So my relationship with my family has always been a complicated one. I am the youngest of two (I have one older brother) and my parents had a difficult marriage throughout most of my childhood. This was mostly because my mom struggled with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and alcoholism, and my dad was in the air force which required him to be away from home a lot - if you don't know anything about BPD, one of the most central symptoms is an intense fear of abandonment...not a good mix for a spouse who deploys all the time. To deal with my mom's emotional ups and downs my dad had anger issues and my brother acted out a lot whereas I tried to be the overachiever, doing well in school and being the "strong" one to please my family. Even though I knew from an early age about my gender dysphoria (I didn't have a word for it but I always felt different or I guess off in some strange way), I stuffed it way down for the well-being of my family. Obviously, this wasn't psychologically healthy so by the time I was in high school I felt numb and depressed. I first came out to my therapist as gay and it was only after a year of therapy and reading about others' experiences online (like at forums like these ones) that I realized that coming out as gay wasn't my ultimate truth..what I was really feeling was that I was born in the wrong body and that I felt I should be female on the outside to match my inside. So I began my transition when I went to college.
My family had a hard time with accepting my transition. My mom was ultimately the most supportive telling me that she loved me just the same but felt worried that my life was always going to be harder because of it...she wasn't wrong about that but I knew in my heart that this was the right decision for me. She worried about my safety both physically and emotionally. Over time though she has grown really proud of the woman I have become and she is really happy to have a daughter. It makes me happy that we are able to have this sort of bond. However, my parents divorced my first year of college and my mom remarried and moved away with her new husband. Our relationship was pretty distant throughout the beginning of my transition and because of my mom's BPD it is still up and down to this day. It sucks that the most supportive member of my family is in a way the most emotionally absent. When my mom is not drinking, is taking care of herself emotionally, and makes time to communicate with me we have a great relationship. Still, it seems like a struggle for her to do those things which makes me sad. I've always felt more like the parent in our relationship and like I've had to take care of her and I feel like she doesn't make me a priority in her life. She is usually too busy to find time to call regularly and even when we do talk it feels like her mind is elsewhere; she tends to get wrapped up in her husband and ignores everyone else in her life which is something I don't understand at all. As an independent person, I believe in standing on your own two feet but my mom is very much dependent on her marriage for her happiness and her husband is somewhat controlling of her.
I felt my brother was largely indifferent to my coming out and also tends to be judgmental and has a hard time being emotionally supportive of me. Although he is gay, it felt like it was hard for him to connect with me after I came out. We fought a lot when we were growing up which I think was spillover from my parents' toxic marriage and my brother has had a diagnosis of high functioning autism so being empathetic isn't his strong suit.
My dad had the worst reaction. He blew up on me when I first told him over the phone that I was transgendered telling me not to come home to visit and telling me I was sick and a freak. Coming out to him was one of the hardest and scariest things I've had to do. He called back a few days later and apologized and told me he loved me and was proud of me for being honest, my dad really values honesty even if he has a hard time hearing the truth. Over the 8 years of my transition my dad has come a long ways but it's still hard for him. He's just a traditional sort of guy from a small southern town so he grew up being really ignorant about trans stuff. Plus, his personality is pretty rigid and I think ultimately I disappointed him in a big way by not living up to these preset expectations he had for my life. My dad has a hard time accepting that I am my own person and can make my own decisions.
Ultimately, my point of this post was to just get all of this stuff out of my head. I've dealt with a lot of this through many years of therapy but it's still hard. My main issue with my family today isn't really my transition itself, it's more the fact that I feel my family invalidates my emotional experiences. As a whole, I feel that they try to modify or ignore how I feel about things and have a hard time accepting that I have my own thoughts and feelings on things. I am a more emotional person and like to be in touch with my feelings and talk about them but my family is pretty clueless and uncomfortable with those sorts of things. I guess being transgendered has forced me to be self-aware and inwardly focused and my family doesn't understand that. Plus we're all just very different and in different places in our lives.
Anyways, families are complicated huh? Would anybody like to share their experiences or offer thoughts on mine? I'd love to hear feedback
