The resolution all trans people need to make.

[Julia1996]

Happy new year everyone. Every new year people make all kinds of resolutions. Weight loss, being more organized, etc. One new year resolution all trans people need to make is to stop settling for things. As transpeople we tend to settle for what we can get. Society tells us we are defective and we should take whatever we can get and be thankful for it. I don't think so!

The first issue is acceptance. So many of us settle for just not overly hostile treatment from CIS people. Family is the first issue. So many of us tolerate begrudging acceptance or even non acceptance from family. I've learned the hard way that keeping toxic family members in your life doesn't work. My mother is a very toxic person. I've tried many times to have a relationship with her. I felt like I had to just because she's my mother. But I have ended up cutting her out of my life. Being around toxic people is incredibly stressful and damaging. You're not obligated to keep people in your life who are toxic just because they are family. It took a while for me to learn that. I know it's easier to talk about cutting family out of our lives than actually doing it. Everyone wants love and acceptance from their family but if all they are getting is non acceptance and abuse from family members then why keep them in your life? I know cutting ties with family can be extremely painful but isn't it just as painful to endure their non acceptance? So why keep doing it?

Then there is the issue of a SO. This applies mostly to hetero transwomen because we have the most trouble finding guys who will accept us. Because of that many transwomen will settle for any guy who shows any interest in her. We will put up with treatment any CIS woman would never put up with because they feel like they should be grateful for any attention a guy gives them. Many transwomen settle for being a dirty secret. A guy wants kinky sex with a transwoman but doesn't want anyone to know he is hooking up with a trans girl. He doesn't ever take her anyplace because he doesn't want to be seen with her and deny any involvement with her should anyone suspect. Some trans women put up with it because they think that's the only kind of relationship they can get and should be grateful for any male inteterest they can get. WRONG! We don't deserve being treated like that anymore than any woman. I know people get lonely but is being treated like a freaky dirty secret any less painful than being lonely?

And some trans people are willing to accept people in general treating them without respect as long as they aren't too mean. Some CIS people have the attitude of : " you're a freak but I'll tolerate you and maybe even throw you a bone once in a while and use the correct gender marker with you". Screw that! If it's coworkers treating you like that report them. If it's a Dr, hairstylist, pharmacy, etc, then change it. We sometimes forget that those establishments work for us. If you aren't being treated with respect take your business somewhere else. Why give people who don't give you appropriate respect your business?

That's what I meant by settling. Way too often we are made to believe we are freaks and deviants and should be grateful we are allowed to exist at all. F that! We deserve to be respected as much as any person does and we deserve to be loved by someone who will be happy to be with us and proud to be seen with us.

Trans people are not freaks, deviants, crazy, sick or immoral. So don't let people treat you that way or make you feel that way. Don't settle for being treated without respect and dignity you deserve by anyone.

[Megan.]

I can only agree Julia. This has always been my stance and certainly won't be changing! X

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[Jessica_Rose]

Julia, I agree with you. What you suggest would not be easy for most people, but we are not most people. When we come out we take a gamble that could potentially cost us everything we hold dear, very few people have the courage to do this. I realize there are those who believe that coming out is simply an act of survival, which is true for some, but to me it is also an act of courage.

We are not defective. Maybe we exist to help others understand the world is not binary, or maybe to help them learn to accept people they don't understand. We are all humans, and we all deserve the same level of respect. We do need to stand up for ourselves. If we don't, who will?

[Maddie86]

very great points!! Last year I cut out a couple toxic friends from my life and it felt great! I'm not out to my family yet but I have a feeling I'm going to have to cut out my dad this year. I'm hoping for the best but I've had to cut him out before back when my parent got divorced, so I know I can do it but I'm really hoping that I won't have to, ugh.

as for the relationships, I've never been with anyone, and while I'm lonely I'm still ok and I don't think I'm going to settle for anyone who treats me bad!

[Kc1058]

Preach it sister! [emoji1380]
- Christyn


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[Julia1996]

very great points!! Last year I cut out a couple toxic friends from my life and it felt great! I'm not out to my family yet but I have a feeling I'm going to have to cut out my dad this year. I'm hoping for the best but I've had to cut him out before back when my parent got divorced, so I know I can do it but I'm really hoping that I won't have to, ugh.

as for the relationships, I've never been with anyone, and while I'm lonely I'm still ok and I don't think I'm going to settle for anyone who treats me bad!

Some guys can be real dicks. I am very lucky to have Tristan but there were a couple of ->-bleeped-<-s before him. One guy in particular. I told him I was trans and he said " oh. Well it might kind of interesting to try a trans girl. I would be willing to hookup with you"  I can't even print what I said to him here but his attitude was what I am talking about. Trans people aren't a kfc sampler to "try". And the "willing" part. Like he was going to be a big favor by hooking up with me! ->-bleeped-<-! But some guys think they're doing us a big favor by "trying" us. Get hosed!

[HappyMoni]

Julia, I love this post. Everything you wrote about was about us being affected by how others treat us. I would like to add that if other people shouldn't treat us with hate, disrespect, or nonacceptance, then we shouldn't allow us to do that to ourselves either. Sometimes that is even harder to get rid of, the self hate.
Moni

[Cassi]

Wow, very well thought out and written, I'm totally awestruck. 

[Gertrude]

From my point of view, having a non-accepting spouse is more problematic than finding someone that accepts us. In the digital age, there are tools for finding like people and others who accept us. Changing someone's heart is something that's very hard to do and maybe not right. The change has to come from them.


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[DawnOday]

Julia. Like I've said before. You are wise beyond your years. Happy New Year. Let's make 2018 a breakthrough year. Ignorance is bliss, they say. Let's educate 'em. You are a great roll  model for others. Even for old farts like me. Thank you.

[Rachel]

Julia, I 100% agree and will try to live up to that this year.

[Bari Jo]

Thanks for your post Julia.  These resolutions are things that I have struggled with every day and is why I still feel shame.  I'll add these to my resolution list, even if getting through one this year, I'll be better for it.

Bari Jo

[Nbj]

Thanks a lot for this strong message! This is so true from the core. And i feel as of you found the words for a mixture of anger and anxiety inside me, that i never had been able to name, now i can.

You know, til right now I've been visiting this place a long time, everytime considering registering and every time thinking "nahh.., too soon". But when i read your text, i just HAD to answer, and to do so, join here. Am already sure it was the best choice i could have started this year with.

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[Yakayla]

You go girl! This is a great post and may ever new years be even even better

[bobbisue]

     Julia wise and well written statement I have sent a final message to the last of my former siblings  a quote from MLK  "In the end,we will remember not the words of our enemies ,but the silence of our friends." this is to the one so called sister who claimed to be supportive but sat back while the other screwed me over and laughed about it. No more I am reconnecting with family who are supportive and cutting the rest loose

     bobbisue

[Allison S]

Guys might forget I was one too lol I try to think about empowring myself as a challenge.. I've had a guy or two leave my hotel room without getting sex. I know that sounds slutty but there are guys out there that want companionship as desperatley or more so than a trans girl.

Us trans folks are far more accomplished and goal driven than we even know. I thought I was focused and a hardworker before transitioning.. now I'm pretty sure I was wrong.

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[Christy Lee]

Great Post Julia resonated with me, as have what other members have said

Just because im trans doesnt mean im going to whore myself out every night, i think as someone who watches a plethora of TV shows/movies, this has a big part of what society thinks about us, its still show as like how people  would think about trans women from the 80s the mindset of that is still how TV sometimes looks at Trans woman, and that may have been how trans woman fit in with life back then, but now in 2018 we are more accepting of the L and the G and even the B so why not get more acceptance to do with the T part of LGBT, Trans woman shouldnt have to feel like i have felt most of my life

And yeah i sort of have already cut out alot of people in my life, which was more to do with depression but i dont really have alot of people in my life to tell right now which kind of feels good, i know 1 person will still love me no matter what, but the other person i dont really care what she thinks about it she is kind of toxic

im lonely and alone but most of the time thats ok i can deal with it, rather that then settle, i still want my knight in shining armor........

[HappyMoni]

Thanks a lot for this strong message! This is so true from the core. And i feel as of you found the words for a mixture of anger and anxiety inside me, that i never had been able to name, now i can.

You know, til right now I've been visiting this place a long time, everytime considering registering and every time thinking "nahh.., too soon". But when i read your text, i just HAD to answer, and to do so, join here. Am already sure it was the best choice i could have started this year with.

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Nbj,
   Welcome, glad you are here. We have been waiting for you (and a few other watchers) to join in. Looking forward to you sharing when you feel it.
Moni

[BT04]

Wish it was so cut and dry (most of the time it is), but what you've written is always a good reminder.

As they say... secure your own oxygen mask first. Otherwise you're no good to anybody, leas of all yourself.

[Lady Sarah]

The toxicity is why I kicked my adoptive family and my ex out of my life. Nobody needs anybody dragging them down.
My husband is learning that lesson with his family. We spent the weekend in El Paso visiting his sister and her family. The whole trip was a disaster. It wasn't because of me. It was because his family shows no love towards him.
Trans people are far from the only ones with family or relationship problems. But; from experience, we tend to get the brunt of it if we fail to recognize our own importance, and learn to love ourselves.