This is going to be very long, but I need to express how I am feeling because I feel like I am suffering on the inside while trying to appear like everything is fine on the outside. I just need advice and a community that can relate to me and share experiences. I feel so alone.
I am a 26 year old, biologically born male. For 25 years of my life I have identified as a cisgender gay man. For the last 5 months I have been questioning/struggling with my gender identity.
Long story short it started 2 years ago when Caitlyn Jenner came out. It triggered memories when I was a kid and I used to dress up in my mom and grandma's clothes, played with girl toys, and asked my grandma why God didn't make me a girl. These triggers ailed me and made me fear that I was trans and really a woman. I went to a therapist at my university and we talked about terms like gender queer and gender fluid. I thought that's maybe what I was and that these feelings would go away and they did, but they came back...
Last August 2017 I started living by myself, my roommate moved out and I was on my own fresh out of college. Things were fine at first, but then different things started happening in my life. From August-December, I was struggling financially to the point where I could no longer support myself, I felt lonely and depressed, my mom was going through a bad divorce with my step dad and my grandma was having bad health problems. But on top of it all, it triggered back the feminine feelings and I started questioning my gender identity again. At first I had really bad anxiety. I kept telling myself that I feel male sometimes and female other times, and knew nothing was wrong with that, but immediately it made me fear that I was transgender. I didn't want to be transgender and was over thinking everything. I was very emotional and felt like my mind was constantly thinking about it.
I have a best friend from high school who is FTM. I immediately talked to him and was very emotional. I felt like he was the only one who would understand what I was going though. He told me that when I'm alone, for me to picture myself as the opposite gender, what I would look like, what my life would be like, without any of the stigmas that are attached to trans people. I drove for 5 hours from my hometown to where I currently live the next day and did exactly that. When I pictured what I would look like as a woman, how I would feel, what I would be doing and who would be there in my life, I felt at peace. There was a calmness and an assurance I felt that made me feel I would be ok. I knew it wouldn't be the end of the world. I felt no fear, but rather an excitement because at that point I felt that I accepted these feelings and why I am having such a hard time with it. I feel such a disconnect with myself and don't feel male anymore. I feel like a woman. When I look back at my life there were signs and things I did, that point to my gender identity. A big thing was when I used to party hard in college. I would get so drunk I would almost blackout but also get very emotional. Everytime I would drunk cry, people would tell me the next day that I said I felt like I couldn't express who I really was and that I couldn't be my true self. Back then, it confused me because people were very accepting of me being gay and I was fine with my sexuality. But gender and sexuality are different and are on different spectrums.
When I came out as gay 9 years ago, I felt like the things I did when I was a todder and kid (dressing up, playing with girl toys, and wanting to be a girl when I was little) explained why I was gay. But throughout my life, I have always felt different. I always felt feminine but always had to suppress it because of K-12 school, family and gender roles/norms. I felt like throughout my life, I suppressed these feminine feelings and desires. At this moment, I feel that my inner sense of self, doesn't match what I'm presenting on the outside. I feel I have to hide my true self behind a gay mask. I would say I act stereotypical effeminate gay, but even in the gay community, I felt like I couldn't connect to other gay men, because I was too feminine and just couldn't really connect with a lot of gay men. I'm definitely sassy and queenie though lol.
For the last few months I have told a few family members, friends, and a coworker how I am feeling and what I'm going through in regards to questioning my gender identity. I would say that 99% have been so supportive and loving, but really can't relate because they have never had these experiences.
My best friend from high school that I mentioned connected me to a woman (mtf) that I should talk to. When talking to her, I could relate to a lot of her experiences. She gave me two pieces of advice. 1. to talk to a mental health professional because of all these things I have on my plate (financial struggles, loneliness, family issues and the gender stuff) and 2. to take baby steps and take time to figure out who I am. Explore things that make me feel good like make up, dressing up in women's clothes, watching youtube videos of other trans people and their experiences. This was back in October and since then have done the 2nd piece of advice. I have started dressing up in women's clothes (at home), trying on make up (at home), starting to grow my hair, watching youtube videos, and talking to the people that support me. This is all fine when I have my good days, but when I have my bad days, I feel miserable. I start questioning myself whether this is what I really want, I have dysphoria, and am so emotional and start questioning everything. I feel like I am not happy but also feel like I'm in limbo. I feel that I am a woman, but am scared because I don't want to regret doing anything or ruining my life. I feel like it's a just a back and forth thing, 10 steps forward and 100 steps back. Non stop.
I have a lot of fear. I work at an elementary school and am currently in a credential program to become a teacher. I am very passionate about teaching and am scared that this will prevent me from living my life. I also fear what people will think, which has always been a problem for me. I know I don't need the people who won't be accepting, but I am so worried about the people I will lose. I feel sad when I look back at all these pictures of me throughout my life as a male, but don't feel like that is me anymore. I feel like I can't enjoy myself because I know things will eventually change, and things wouldn't be the same if I were to transition and live authentically as female. I know I'd still be the same person on the inside, but it just really depresses me. I don't want to waste my time being unhappy and feeling uncomfortable with myself.
When I put on women's clothes, it brings back the feelings I had when I was a little kid. I feel good about myself. There's days when I feel that feeling like a woman is right. But then there are days when I feel so scared and doubtful.
I don't want to continue living my life having to go through these feelings/anxieties of questioning my gender identity. I don't want to wake up at 60 and regret not doing anything sooner. I feel like I want to rush things and just be who I feel I am, but I don't want to do something I'll regret. Again, I feel like I'm in limbo. I know I need to talk to a therapist. I feel if I did, that it would take the edge off and help guide me but I am no longer on my parent's health insurance (turned 26 last month) and am in the process of applying for Medi Cal. I feel like I'm going insane!
