Jan 27 2017, 07.44pm
Leading the charge? Seriously?
I'm backdating this entry a bit since I've only now taken the time to think about this concept. I told my therapist that I had reviewed the employee policy manual at work and found very little in it with regard to gender...stuff. I told him that all I could find was mention of protection against discrimination based on sexual preference but nothing even remotely to do with gender expression or identity. I also noted that the last revision was back in 2009.
He suggested that I may have to lead the proverbial charge as far as my employer is concerned. Me? A leader? Seriously? About the only charges I've led involve deciding where to go for lunch, and that's already like trying to herd cats without the benefit of a can of tuna.
Still, if I am going to have to set precedents here and make sure they live up to all their talk of "diversity" and "inclusion", and all the other Human Resources buzzwords they so freely throw around, then I've got a hell of a lot to learn in a short amount of time. I'm going to have to become a fixture at all of the local transgender professional group presentations and mixers and networking events and such.
This is the same thing I should have been doing with similar events in my chosen profession but never really gave a {EXPLETIVE} about. Now I'm suddenly caring about forcing myself to get out there and participate in these kinds of things and am maybe even a bit enthusiastic about doing so to boot! What a frightening {EXPLETIVE}ing thought!
I guess all I need is the right motivation to get in there and make {EXPLETIVE} happen.
I'm scared and apprehensive but i know I'm still going to get in there and do it because this is my future. If I'm going to have to be a representative of the transgender community to my workplace then I'm going to be a {EXPLETIVE} good one!
Jan 29 2017, 08.50pm
We went to Universal today to cash in some more value of our annual passes.
I went kind of dressed with lips, eyes, and hair done. Not overtly feminine but definitely giving subtle hints. As I was trying to find the exit from the Harry Potter flying bench ride, I got 'sirred' multiple times by a surly-seeming female park staffer. It annoyed me then and continued to do so for the rest of the evening. It shouldn't have but the fact remains...
There must be something to this thing Abby West refers to as "passing privilege" and, sadly, I ain't got it.
I know that Rome wasn't built in a day, as the saying goes, and neither will be Cassandra. She will be born through the fires of doubt and adversity.
Feb 04 2017, 04.35pm
Hair appointment today.
I went and got my hair done today. Just a cut and color but my roots are hidden away again and my purple highlights are back, baby!
As a bonus, I also had my stylist wax my eyebrows into a nice tapered arch - much more toward the feminine side than I had done previously. I'm really happy with the way they look now! About the only thing missing for me to have the whole pampered lady treatment today would have been to go get my nails done too. Another milestone for another day, I suppose.
While I was in there, waiting for the dye to set in my hair, a woman came in and sat down in the chair next to me. She had a little girl with her whom I assumed was her daughter. They were both getting their hair done that day. When that little girl walked over to the sit-down hair dryers with her mother, I couldn't help but notice the joy on her mother's face and in her eyes at sharing such a mother-daughter bonding moment during this very female rite of passage - a rite of passage which I never had. I couldn't help but give a little smile of happiness for them but at the same time my eyes misted up a bit - granted, not as much as they are right now, writing this.
Speaking of rites of passage, I can see that, as a trans-woman, it could be seen as a rite of passage in not only having a hairdresser, but also subsequently coming out to them when the time is right. I had wanted to spill the whole story to mine, but I really couldn't find what felt like the right moment. Maybe at a later date when I ask her for a much more feminine hairstyle - one which will help camouflage my rather high, masculine hairline. I've got to face it, I don't really have a forehead, I've got more of a five-head going on right now. Hopefully the {REDACTED}will help with that somewhat.
Feb 05 2017, 08.20pm
More on coming out.
Last night in a text conversation, I told my wife that I had had a long chat with a couple who were longtime friends of mine. I'll refer to them as "I" and "S". Of course she asked what it was about. I said that I told them about me being transgender. She went into complete dead silence until an hour later when I got to Target.
I can't help but wonder what that silence was about. Her demeanor today gave me a clue though. I guess it's okay for her to tell "D" (A mutual friend) but not okay for me to tell my friends? Now I kind of wonder what exactly she told "D" about me. I wonder if she's upset that I've made it clear that this genie is not just going to be stuffed back into the bottle. Maybe she told her that this is some little quirk I'm having to work through or some other similarly ignorant claptrap.
Then again maybe I'm being overly sensitive?