I'm done..

[Avinia]

Yeah, the title of this post is a bit dramatic, but I guess it is the best way to describe how I feel right now.

I think, or hope, that anyone who knows me knows that I have always tried my best to make other people happy, even if I was feeling horrible. I have managed to show up almost every day to class the last 2 years of college, and I don't think I have never not been outwardly happy and passionate, even on the days that I just felt like dying. Even looking through my post history across various forums, I can see posts from 15-20 year old me talking about how I really want to preserve the relationships with my family while I transition, and create a kind of accepting "community"(did find a way to do the latter, through Twitch).

My goal still is to slowly guide my family and friends through my transition when I go through it, however today was really, really bad, and I totally regret putting off my life to try and please others.

Today, I think I destroyed my relationship with two of my brothers. I am still not sure what I did wrong, but I guess I did do something, since my youngest brother(technically my nephew), is freaking out and telling me I need to apologize or he will hate me for the rest of his life(yeah, I take him with a grain of salt, he is 11). However, I am more concerned about my relationship with my 18 year old brother, whom I have tried really hard the last two years to build a strong bond with, to the point of even ignoring the fact that his girlfriend was obviously taking advantage of him.

So, my brother this morning told me that he and his friends wanted to use my room tonight to play video games, I said "sure", thinking that they would be done by at most 10pm. About halfway through the day he said we were also going to play some night airsoft, which went well, aside from now looking back and realizing just how not well it went(they kept making inappropriate jokes about my brother's ex-girlfriend, with her brother standing right there, who was obviously uncomfortable)..

Then came time for them to play video games in my room, it went okay until the ex's brother left, then it kind of went downhill fast. I happened to have my headphones turned low, and heard them talking about how they were going to play until 12am, cleanup, and leave at 1am, I went inside the main house(I live in the guest house) at about 8:30, and texted my brother to remind him that I needed him out of my room by at most 10pm, so I could go to bed. I didn't get a response until about 9, when he asked me to bring a game out, which is when my youngest brother asked to to tell them to let him play.

They ignored my request, so I told them to let him play or they would have to get out of my room by 9:30. They ended up letting him play for 2 lives, in which they killed him immediately both times, totaling at most a minute of play time, my youngest brother came in crying, I texted my other brother telling him that him and his friends are the "D" word, and that I wanted them out of my room immediately. My brother told my youngest brother something, since he came in saying that he hates me and hopes I die, my other brother came in to get his friend's wallet, and he also pretty much told me I should kill myself, and then they left at about 10pm, and as far as I know, my youngest brother was still yelling about me when I came out at 10:30 to take a shower and start getting ready for bed.

This altogether, along with stuff said outside of this today, and just recalling past events from years ago makes me seriously regret tying to build that relationship. I have a feeling it is now dead, and there will probably be some fallout, I imagine his friends will whine to their parents, who will call my parents, and my brother probably will once again claim I had a mental breakdown and cussed them out or something(ironically I have never once had a mental breakdown, as far as I can tell).

But moving forward, I am now going to start working extra hard on learning to drive and getting my license, I also want to get my food handlers card and get a job. I am now planning on talking to my mom sometime before school starts back up, and telling her that I am going to be making an appointment to start my transition stuff through Kaiser Permanente, and share my intentions of coming out to my dad soon.

I will no longer let stuff like my family hold me back, I am tired of letting people walk all over me and get whatever they want, I still do want to make people happy, but I need to work on making myself happy first.

Thanks for listening to my rant, seriously hoping nothing comes of tonight, in relation to backlash from my brother and his friends, kind of surprised they didn't trash my room or something.

[Roll]

All I can really say is... he's 18. It's a good age for idiocy. Don't take it to heart too much. When me and my younger brother were around those age ranges, we were at each others throats constantly with similar stuff. I even called 911 on him and his friends one time because I wanted them to leave and they wouldn't. (Realizing how idiotic that was after 911 picked up, I made some lame excuse to the operator about the threat was enough and the people were leaving and fortunately nothing came of it.)

Fast forward the better part of 20 years, and we have a great relationship. I don't see him anywhere near as much as I'd like to, and am looking forward to moving closer to him later this year. When he was down here for Christmas, I came out to him and he has become my biggest supporter and offering to help with things in a way no one else has.

Having said that, don't let people walk all over you now, regardless of what the future may hold. Just try not to take anything happening now too seriously as long as it's just stuff like this. (In other words, if he starts committing armed robberies, that's a bit different than not being respectful of your need to get some sleep.)

[Charlie Nicki]

Hi Avinia,

Judging by your account of the situation, you'll be fine. Siblings fight all the time and for the smallest things especially when they're really young. Arguing with your 18 year old brother about a videogame doesn't mean the relationship is destroyed. It sounds like a normal day at home lol.

[Avinia]

Yeah, may have over reacted. ended up freaking out at around 1:50am when I realized he never came home, told my parents, and called him as he was pulling in at 1:55am. Still not sure if I trust his story of what he did after leaving the house, since I don't trust his friends at all(he claimed to me that they went out to eat then drove around for 3 hours, this morning he claimed they went out to eat, then he sat in his friend's driveway talking about religion for 3 hours).

My youngest brother is okay today, he seems to have realized that I didn't really do anything wrong, but he still is telling me to apologize.

Main brother is kind of just pretending I don't exist, which I am just kind of glad, that as far as I know, he didn't do anything stupid after leaving the house last night(was seriously worried that he got in an accident).

Still keeping my plans of moving forward with my life, and focusing more on keeping myself okay and happy. Seriously not looking forward to dealing with Kaiser though, but at least I can make that initial appointment through their website now(I hate talking on the phone).

[Avinia]

Well, today was awkward and just overall kind of weird. My brother pretty much acted like I didn't exist, but he did show my parents the text I sent him last night, where I called him the "D" word, and they were kind of pissed at me. I sent my brother an apology text about an hour ago and didn't receive a reply, but he is working until 12am so I am not expecting anything tonight.

For other things, really questioned my "resolution" a bit this afternoon, and re-evaluated it a bit, but there really is no way I can see myself not presenting at least part time as a woman by my 22nd birthday. I am still pretty determined to learn to drive and make that first appointment, as scary as both of those are.

One of the big things I have been worried about, is that I do stream almost full time on Twitch now, to so far only 2 viewers(still a lot to me), but took this week off due to this stuff and some other stressful events this week. I am seriously trying to figure out how to handle that part of my life, with this part of my life, thinking about just rolling with it once I start back up on Monday, maybe try to connect with some smaller LGBTQ+ streamers in the future. I think the big thing here is that most of my family and friends know about the stream and watch sometimes, so I would technically be outing myself to them a bit earlier than I wanted.

Anyways, yeah.. just going to go for it I guess. Seriously tired of just pretending everything is okay, when it really isn't, I really see the need now to transition and be myself.

Now to regret this post in a few hours :/

[Roll]

Don't regret posting! It is important to talk through these things in whatever medium you have available.