Getting out of that rut (and back into the groove)The club I went to on Friday night was ground-zero for another one of those affirming moments. I wasn't in a state to enjoy it though.
This past Friday, right after work I went straight to my friend "R"'s place downtown. We walked down to a nearby restaurant to have dinner. It was a lovely evening - a touch on the warm side, though still tolerable in spite of being a grim harbinger of the summer heat sure to be upon us soon enough. We sat outside, accompanied by her enormous yet very well-behaved canine companion. After dinner and a short walk back to her place, we started making our preparations for the evening. After much primping and chitchat about makeup and relationships (and a "hey, can you zip my dress and do up the buttons at the neck, please?), we were looking fierce and fabulous as we hit the streets.
About four city blocks and one energy drink later, we arrived at the venue. I showed my still dead-named ID at the door (and again felt the twinge of dysphoria at the fringes of my consciousness). This scene has a lot of gender-fluid folks in it so I wasn't worried and the doorman didn't cast me a second glance before applying the "over 21" band to my wrist. I had never been to this particular establishment before, but "R" had promised me that it was dark and murky inside and I was not disappointed. It was rather dark in there, lit only by the stage and dancefloor lights - perfect for the type of atmosphere needed for a night like this.
A lot of the music being played was much newer than we old farts were used to. There were a couple of songs that were played but I wasn't quite in the right frame of mind to do anything but sit and nurse my drink. A photographer was going around the room, taking pictures of some of the club-goers - presumably for promo shots for the night. From the look of it, he was mainly photographing what could be called "eye candy" around the room, of which there was quite a lot that evening - folks dressed to the nines and looking fabulous. With a look that seemed to be asking permission, which he got, he snapped a picture of "R" who, I must say, was looking fantastic. I smiled at that and wondered where he would go next to seek out more of that eye candy. Then, he turned to me with his camera half-raised and the same querying look.
Wait, what? Me? Seriously?
In days past, not on your life! Now... Oh yeah! Draw me like one of your French girls! Er...um...take my picture like you did of...ah...that girl from Tampa over there.
A drink or two later, a familiar song started playing and I had no choice - I had to dance. Oh did I ever! The wedge heels I had on were just about perfect for the way I was dancing. I slid around the floor, alternately bouncing around and moving sinuously to the music, spinning this way and that. The way my skirt flared out when I spun on the dancefloor was a new and rather exhilarating feeling in such a short dress.
The freedome I experienced made me feel so alive at that moment and so content. This is who I was supposed to be. This is what has been missing from my entire life!
Too soon, the song ended and the music once again devolved into unfamiliarity, so I returned to my perch. Only then did I realize just how out of breath I was. It was a good feeling though.
The night went on and another danceable song came on. "R" looked at me expectantly and I tentatively headed out on the floor with her. The feelings were even more intense and I realized that (thankfully) the rest of the dance floor crowd were giving me a fairly wide berth. I felt like I was dancing more energetically than ever before but wondered briefly if outside observers only saw a woman drunkenly flailing about, bordering on being "a danger to herself and others". Either way, all good!
As the time got close to "last call", I went up to the bar to close out my tab. After signing on the dotted line and retrieving my credit card, I walked back past the dance floor to find "R" and see if she was ready to go. That was when a flying elbow caught me above my right eye, just forward of my temple. Stunned momentarily with my glasses knocked askew, I turned to see the owner of the elbow still flailing about in his own little world, completely oblivious to what had just happened. To avoid any further collisions, I retreated to a nearby stool so I could sit down and compose myself. As I sat there having realized there was no injury other than a sore spot by my eye, I glared at the guy who had hit me - with all sorts of malevolent thoughts coursing through my head. Dark, violent thoughts that I hadn't felt in such a long time. I forced myself to stay rooted to the spot, trying to keep in mind that I don't need anything that was going to interfere with my upcoming name change hearing. Still, the fact that such thoughts were coming up at all had me pretty freaked out.
I turned to go back to the ladies room and check myself in the mirror and spied "R" in the back of the place, talking to someone I had never seen before. Once I had seen there was no visible injury, I walked over to where she was, waved a hand in front of my neck, and mouthed the words, "I'm done", with a thumb pointing toward the exit. She nodded and I turned to leave.
Once outside in the fresh air, I sat down off to the side of the club entrance to wait for "R". A guy I didn't know sat down next to me and started chatting with me. He was a handsome man with short neat dreadlocks, presumably of African heritage - maybe West Indies I'm guessing.
He said, "You look very pretty."
"Thank you," I replied, barely containing just how distraught I was at that moment.
He seemed to read that quite a different way and asked, "You nervous?"
I held my hands up a few feet apart and with seeming obvious distress in my voice said, "I'm at, like, opposite ends of the spectrum right now"
"What are you doing after this tonight? You want to go hang out?"
"Oh no, I'm waiting for my friend to come out and we're going back to her place."
"Oh. Have you been drinking? You're not gonna drive home are you?"
"No, she lives right here downtown. We're just going to walk back to her place."
"Okay, so you don't want to hang out?"
"Not really. I'm sorry." I had a slightly pained expression on my face.
I have no idea how the rest of that evening might have turned out and I'm a little disappointed that I had had that supremely affirming moment pre-destroyed by earlier events.
As it was, "R" came out shortly afterward and I related my experiences to her as we walked back to her place, as well as my distress at the thoughts which came forth earlier. I was pretty proud of myself that I thought rationally about the potential consequences before doing something rash and possibly permanent which is what my former self may well have done.
As we passed by one of the many homeless people on the sidewalk, he tossed a comment at our back, "This is why we have sex slavery..." I just ignored him but "R" threw a middle finger in his direction - as is customary in the big city, I'm guessing.
By the time I got home and ready for bed, the sky was beginning to lighten in the east. I laid my head on the pillow, feeling affirmed, exhausted, fulfilled, and loving the new life I of which I was sure to be just starting to scratch the surface.
