On further analysis, I think my dysphoria is worse than I thought

[jaybutterfly]

Let me start by saying I accept for now, transition may not be what I need. Ive recently found a partner who gets it, and is trying to teach me to be a good lover. She's bi and so it doesnt matter to her, and she sees me as a girl which is a big plus. We mix things up and have a great time, though I dont feel much and Ive yet to orgasm, but the emotional intimacy is lovely. I dont have much an opinion on my genitals, theyre just a reproductive organ thats their. I care about them to a point but Im not attached to them outside of the obvious physical attachment. Im healthy physically, my anxiety isnt terrible and Im pretty positive overall compared to the depression i have had in the past.

That said, Ive been thinking about my body and what I want to do and when, and things are dawning on me that I may need hormones sooner than I thought. I have decided to look into facial feminisation and Ive altered my exercise to lose my upper body mass. Ive dropped about 7 kilos since the new year from running on top of my diet and focusing on my ass and lower body, and Ive had great success with hair removal on my shoulders, back and arms, so Im going to try to get full body soon. While Im young and strong and healthy, Im coping ok, but then it dawned on me that I will one day grow old, my hair could well fall out and my body change to that of an older man.

The idea of growing more masculine (receeding hairline,balding etc) frankly, made me feel like I'd rather die than get to that age.

Im going to talk to my therapist about this I think when I have my next appointment. For now while Im young, slim and can crossdress and pass to a  degree Im ok, but aging freaks me out as I will get less and less passable with time

[VickyS]

I for one, totally get what you mean.

At 43 years old, I wished I had realised this about myself much earlier as I think we all do. BUT having said that, you won't be as young or sexy as you are right now.  I think the saying is 'the best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago, but the second best time is now" so I agree that time is of the essence but also don't rush into anything unless you are as sure as you can be.  That's why I'm fine with the waiting times for things and the years of GRADUAL change.

If I could flip a switch and become totally female instantly, of course I'd do it, but thinking about it, I like the idea of gradual change.  It's like puberty, you've got to get used to all the new bits and I think a complete change in seconds would have most of us reeling as it would be too much too soon and we all know how THAT usually ends!

I must admit, when I first started this journey I could never imagine having my male genitalia removed, then I was ambivalent about it and now I can totally see that in years to come I will more than likely want it all removed.

I think you need to say all this to your therapist and see what they say.  Ideally if the baldness issue bothers you then perhaps testosterone blockers would be good to start with to halt any potential hair loss.

Vicky xx