The cinema hurts now

[Megan.]

I was a big cinema goer. I would go on my own at least once a week (often more), and I did this for more than two decades.

In hindsight, it (along with others), was a coping mechanism I subconsciously developed over time to live with my GD. It was a place of mental escape, and (along with music) was the only time I could at least reach some kind of contact with my emotions.

Roll forward to now, the 'need' I had to escape to the cinema has gone entirely. When do I go, it is now with a friend to see selected films. I enjoy these as films but the experience now leaves me in a pretty rough state.
The heightened extremes of films that before were able to reach my closed off emotions now stimulate them too much,  I'm often left shaken up,  and it can be several hours for me to get back in balance again.

I'm curious if anyone else has experienced this or similar as a result of their transition?

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[CallMeKatie]

Sounds pretty normal to me.
I mean all these things you've held back either consciously or unconsciously over the many years are now all flooding out at once and movies really let you get them out.
Especially if you feel a part of the story.

[KathyLauren]

To be honest, I have always responded emotionally to movies.  At least now, I don't have to suppress it.  Emotional movies leave me feeling wrung out.

I usually stay and watch the closing credits.  Among the "in" crowd, that's considered classy and shows people that you respect the artists whose names are listed, etc., etc., blah, blah.  The real reason is so I can get my emotions under control again.

[Christy Lee]

I use to use Movies and gaming as a means of escapism, to not think about anything, Dysphora, Depression... etc

but i found like ultimately it wasnt enough, and discovered TV shows were a better means of escaping, getting completely lost in the world of a TV Show, not really having to think about anything except TV shows, and completely immersing yourself in it, i found peace in that for along time, i even sometimes relating to some female characters helped my dysphoria abit i guess idk, ie i use to always relate to Elena Gilbert, Caroline Forbes and Bonnie Bonnett from TVD so much it got me through not just rough dysphoria but also just rough times in general spending hours watching various different TV shows

I also find Gaming was a better means to escape dysphoria/life in general than movies were atleast as a kid, but these days i find myself gaming less and less since were are now in the golden age of TV shows

But now it feels like its hold me back in someways, like im just happy still living in the bubble world, cus i dont think about it

TBH these days Im not a big Cinema person, i do prefer watching movies at home away from crowds

[Kylo]

Are you on HRT? Would probably be something to do with that if you are.

Estrogen does something to the brain in the emotional response dept. It wires up the eyes and ears to your emotions more directly, or in a different way. If you've spent a lifetime under the influence of T and then replaced with E, it's going to feel like suddenly a wall of emotion can hit you when something like a sad movie or a beautiful song comes on and you are paying attention to the details of it. It's quite hard to control if something moves you. Very easy to be moved to tears. But it's normal on E.

If it's too much you'll have to learn to control it a bit, can be annoying when it hits you completely inappropriately - like in the middle of a situation it's just not welcome in (happened to me a few times and I have zero idea why, and I knew it meant everyone around me was put out by it). It's very possible to control under estrogen, just takes a bit of finding where your emotional triggers are or when they are about to happen. Kind of like the mental equivalent of stopping a sneeze before it can build up.

Obv I experience the opposite, it's now much easier to be detached from full on emotional responses. It doesn't mean I can't choose to let them happen or that I feel nothing, but I have the choice now which is preferable for me. I can feel as much as I like, which comes in useful.

[Megan.]

Are you on HRT? Would probably be something to do with that if you are.

Estrogen does something to the brain in the emotional response dept. It wires up the eyes and ears to your emotions more directly, or in a different way. If you've spent a lifetime under the influence of T and then replaced with E, it's going to feel like suddenly a wall of emotion can hit you when something like a sad movie or a beautiful song comes on and you are paying attention to the details of it. It's quite hard to control if something moves you. Very easy to be moved to tears. But it's normal on E.

If it's too much you'll have to learn to control it a bit, can be annoying when it hits you completely inappropriately - like in the middle of a situation it's just not welcome in (happened to me a few times and I have zero idea why, and I knew it meant everyone around me was put out by it). It's very possible to control under estrogen, just takes a bit of finding where your emotional triggers are or when they are about to happen. Kind of like the mental equivalent of stopping a sneeze before it can build up.

Obv I experience the opposite, it's now much easier to be detached from full on emotional responses. It doesn't mean I can't choose to let them happen or that I feel nothing, but I have the choice now which is preferable for me. I can feel as much as I like, which comes in useful.

Hey Kylo, yes I'm living full-time as a woman and I'm on HRT. I'm certain you are right, the combination of HRT and finally dropping those tough mental walls I built to act 'manly'.
I think more control will come over time, and I'm not worried about how I react, but it certainly makes me consider quite strongly if I want to see a new film. X

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[rmaddy]

Cinema, no.  Theater, yes. 

I recent cried through the last several scenes of Pericles, not exactly Shakespeare's most evocative work.

[CallMeKatie]

To be honest, I have always responded emotionally to movies.  At least now, I don't have to suppress it.  Emotional movies leave me feeling wrung out.

I usually stay and watch the closing credits.  Among the "in" crowd, that's considered classy and shows people that you respect the artists whose names are listed, etc., etc., blah, blah.  The real reason is so I can get my emotions under control again.

Oh gosh this is so me. But being a big bad guy who's not allowed to cry at things, I have to sit there and drag them back in.

[AnnMarie2017]

I was a big cinema goer. I would go on my own at least once a week (often more), and I did this for more than two decades.

In hindsight, it (along with others), was a coping mechanism I subconsciously developed over time to live with my GD. It was a place of mental escape, and (along with music) was the only time I could at least reach some kind of contact with my emotions.

Roll forward to now, the 'need' I had to escape to the cinema has gone entirely. When do I go, it is now with a friend to see selected films. I enjoy these as films but the experience now leaves me in a pretty rough state.
The heightened extremes of films that before were able to reach my closed off emotions now stimulate them too much,  I'm often left shaken up,  and it can be several hours for me to get back in balance again.

What a fascinating post.

I grew up in a movie-crazy household. I think films are like books; they are vehicles for discovering and expressing aspects of ourselves that elude us in real time.

Film is art; it has as much potential to stimulate personal transformation as a Picasso or Renoir. Art conveys meaning.

[Bari Jo]

My sister and I always got excited about the same movies.  I'm noticing for different reasons now.  I used to just like the action or amazing alternate world.  Now it's who's in this world.  If there is love, or sacrifice, it was a yawn, now I get choked up.  I don't hesitate to go to the movies though.  I do it up right, with my own arsenal of sugar and caffeine.  While in there I'm in such a sugar and caffeine high, and afterwards crash, but I look forward to next weeks film.

Maybe try and enjoy it like I do?  Darkened cinemas always bring out the naughty in me too, but that's a whole other life now:)

Bari Jo

[2.B.Dana]

For movies being a legal escape from overbearing manhood I would vote yes! I wasn't in a position to be at the theater weekly or cinema as you say in the UK but there are other sources. My wife learned early on in our marriage I was a sucker for romance films and was apt to cry. My oldest daughter was totally in to them and one of her favorite pastimes was watching movies with dad. She was looking for someone who liked Hallmark as much as I do. After coming out she is rethinking that I'm sure.

As my estrogen grew and my opportunity to express my emotions more freely at home since coming out I have desired the movies less. I have always been impacted by movies and would often rethink my way through many scenes the next day. That aspect is heightened now and more vivid.

[Myranda]

Since I have started if not since the start of last year, I have noticed that I find my self relating a lot more to what I see on screen, both big and small.  I'm not usre if it is the HRT, or my experience over the past year.  But on an emotional and psychological level I am much more aware.

[Kylo]

I'm too aware of other people near me in the cinema to ever get absolutely moved by a movie in one. If I feel some movie's trying to pull on those desiccated heart strings that also makes me aware I'm in a cinema watching a movie surrounded by strangers.

It's music that does it for me, I'm sure, and only when I'm alone. Certain pieces of music will just make all the little hairs stand up or just cause me to connect with a gigantic lake of pain or something under the surface. It's movies in music that does it for sure, for me. A movie without music is unlikely to get that emotional response. I remember seeing Koyaanisqatsi and for some reason just being totally wrecked by the end. It still screws me up every time. That's a movie with no dialogue, just imagery and live action sequences, and Philip Glass music.

I've no problem being moved by something, even if it happens to be supremely depressing. In fact I'd say moments of intense emotional feeling are the only point of life. I try to enjoy every experience, including pain, these days. There's a small and finite number of times I'm ever going to feel anything or cry after all before my existence ceases for ever. Enjoy as much as you can.     

[The Flying Lemur]

I have a hard time with movies that feature intense emotions.  They make me upset and anxious.  Maybe that's because I've lived my life with my brain steeped in E.  I've been on T for about 3 weeks now, and feel only subtle effects . . . maybe I'll soon be harder to trigger.  I would like that.