Hello everyone! I've been a quiet visitor to Susan's for almost a year now and finally decided it's time to join the conversation.
My name is Violet; I'm in my early 30s, a former-journalist, a now-programmer, science enthusiast, tabletop nerd, and am just starting my journey (pre-HRT).
I'm not sure what I want to say here (apologies if I ramble), just that I've read a lot of the intros and other stories here and find many of them relatable.
I grew up in, and still live in, The Bible Belt (Southern MO). When I was younger I didn't fit in at school, got bullied, went through a gross self-hating-religious phase. My parents (divorced) were noticeably absent, but weren't awful. My mom even let me have some toys that other parents probably wouldn't have been okay with their little boys playing with (Polly Pocket, Pink Power Rangers, Troll Dolls, Xena, and I always thought Catwoman was waay cooler than Batman (sorry, not sorry)).
However, as I got older I felt more like I was being pressed into a mould. I was forced to play football even after expressing a disdain for it (again; sorry, not sorry), and often felt depressed because of issues at school. I was even put on a "natural supplement" called Symplex M to "make me less moody."
With time, the feminine feelings subsided. Until highschool, when they came back in the form of sexual thoughts. Not wanting to be sexually active, but to *feel* sexy. I remember praying (multiple times! Oh, the irony of it all) to just wake up a woman one day! Wouldn't that be nice!
Shortly after all that started I got mixed in with a religious group and ended up repressing all of these feelings; not wanting to be a sinner and all that jazz. I felt mostly accepted but was still the "odd" one of the group. I still didn't feel quite like I belonged, or as if others could see through my facade.
Once I got away from all that (college), I started meeting people outside my little world. Saw the monster I had become trying to please other people and fit in. I became a more accepting and all around better person after that, but still kept all my feelings on a pretty tight lockdown. I never considered that I might be transexual or gay, not even once; but again, I was raised to be woefully ignorant of things like this.
After graduating college with a second undergrad and finding a cubicle to write code in, it was like all of those feelings flooded out (and with gusto!). I was driving home from work, feeling lousy about my gross-overweight-man-body, and thinking "Am I not taking care of my body because I don't feel attached to it? Mhhmm. Why is that? Is it... oh crap." Suddenly, all these memories and feelings overwhelmed me. I was afraid. What was I going to tell my wife? She said she's bi-sexual, so she'll be cool with it... Right?
It was a hard conversation, but the hardest part was just bringing it up. She cried. I cried. We cried even more.
Dry your tears, this isn't a sad story! We're still together today, with plans to find a less-red-state to move to. She's been my rock. Some days I feel I would've just fallen back into repression and depression without her.
Anyways, that's enough about me for today; there's already a wall of text here. Looking forward to the year ahead, and becoming a more active member in this community!
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