I don't think I fit the mold for masculine in a place like this either. Everybody, everywhere I went looked at me sideways. Tried to cope by going into the beauty store and buying some nail polish, but the old lady behind the counter, literally ran to the back room and stayed there until I left.

There was a lot of little stuff like that.

Also: who needs 20 christian radio stations on the dial outside of klan country? This place felt like the deep south, but catholic.

But on the up side, the sushi was fantastic.

On Monday, the check cleared, and I went to get new tires and an oil change. On my way out, as I was paying for everything, the guy behind the counter gave me a speech about how cis white christian men are being persecuted by the evils of feminism and marriage equality. Seriously. But I was nice, and I kept my mouth shut. Even mentioned that I was being nice, and keeping my mouth shut, how ridiculous this town was.

I hauled out of there like a bat out of hell, letting my wife and some key family members know I was okay, and on my way home.

Drove like a person possessed, and didn't stop until I got to ohio. It was about 3am, and I was jonesing for salty goodness. I stocked up on jerky and potato chips, a sandwich, and some pork rinds. The trans person behind the counter was extremely nice, and seemed to think I was hilarious. Thank god, close enough to civilization, that there are decent normal people around. It actually made me feel better.

Drove straight through to Indiana, where I made a quick stop to visit and old friend. I had just come out to him a couple of days earlier, and he was incredibly polite. Although, he was the first person to use my new name in conversation, and hearing it the first couple of times, outside of my head was a little jarring. Not in a bad way though.

I pulled back into town last night. Saw my wife and daughter, and unpacked the truck. I think, seeing me, she feels a lot better about things, which is something I was concerned about. She's being amazing and supportive.

Earlier today, we went makeup and wig shopping. Had an amazing time. She got a couple wigs, I got a couple. The little asian lady at the wig store was awesome, and incredibly helpful.

I was a little worried about what intimacy would look like when I got here. Even, whether I still liked women. A big part of the reason I never liked to be involved with men, when I was younger was kissing. When I would kiss a man, the texture wasn't quite right to me. There was this feeling of sameness, and I know I didn't like it. In fact, as important as being able to sensually kiss someone is, it was a deal breaker for me.

So, I was afraid, that with some of the skin changes that have been happening over the last few weeks, that I might experience the same thing with her, now, at an incredibly inopportune time. And there was some of that, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. And she didn't seem to mind, even though she acknowledged it when I brought it up later.

I think her big concern was that my personality would completely change over night. And it has, a little. I'm happier and more with it than I've been in years. I really do feel centered and whole. So even though there have been some changes, it's nothing on the scale she was worried about.

We went for a little under three hours in the sack. This was the first time we've been together since I started the medications. But it was great! I just kept on going, one after another, after another. At about 2am, she went for a bathroom run, and I passed out happy. Honestly, I think I'm having fewer sexual problems now, than before I started on hrt.

And that's it. I made it home. Got to spend time with my beautiful wife, got laid, and now I'm feeling upbeat and cheery. Tomorrow, we're going to make a doctors appointment, work on hair removal, and presenting. My wife is the best and friend and partner I could possibly ask for. I can't relay with the appropriate words how blessed I feel to have her.