I think I've had a realisation

[Karlee]

Happy New Year all!

I hope you all spent it surrounded by friends and loved ones, and have started the new year off well. ❤️


I have been struggling with questioning my gender for such a long time now, and it has take such a toll on me emotionally and mentally. My confusion and struggles used to come in pounding waves - it'd last for a few months, go away completely, and then return again, but a little bit stronger and for a little while longer.

The last two years have been a little bit different. For the past 12 - 18 months, it has been constant and unrelenting; I can't concentrate, I am constantly distracted, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I crave crossdressing, I am so jealous of other women I see, I fantasize frequently about being a woman, my gender is the last thought before bed and the first when I wake up - I can't do anything without being distracted by the constant battle inside my head and heart - I can't escape it. It has consumed my life and caused me such exhaustion. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, and I have no motivation to do anything. I don't like the way I look and crave for a female physique; wider hips, breasts on my chest, no body hair. It's gotten to the point to where I only eat once a day in an attempt to lose weight and obtain a slim, female figure. I started drinking peppermint tea, because I read that it has feminizing effects on the male body. I've researched and attempted to obtain feminizing herbs, because I wanted to bring myself so peace in a chaotic existence, without actually confronting and meeting the issue head on.

The battle was constantly raging inside my head, yet I kept questioning how real it was. Is this just a phase? Can I trust myself? Why am I like this? Is this all real or is it a fetish? What did I do to deserve this? Why can't I just be a normal guy? I was always confused and scared, and could never believe myself. Little did I know that the answer was right in front of me, glaringly obvious. Staring back at my in the mirror each morning and night was a girl, struggling to cope and exist.

I don't know what it was, or how it happened, but something seems to have clicked inside my head. I was laying in my bed, dressed up and feeling feminine, spending some of the holiday season alone. As sad as it sounds, it was the happiest, calmest and most grounded I have felt in a long time.
I was watching YouTube videos on The Transition Channel and, for the first time in my life, it made sense. The videos spoke to me - they were saying things that I was experiencing; the denial, the waves of feelings, suppressing my thoughts and feelings, finding excuses not to transition or move forward, not believing what I was feeling. I was doing all of this, and more. It was a calming feeling, kind of reassuring, to know that these thoughts and feelings are valid. That they are real, and I can understand what they relate to.

I don't feel so much shame in crossdressing now, but more comfort, which has resulted in more uncomfort in changing back into male clothes. I feel so much more feminine and happy looking at myself in the mirror, dressed as Karlee, but so much more uncomfort and sadness looking at my male self. I am hopeful that I will make a pretty girl one day. I am hopeful that I will feel the weight lifted off me, the burden removed and filled with happiness and comfort. Most of all, I am hopefully that I can live my life without the constant pressures and distractions of wanting to be a girl, but being a boy.

There is such a long way to go, with so many challenges and hurdles. I know that the future is going to be extremely tough in the mean time. There are so many things standing in my way, and I'm not sure that I am strong enough or tough enough to take them on. I'm a scared girl in a big, bad, daunting world. I want to fix myself, but it is just so hard.

I don't know what the next step is for me, or how I am should proceed. I have spent so much time battling and hating myself for something that I didn't ask for. I want it all now, but I know that it doesn't work like that. I know that it is a long process, with many ups and downs, many good and bad times, many highs and lows. It is a tough road.

Perhaps, out of the 25 years I have been on this Earth, that 2018 is going to be my year. It has started off with a realization.

Karlee xo ❤️

[Lady Sarah]

Congratulations on your awakening!

If you have been around this site long enough, you probably know about seeing some kind of head shrinker in order to get permission to obtain hormone replacement therapy. After that, there may be surgeries to consider, and more head shrinker therapy to obtain permission for those. Oh, and either having the right type of health insurance, or saving tons of money.

That's if you want to transition. Some can be happy without transitioning. It's up to you to decide if you transition or not.

[LizK]

......

There is such a long way to go, with so many challenges and hurdles. I know that the future is going to be extremely tough in the mean time. There are so many things standing in my way, and I'm not sure that I am strong enough or tough enough to take them on. I'm a scared girl in a big, bad, daunting world. I want to fix myself, but it is just so hard.

I don't know what the next step is for me, or how I am should proceed. I have spent so much time battling and hating myself for something that I didn't ask for. I want it all now, but I know that it doesn't work like that. I know that it is a long process, with many ups and downs, many good and bad times, many highs and lows. It is a tough road.

Perhaps, out of the 25 years I have been on this Earth, that 2018 is going to be my year. It has started off with a realization.

Karlee xo ❤️

Hi Karlee

It hard when you are in that place of indecision and makes for some really tough times. You are right you will have some huge challenges along the way but it isn't without reward, otherwise there would be no point to doing any of it. Maybe start with some help from a therapist to try and get your thoughts sorted out. This part can be the hardest and most time consuming.

In the end one of the things that made the difference for me was to look back at my life and look at where being trans had made me choose a particular route through life, I considered how often I thought about being a woman over my life and it came back to, every day of my life in some way. Sometimes it was the only thing I could think about or topics related to it. Once I began to think about this I realised how much of my life had been spent "thinking about being a girl" .

There are lots of steps you can take if you want to transition without immediately going fulltime such as hair removal, voice coaching, practicing movement, posture, makeup, mannerisms, underdressing to name a few ...but as the saying goes when it comes to large challenges  "How do you eat an elephant....one bite at a time"

[jessica95]

Happy New Year all!

I hope you all spent it surrounded by friends and loved ones, and have started the new year off well. ❤️


I have been struggling with questioning my gender for such a long time now, and it has take such a toll on me emotionally and mentally. My confusion and struggles used to come in pounding waves - it'd last for a few months, go away completely, and then return again, but a little bit stronger and for a little while longer.

The last two years have been a little bit different. For the past 12 - 18 months, it has been constant and unrelenting; I can't concentrate, I am constantly distracted, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I crave crossdressing, I am so jealous of other women I see, I fantasize frequently about being a woman, my gender is the last thought before bed and the first when I wake up - I can't do anything without being distracted by the constant battle inside my head and heart - I can't escape it. It has consumed my life and caused me such exhaustion. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, and I have no motivation to do anything. I don't like the way I look and crave for a female physique; wider hips, breasts on my chest, no body hair. It's gotten to the point to where I only eat once a day in an attempt to lose weight and obtain a slim, female figure. I started drinking peppermint tea, because I read that it has feminizing effects on the male body. I've researched and attempted to obtain feminizing herbs, because I wanted to bring myself so peace in a chaotic existence, without actually confronting and meeting the issue head on.

The battle was constantly raging inside my head, yet I kept questioning how real it was. Is this just a phase? Can I trust myself? Why am I like this? Is this all real or is it a fetish? What did I do to deserve this? Why can't I just be a normal guy? I was always confused and scared, and could never believe myself. Little did I know that the answer was right in front of me, glaringly obvious. Staring back at my in the mirror each morning and night was a girl, struggling to cope and exist.

I don't know what it was, or how it happened, but something seems to have clicked inside my head. I was laying in my bed, dressed up and feeling feminine, spending some of the holiday season alone. As sad as it sounds, it was the happiest, calmest and most grounded I have felt in a long time.
I was watching YouTube videos on The Transition Channel and, for the first time in my life, it made sense. The videos spoke to me - they were saying things that I was experiencing; the denial, the waves of feelings, suppressing my thoughts and feelings, finding excuses not to transition or move forward, not believing what I was feeling. I was doing all of this, and more. It was a calming feeling, kind of reassuring, to know that these thoughts and feelings are valid. That they are real, and I can understand what they relate to.

I don't feel so much shame in crossdressing now, but more comfort, which has resulted in more uncomfort in changing back into male clothes. I feel so much more feminine and happy looking at myself in the mirror, dressed as Karlee, but so much more uncomfort and sadness looking at my male self. I am hopeful that I will make a pretty girl one day. I am hopeful that I will feel the weight lifted off me, the burden removed and filled with happiness and comfort. Most of all, I am hopefully that I can live my life without the constant pressures and distractions of wanting to be a girl, but being a boy.

There is such a long way to go, with so many challenges and hurdles. I know that the future is going to be extremely tough in the mean time. There are so many things standing in my way, and I'm not sure that I am strong enough or tough enough to take them on. I'm a scared girl in a big, bad, daunting world. I want to fix myself, but it is just so hard.

I don't know what the next step is for me, or how I am should proceed. I have spent so much time battling and hating myself for something that I didn't ask for. I want it all now, but I know that it doesn't work like that. I know that it is a long process, with many ups and downs, many good and bad times, many highs and lows. It is a tough road.

Perhaps, out of the 25 years I have been on this Earth, that 2018 is going to be my year. It has started off with a realization.

Karlee xo ❤️

By the way, good post i read. Very good. I read it. Keep it, up and dont give up. You can consider going to a therapist for even more help? The advices given by the ones here are perfect. Otherwise you can donate to this site, to make it exist even longer to help everyone,  i for example donated 11 dollars recentely (i know it isn't so much compared to how some donated ). Good to have you here.

[VickyS]

Hi Karlee,

Your story really touched my heart.  I am in pretty much the same place as you and it can be absolute hell.  Thank you so much for posting it as when I read it I felt like I wanted to cry as all those things you mentioned I am also doing (except the peppermint tea - have to try that!).  It's so wonderful to know that you are not alone and there seem to be many of us in the same boat.  It seems a very long, hard road to transition IF that is the road we ultimately go down.

Speaking personally, my next step is going to see my GP (doctor) and asking to be referred to a therapist who can then have a few sessions with me to see if I am actually transgender or if it's some other issue as you mention in your post.  I have been wondering the same as you, if it's a fetish but I don't think so as it's not sexual.  You can feel sexy but it's not a sexual thrill, more a calming effect.

I have also been doing research as to the cause of my mind/brain being more female than male and I have come to the conclusion that it seems to have been a lack of testosterone when I was in the womb during the stage where the brain gets 'masculinized'.  This makes sense for me as I have no stereotypical masculine desires (don't understand or like competitive sports), HUGE amounts of empathy, index finger longer than ring finger, etc, etc.  It helped me try to understand WHY this is happening to me but I came to the conclusion that this is not HAPPENING to me, it IS me and always has been.  It's just that I've had 43 years of masculine 'training' by my father and society.

Those episodes where the femininity seems to break through do seem to get more frequent and stronger, in fact this time for me it's the first time where I look down and my penis looks out of place.  Never experienced THAT before!

Sorry for going on but I do think we are in the same place and I hope you can get referred to a therapist to talk you through some things and help you realise who you actually are inside.

Two things I have read which have helped me are:
You are bound to have problems if your brain has been running on the wrong hormones for years
and:  If you were on a desert island and no-one would ever see you, would you want to be male or female?

Take care,

Vicky xx

[Shambles]

I just wanted to say hi and that your not alone. We are here for you

X

[Laurie]

 Hi Karlee,

  I'm Laurie, Welcome to Susan's place. Reading your story only made me think of myself. I had very similar thought and feelings. I cross dressed from a young age by secretly borrowing my sisters' things. I preferred playing with the girls. I  enjoyed crossdressing for many years and like you hated to take it off. when I did I suffered from shame and guilt because I knew how wrong it was for me to do the things I liked. I still struggle with that ingrained feeling of being perverted and sick for doing it. I grew up in different times and that was the prevailing attitude of the society then. I now know that what is wrong is not what I enjoyed doing but the feelings on guilt and shame that I felt. I waited 64 years before I discovered that I was transgender. That I was a transgender woman and a transsexual too. That was just over a year ago. I was on hrt about a month after that.
  Please don't try DIY HRT as it is dangerous. It could even lead to your death. So please see your doctor if that is what you want to do so they can monitor your health and prescribe your HRT. Like others have said a gender therapist can work with you to help you decide where you are and what you want to do from there. I see mine regularly and my gp who does prescribe my HRT for me and monitors my hormone levels along with all my other normal medications.
  I'm glad you found our site and hope you get the advice and support you need. In addition to that mundane stuff we are pretty friendly here too.

Hugs,
   Laurie

[Karlee]

Hi Girls!

Thank you all for your support - means a lot to know that there are people who will listen.


@Lady Sarah

Thank you. The awakening has been a long time coming. It's taken a long time to get here.
Truth be told, I have tried therapy in the past. I saw a psychologist for youth mental health. Unfortunately, she did not have any experience in trans issues, and was more focused on sorting through what she thought was adjustment issues and anxiety. I did not last long with that psychologist - it wasn't a very helpful experience, honestly. I have been doing my research and am aiming to see a better psychologist this year.



@ElizabethK

Thanks for reading Elizabeth. You are right - there is plenty of reason to take this journey. We only get one shot at living our lives, and it would be a waste to live it inauthentic. Thankfully, we're in a time where we can achieve this, and live a long and happy life.

When thinking back (to recent times, anyway), for me it's always about being a girl. I think I've kind of come to the realization that my appearance would change, but I'd still have the same morals and ethics. I would walk, talk and look different, but on the inside I am the same person. I can still do all the things I do now and still have all my past achievements, but be more at ease with myself. But it's baby steps, for now. My biggest challenge is talking about it. The words on paper in this forum were hard enough to write, let alone speaking to someone face-to-face.


@jessica95

Thanks for stopping by and reading my thoughts. I think my goal for this year is to see a therapist and talk through it. That's a big step for me. It's a leap of faith and it makes this all very real. I'll keep at it and do my best.


@VickyS

Aww thanks girl! I appreciate it.
It's nice to speak with someone who knows what it's like and is going through something similar. I hope you have much success and happiness this year. All the best with seeing your GP and getting therapy.

I like those two thoughts - they put a lot into perspective! Testosterone is the bane of my existence. Testosterone can turn anything sexual, and make you question it. That's where a lot of my confusion and discomfort has come from. My brain is overly sexualized and has associated this with my gender uncomfort. The more I go on, the less sexual it seems, and the more right it feels.

I know for certain that if there was nobody around to see me (like right now - alone at home) that I would be a girl. It feels so good and so right to be letting Karlee out and freeing her.


@Shambles

It is nice to meet hope. Thank you, and likewise to yourself. I wish you all the happiness for 2018 and onwards.



@Laurie

It's lovely to meet you Laurie.
I'm finding the more that I read and spend time here, the more I can see parts of my story in others. It helps me to feel justified and like I really do fit in here, and that this is not just me going crazy!

Shame and guilt, like you, has been a big sticking point for me. I used to feel terrible afterwards. That has started to subside as I've grown older and learnt more about myself.

I know I need to see my doctor and a therapist soon - I can't keep going on like this forever. I need to move forward and bring myself some peace. Thank you, Laurie.

[Sinead]

Happy New Year all!

I hope you all spent it surrounded by friends and loved ones, and have started the new year off well. ❤️


I have been struggling with questioning my gender for such a long time now, and it has take such a toll on me emotionally and mentally. My confusion and struggles used to come in pounding waves - it'd last for a few months, go away completely, and then return again, but a little bit stronger and for a little while longer.

The last two years have been a little bit different. For the past 12 - 18 months, it has been constant and unrelenting; I can't concentrate, I am constantly distracted, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I crave crossdressing, I am so jealous of other women I see, I fantasize frequently about being a woman, my gender is the last thought before bed and the first when I wake up - I can't do anything without being distracted by the constant battle inside my head and heart - I can't escape it. It has consumed my life and caused me such exhaustion. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, and I have no motivation to do anything. I don't like the way I look and crave for a female physique; wider hips, breasts on my chest, no body hair. It's gotten to the point to where I only eat once a day in an attempt to lose weight and obtain a slim, female figure. I started drinking peppermint tea, because I read that it has feminizing effects on the male body. I've researched and attempted to obtain feminizing herbs, because I wanted to bring myself so peace in a chaotic existence, without actually confronting and meeting the issue head on.

The battle was constantly raging inside my head, yet I kept questioning how real it was. Is this just a phase? Can I trust myself? Why am I like this? Is this all real or is it a fetish? What did I do to deserve this? Why can't I just be a normal guy? I was always confused and scared, and could never believe myself. Little did I know that the answer was right in front of me, glaringly obvious. Staring back at my in the mirror each morning and night was a girl, struggling to cope and exist.

I don't know what it was, or how it happened, but something seems to have clicked inside my head. I was laying in my bed, dressed up and feeling feminine, spending some of the holiday season alone. As sad as it sounds, it was the happiest, calmest and most grounded I have felt in a long time.
I was watching YouTube videos on The Transition Channel and, for the first time in my life, it made sense. The videos spoke to me - they were saying things that I was experiencing; the denial, the waves of feelings, suppressing my thoughts and feelings, finding excuses not to transition or move forward, not believing what I was feeling. I was doing all of this, and more. It was a calming feeling, kind of reassuring, to know that these thoughts and feelings are valid. That they are real, and I can understand what they relate to.

I don't feel so much shame in crossdressing now, but more comfort, which has resulted in more uncomfort in changing back into male clothes. I feel so much more feminine and happy looking at myself in the mirror, dressed as Karlee, but so much more uncomfort and sadness looking at my male self. I am hopeful that I will make a pretty girl one day. I am hopeful that I will feel the weight lifted off me, the burden removed and filled with happiness and comfort. Most of all, I am hopefully that I can live my life without the constant pressures and distractions of wanting to be a girl, but being a boy.

There is such a long way to go, with so many challenges and hurdles. I know that the future is going to be extremely tough in the mean time. There are so many things standing in my way, and I'm not sure that I am strong enough or tough enough to take them on. I'm a scared girl in a big, bad, daunting world. I want to fix myself, but it is just so hard.

I don't know what the next step is for me, or how I am should proceed. I have spent so much time battling and hating myself for something that I didn't ask for. I want it all now, but I know that it doesn't work like that. I know that it is a long process, with many ups and downs, many good and bad times, many highs and lows. It is a tough road.

Perhaps, out of the 25 years I have been on this Earth, that 2018 is going to be my year. It has started off with a realization.

Karlee xo ❤️

I can relate so much to your post (I started feeling this way 3 months ago). Especially about the pounding waves, over most of Christmas and New Year, I was ok with being male - I thought I got over the coming and going of my transgender thoughts, but clearly not - recently I'm back to feeling not ok being male and dying to be female again - in my head I am female, I know that for sure.

I find I am calmer and comfortable in women's clothing, I always wear a bra when I can, I hate taking my women's clothing off, I feel really guilty for some reason. I know that wearing the clothes isn't enough, I have a deep desire to be a woman and to be identified as one.

I hope that 2018 will be my year too, I've already booked a consultant for laser therapy, purchased more women's clothing and started buying hair removal cream, unfortunately due to the nature of the waves of transgender feelings, I know I need to be patient before making any irreversible changes to my body.

Thank you so much for sharing, I feel like I've been going crazy feeling this way about my gender, kept trying to make excuses for feeling this way/convince myself that it's 'just a phase'. It's so reassuring to know there's someone else who feels similar to me. By the way, your profile pic is stunning!

[Karlee]

Hi Sinead,

Lovely to meet another girl going through the same journey!

It's great to hear that you have some insight and understanding of your feelings. I know it felt so good to have an awakening and finally some understanding and what was going on in my head and my heart too.

Aww thank you - that was a few years ago now! I'm hoping that when my hair grows back, I'll still look like that. I would be happy!

All the best for your 2018. I hope it brings you lots of happiness.

Karlee. ❤️

[Allison S]

Just a few short months ago I had this same experience of realizing and it was really an amazing one. This makes me so happy even since it was so recent but it's now leading me down chain of events.

I never thought I would feel the way I do now. I have a long way to go still on hrt and getting surgeries but I know it's worth it for me.

Growing my hair has been very slow!

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk

[Karlee]

Hi Allison,

It is an amazing one. Things start to fall into place a little more, and everything starts to make a bit more sense.

I'm glad to hear that you are doing well. I can only hope that this year brings me progress towards feeling better in my own body.

Wishing you all the happiness for the coming year. Best of luck on your journey!

Karlee. xo ❤️

[VickyS]

@VickyS
Aww thanks girl! I appreciate it.
It's nice to speak with someone who knows what it's like and is going through something similar. I hope you have much success and happiness this year. All the best with seeing your GP and getting therapy.

I like those two thoughts - they put a lot into perspective! Testosterone is the bane of my existence. Testosterone can turn anything sexual, and make you question it. That's where a lot of my confusion and discomfort has come from. My brain is overly sexualized and has associated this with my gender uncomfort. The more I go on, the less sexual it seems, and the more right it feels.

I know for certain that if there was nobody around to see me (like right now - alone at home) that I would be a girl. It feels so good and so right to be letting Karlee out and freeing her.

Thank you sweetie, I hope so too!
Testosterone is a beast.  You have my deepest sympthy.  It is responsible for so much damage and I have to agree with you with regard to sexualising everything.  My sex drive has lowered greatly in recent years but when I was in my 20s and early 30s my drive was crazy high, now it's lower I do find myself at peace a lot more.  I think what helped me was my wife going through the menopause and going off sex completely a few years ago.  It was frustrating at first but for the best in the long run.  We don't have sex anymore and the idea really repulses me now (sex with a woman).  I have never liked the physical 'humping' action as a male though.  I always thought it was a bit silly.  I liked the feeling though back then!  I have ordered some spearmint tea to see if it can push my sex drive even lower and who knows maybe even introduce a bit of feminisation (well, slight de-masculinisation).  Every little helps!

I think a reason I did not cross-dress so much years ago is that I did not get a sexual thrill out of it and I was seeking sexual thrills back then.  Also, the immense fear and shame of getting caught would have been catastrophic for me in my very male-oriented world that I was trying to fit into, so the ends did not justify the means.  But as we both are experiencing, things change over time!

It's great to hear Karlee has some more 'out' time.  It is a wonderful feeling.  I don't get the chance to be myself as much as I'd like as I'm rarely alone but you have to do what you can when you can!

Vicky xx

[Jessica]

Hi Karlee 🙋‍♀️ I think we all at some point have felt this way, especially in the beginning.  I still have those occasional thoughts.  I feel there is a balance point with me, which I'm still not entirely at.  I plan to transition at my own pace.  Slowly I am becoming more and more at total ease with it.  The realization phase I've passed, but it's still a journey.

Hugs, Jessica 💁‍♀️