I don't know if it's because I'm trans, because I'm albino or if I have some form of weird OCD but I have a big issue with having my picture taken. Actually it's almost a phobia. I absolutely hate having my picture taken. It totally stresses me out and I will avoid it if at all possible. I have 2 pictures I use. I've used them here as avatar pictures and I use them when I need to show a picture. In both of them a guy I work with who does makeup did my makeup and it took quite a few pictures before I settled on one that was halfway decent. I've never really thought a lot about it but I'm starting to realize other people find it weird. Especially my boyfriend. He gets annoyed when I won't let him take a picture of me. He said there's no reason for it and that I need to get over it. He also pointed out that he had never seen me take even a single selfie. He said most girls have a ton of selfies. I don't. I don't ever take selfies, they always look awful. And to be honest I don't like looking at pictures of myself at all. A few girls here have put pictures on other social sites and asked everyone on there to critique them. OMG, the thought of doing that totally freaks me out! I could never! Then I find out my dad has a bunch of pictures of me on his phone and laptop that I didn't know he was taking. I got really mad about that. He told me that's the only way he can ever get pictures of me. From now on I'm not letting him near me when he has his phone in his hand. If I wasn't afraid of going blind I would totally erase all those pictures. But once when I was being snoopy I was looking through his pictures and came across a picture of him naked! Since then I don't even like being in the same room as his laptop.
I don't really understand why I feel like this but it's not something I can just get over. People tell me I'm pretty, beautiful even, but I absolutely don't see that at all. I think I just look weird. People have told me that all my life and people have always stared at me. My own mother always told me I was weird looking. If I commented on someone staring at me when we were in public she would say " were you expecting a different reaction? You are strange looking and you know that". I refused to have school pictures taken because a camera flash makes my eyes glow red. Without pigment in my eyes a flash reflects off my retinas and turns red. It's like camera red eye, just a lot more extreme. Tinted contact lenses prevent that but if I don't have them in my eyes look demonic red in pictures and I can't stand looking at them. My dad doesn't say I look weird, he says I look unique but in a very beautiful way. At least he doesn't insult me and tell me I look normal when I obviously don't. Maybe I hate taking pictures because of all that but it was in the past and shouldn't still be effecting me. I have no idea how to get over this and I don't even know if I can. I would say it's a trans thing but I don't ever see myself as looking masculine. I see myself as a girl but a weird looking girl. I've also had people tell me my skin and hair color or lack of color actually, was pretty. But to me it's the epitome of ugly.
Does anyone else feel like this?
