Questioning

[confused73]

Hello Ladies,
I'm confused.
I'm a 44 year old cis male but think I may be a mtf trans.

I've always been different. I've always had a LOT of female energy and related to women more. I'm bi but fall more attracted to females. I'm not a fan of most men and I find most typical male interests to be boring ie sports. I had early bisexual experiences with my best friend growing up and I've ALWAYS had strong emotions for a guy. When I'm with a bunch of guys I always feel like I'm putting on a show.

I've never been happy with the way I look and have always been chasing the typical male form, until recently. Rightly or wrongly I started getting into sissification. I detest the domination side of things as I've struggled with shame a long time and its not my thing but it has lead me to videos and that don't even have to be porn as youtube has a bunch encouraging the viewer to be a girl. I REALLY enjoy them.

Something has awoken in me and I can't tell if its because I'm trans or not. I have cross dressed on and off since I was young. If it was socially acceptable for me to be in women's clothes everyday I would be. Such cuter options!
What I am sure of is that if I had reached adolescence today I probably would for sure be trans. (maybe thats my tell tell sign?).
I even have a joke crossdressing alter ego.
If I could snap my fingers and make myself female I would. I'm afraid at this point that the male part of my mind is too afraid to let go. My feminine side was so suppressed that ears went by at different times and I wasn't even conscious of it being there but it always seems to creep back.

Anyhoo I'm trying to figure this all out and my queries kept bringing me to this site. I apologize for my maleness and confusion but I might be the beginning of something that will radically change my life.

Thank you for reading and if you could point me in the direction of some good forums would be much appreciated.

--Sasha

[Cassi]

Hi Sasha,

I think you're in the right place.  You're going to find more threads than you can possibly imagine here and one of the moderator's will be giving you some links.

Welcome!

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. The standard answer is you need to see a gender therapist if you really want to work this out but that said, just ask what you want to know and somebody will point out were it is on the site. For now, I have two links you might want to look at. The first is our WIKI where the word transgender will be explained to you. The second place if you haven't already found it is "the transition channel" where a series of ideas will be discussed and you should gain a better understanding of your feelings. If you have additional questions, feel free to ask as we were all once where you are now.

Things that you should read

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[Laurie]

Hi Sasha,

  Wow do you rate  you got two moderators for the price of one! I'm Laurie, and I is one of those mtf people you think you might be. Quite a bit of what you wrote is my own history. But it took me 20 more years to realize that I was in fact transgender than you. Once I did I was on hrt in a month. I told my GP about it and was then on my way to do things the right way... under a doctors care. It also set in motion the wheels to getting a gender therapist. So I had 3 medical people confirm for me that I was doing what I needed to be doing at long last.
  We have a lot of information here on the site but more important what we have here is support. we will help you by giving you support and relating our own struggle with living life different from our "born as" counter parts. But your best help in answering your basic question will be a gender therapist. They can help you explore and understand things. They can help you figure yourself out and point you in the right direction. But only you can decide that you are or are not transgender.
  So since Cali and Dena left the door open , why don't you? Welcome to Susan's place.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[V M]

Hi Sasha 

Welcome to Susan's Place    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Shambles]

Hey! Alot of what you said rings true for me, if your questioning keep doing it until your sure as can be, dont push it aside. Look at as many other peoples experances here in intros as you can. See if you can see you in any of our stories.

Hope you can find your answers cus i know its a big release when you can ammit to yourself i am trans

[confused73]

Thank you all so much for the warm welcome.

[SashaHyde]

This is my original post. I decided to recreate my profile under my real name Sasha Hyde. Ironically my last name is my grandmothers maiden name and thought it appropriate.
I've decided to create myself a journal that I can reference and think about. My current plan is to
find myself a counselor, start hrt after 6 months while losing a significant amount of weight and change my diet, (so I can fit into so many new clothing options!), after a year hrt, I'm going to do top surgery and after that 6mos-1 yr get bottom surgery.
As I've said in my journal. The idea of srs doesn't even really scare. It does and it doesn't. Knowing I'm female gives me a courage that trumps any fear of the surgery or regret. Knowing I can have orgasms and grow old as a woman thrills me to no end while growing old wearing a man suit is not appealing to me.
I'm reading and doing research on a lot of things that have been written about liike "what you don't expect living as a female"
If I can be so bold, since I've embraced my nature, when I masturbate, I do it in a much different manner thinking I'm the woman in a lesbian or straight relationship and its funny because my orgasms have become A LOT different. more full body, more tingling ALL over, more intensity. All new sensations for me.
As always any thoughts please contact me. Thank you.
Anyhow see you all in the forums


--Sasha

[Jessica]

Hi Sasha 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's.  I agree with Dena that a good first step is finding a gender therapist.  I am mtf also and find therapy very helpful.

[JulieAllana]

Hi Sasha,
    I am new here too, but I think I am mostly past the questioning part.  I noticed that Dena mentioned the transition channel at https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCfO3B57E6NpIn-KsVjvmLLw I wanted to comment that this channel REALLY helped me to put some things in perspective and I watched all of the mtf videos enraptured. 

                 -Julie

[SashaHyde]

Thank you! I will be checking it out. First  video looks promising!

[fleurgirl]

Hi Sasha,

You are in the perfect place to have your questions answered and to explore your gender identity. I've always felt that labels come second to everything, or none at all. Don't feel too pressured to put yourself in a box.

Sincerely,
FleurGirl