Confronting the fear/worry/uncertainty of living as a trans woman?

[FinallyMichelle]

Hi Lindy,

We are on the mtf transsexual forum and even here there are degrees of how far we go. Stepping out into a larger transgender group and the difference in what each individual needs is even greater. The more that I meet people along the spectrum the more that I see that most of us go as far as we HAVE to go. I HAD to fully transition physically and socially, whatever happened I was not going past that point in my life unless I was going as female. There are so many who do not have that need. AND...

This will not be popular but popular or not it is true.

There are many more that would go all the way to social transition if they felt they could pass. This thing we are going through can be brutal and I may pass now, maybe, but that wasn't always the case, I wouldn't wish that time on anyone. I understand what some girls say here and I agree, self acceptance is huge BUT, from what I have seen and it may not always be the case, the biggest champions of that philosophy live in an area where it is more acceptable to be trans. I have to wonder if they would feel the same if they lived in my area where "being yourself" can be dangerous.

😁 All hope is not lost though. One, we can move if we have to! I came close to it myself a few times.
Two, passability is possible even with what might seem insurmountable odds.

This is a hard thing to go through and where you are at is usually the hardest. Crossroads often are. I can't say what is the right path but I am sure of this, it doesn't go away, one day to one degree or another it has to be confronted. I am also sure that there are completely happy people in EVERY stage of transition or stealth, so it is possible. Take your time if you have to. 😊 I think that I had forgotten until reading your original post how very attractive it is, how strong the lure can be to be a woman. Sometimes the hardest footprints to see are the ones we've left behind.

[Devlyn]

Hi Lindy,

We are on the mtf transsexual forum and even here there are degrees of how far we go. Stepping out into a larger transgender group and the difference in what each individual needs is even greater. The more that I meet people along the spectrum the more that I see that most of us go as far as we HAVE to go. I HAD to fully transition physically and socially, whatever happened I was not going past that point in my life unless I was going as female. There are so many who do not have that need. AND...

This will not be popular but popular or not it is true.

There are many more that would go all the way to social transition if they felt they could pass. This thing we are going through can be brutal and I may pass now, maybe, but that wasn't always the case, I wouldn't wish that time on anyone. I understand what some girls say here and I agree, self acceptance is huge BUT, from what I have seen and it may not always be the case, the biggest champions of that philosophy live in an area where it is more acceptable to be trans. I have to wonder if they would feel the same if they lived in my area where "being yourself" can be dangerous.

😁 All hope is not lost though. One, we can move if we have to! I came close to it myself a few times.
Two, passability is possible even with what might seem insurmountable odds.

This is a hard thing to go through and where you are at is usually the hardest. Crossroads often are. I can't say what is the right path but I am sure of this, it doesn't go away, one day to one degree or another it has to be confronted. I am also sure that there are completely happy people in EVERY stage of transition or stealth, so it is possible. Take your time if you have to. 😊 I think that I had forgotten until reading your original post how very attractive it is, how strong the lure can be to be a woman. Sometimes the hardest footprints to see are the ones we've left behind.

Ya, I'll answer that. I live in Boston, where TDOR started following the death of Rita Hester. I live authentically as me, and I am not a passable woman. If they'll kill her, they'll kill me. Frankly, I  find your comment condescending.

[Becca Kay]

one thing that held me back for so long, and tortured me in some ways, was the idea that I would never look like a girl.  I knew for so long that no amount of surgery could shrink me or narrow my shoulders. 

But then I saw girls like Laura Jane Grace and Charlie Jane Anders.  They looked real and genuine and happy and feminine.  And they looked kind of like me... and then there was Gwendoline Christie who is taller and wider and heavier and stronger than I will ever be, and she was born a girl.  And they were all beautiful and different. 

And they teach me that I can be who I am even if i'm not delicate and petite

[FinallyMichelle]

Fair enough, though not intended. It was not ment to be gentle either.

Giving advice that if taken would mimic our own path can often be an attempt to validate our own choices. These are people's lives and agendas have no place in advice given to someone in need, at that point the advice is helping the giver receive something and not the one who is desperately seeking assistance. I don't believe that any advice given here is ment to be harmful but advice given from a distance is rarely accurate enough to be useful.

If someone does not make the choices we made it does not make our choices wrong.

I talk too much, I know I do. I have tried to be helpful and maybe have failed. I have worked the hardest to do no harm though. If I say to someone, 'Breathe, it will be okay.' I try to be sure they are not under water at the time. If I say, 'One step at a time.' I want to make sure that first step won't take them off the edge of a cliff. I hold myself accountable for the things that I have said and other that a few times that I posted when I was drunk (and once angry), I don't feel as though said anything that can hurt anyone.

I was trying to be diplomatic and careful not to step on toes, not condescending. Now let me be blunt; If this is all about the collective or an agenda, "Be proud! Be Trans!" instead of helping the INDIVIDUALS and their unique issues, than I want no part of it. It is an admirable sentiment, but when a person's mental health and happiness are on the line, that sentiment has no place.

I feel comfortable with what I have said and still feel no discomfort after your comment if that was your intent.

[elkie-t]

What helped me to fight fear when I go out is deep internal conviction, that I am a human being and as such have same rights to dress any way I like even if the whole world don't like it. I am not breaking any laws, and have no reason to be ashamed or hide my face. That deep sense of internal peace guided me and gave strength to stand my ground against people who disagreed with my gender presentation. And 200lb of bones and muscles in my 6+' body. And friendly smile (because you treat people the way you want to be treated)


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Amie June]

There are many more that would go all the way to social transition if they felt they could pass. This thing we are going through can be brutal and I may pass now, maybe, but that wasn't always the case, I wouldn't wish that time on anyone. I understand what some girls say here and I agree, self acceptance is huge BUT, from what I have seen and it may not always be the case, the biggest champions of that philosophy live in an area where it is more acceptable to be trans. I have to wonder if they would feel the same if they lived in my area where "being yourself" can be dangerous.

😁 All hope is not lost though. One, we can move if we have to! I came close to it myself a few times.
Two, passability is possible even with what might seem insurmountable odds.

Thank you, Michelle. You've added some meaningful comments in this thread. I have to agree with the above, because I live in a very conservative farm community. I can only imagine there is little understanding, knowledge, tolerance for any deviations in gender or presentation. I'm assuming here. An hour away is a very progressive urban center that has a large LGBTQ community and its own modern resource center. I could definitely "be myself" there, whatever that might look like, and I'm sure I would feel free to wear dresses to the market without worry. I do plan to move, just not sure where at this point. It's all a journey, right? And not always an easy one. But we do what we can to find happiness.

Hugs
Lindy

[Toniwonders]

Hi and thanks for taking the time to read.I have fear actually terror of being myself in a public place ,just quickly,I started living full time female at age 24 ,no hormones and no worries really about passing.Then a bad thing happened ,I was attacked by two people I knew beaten and raped ,this was an experience which was so bad it drove me back into the closet so much that I have rarely come out in the last 20 years.I am now 50 and I still can pass but I live as a male as I am terrified of a repeat being attacked again .I have not changed my mind about being who I am since my earliest memories ,I'm just to scared to act,Despite my strength of will and best intentions I am now starting to deteriorate mentally ,I am angry all the time and constantly uncomfortable ,I just want to wake up and dress and be myself  as I please etc but it is such a huge threshold to cross,I have made enough money to comfortably transition but now I'm just too scared ,guess this is an old stupid story ,I had decided to just tough it out and be an unhappy male but mentally it's starting to show ,any advice would be appreciated,Thanks

[tgirlamg]

Hi and thanks for taking the time to read.I have fear actually terror of being myself in a public place ,just quickly,I started living full time female at age 24 ,no hormones and no worries really about passing.Then a bad thing happened ,I was attacked by two people I knew beaten and raped ,this was an experience which was so bad it drove me back into the closet so much that I have rarely come out in the last 20 years.I am now 50 and I still can pass but I live as a male as I am terrified of a repeat being attacked again .I have not changed my mind about being who I am since my earliest memories ,I'm just to scared to act,Despite my strength of will and best intentions I am now starting to deteriorate mentally ,I am angry all the time and constantly uncomfortable ,I just want to wake up and dress and be myself  as I please etc but it is such a huge threshold to cross,I have made enough money to comfortably transition but now I'm just too scared ,guess this is an old stupid story ,I had decided to just tough it out and be an unhappy male but mentally it's starting to show ,any advice would be appreciated,Thanks

Toni!

Welcome to the forum sister! ... This journey is one best made with friends at your side and, you are amongst them here!!! My name is Ashley, I'm the favorite big sister that you never knew you had!!! 😀

You asked for advice... I will offer some thoughts for your consideration... in the end... we must all come to our own decisions about how to live our own life and the paths we should take... hopefully my thoughts will come together in some kind of coherent fashion for you!

First... I'm so sorry that you suffered such a traumatic experience in the past... There are many sad stories in the transgender world and yours has sad aspects indeed but, the experience need not define you... where you want to go... how you want to live your life....unless you give it that power...

The idea at the core of your first post is that there is a way you would like to live your life, and fear is the obstacle between you and what you seek... I would like you to read this thread because it speaks to the role of fear in seeking what we want and need in life...

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,230730.0.html

I am a few years older than you... 57 in a few months but, there are many of us here who come to transition around the half century mark... perhaps that is just about as long as it is tolerable to hid until you are sick of hiding... I certainly was...  My life is finally... MY LIFE... not the one dictated that I SHOULD live and I have never been happier...The 50s are very much a time when we look at our life... Are we happy? ... If not, Why?... What do we need in our life to bring things to where they need to be?

In the end... our lives are what we make them to be... we hold the steering wheel... What happened to you 20 years ago was terrible but... even more tragic would be allowing those two people and that incident to rob you of a life well lived...

As I said... we must all decide what path is the right one for us but, I hear the sound, in your words, of someone at a crossroads and, seeking direction...I would urge you find perspective on the past and also explore the possibilities that could lay ahead for you on the other side of fear...a WPATH therapist may be very helpful in pursuit of that!

Wishing you all good things as you explore where life will take you next


Onward we go brave sister!!!

Ashley 😀❤️🌻

[Jessica]

Hi and thanks for taking the time to read.I have fear actually terror of being myself in a public place ,just quickly,I started living full time female at age 24 ,no hormones and no worries really about passing.Then a bad thing happened ,I was attacked by two people I knew beaten and raped ,this was an experience which was so bad it drove me back into the closet so much that I have rarely come out in the last 20 years.I am now 50 and I still can pass but I live as a male as I am terrified of a repeat being attacked again .I have not changed my mind about being who I am since my earliest memories ,I'm just to scared to act,Despite my strength of will and best intentions I am now starting to deteriorate mentally ,I am angry all the time and constantly uncomfortable ,I just want to wake up and dress and be myself  as I please etc but it is such a huge threshold to cross,I have made enough money to comfortably transition but now I'm just too scared ,guess this is an old stupid story ,I had decided to just tough it out and be an unhappy male but mentally it's starting to show ,any advice would be appreciated,Thanks

Hi Toniwonders 🙋‍♀️ Welcome to Susan's!  I'm Jessica happily greeting you.  Fear is a real thing that we all can experience.  Hopefully you can find support in your area.  You may learn some techniques that will help you feel safe.  Maybe start a thread in the introductions forum and meet some great people that love to help.  Shout out to Ashley for letting me know you were new here.  I see your new here, so I'll post some links that may help you get better acquainted with the site. 

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)	Cautionary Note
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy	Membership Agreement

[Laurie]

Hi and thanks for taking the time to read.I have fear actually terror of being myself in a public place ,just quickly,I started living full time female at age 24 ,no hormones and no worries really about passing.Then a bad thing happened ,I was attacked by two people I knew beaten and raped ,this was an experience which was so bad it drove me back into the closet so much that I have rarely come out in the last 20 years.I am now 50 and I still can pass but I live as a male as I am terrified of a repeat being attacked again .I have not changed my mind about being who I am since my earliest memories ,I'm just to scared to act,Despite my strength of will and best intentions I am now starting to deteriorate mentally ,I am angry all the time and constantly uncomfortable ,I just want to wake up and dress and be myself  as I please etc but it is such a huge threshold to cross,I have made enough money to comfortably transition but now I'm just too scared ,guess this is an old stupid story ,I had decided to just tough it out and be an unhappy male but mentally it's starting to show ,any advice would be appreciated,Thanks

  Hi  Toni,

  I'm Laurie, I see that you are new here. So please let me say, Welcome To Susan's Place! Come on in and take a good look around.  Perhaps I can even get you to hop on over to the Introductions Thread and  create a post to tell us a little bit more about yourself so we can get to know you a little better and greet you properly. I'll add some links and information below that can help you get more out of our site. Please take time to become familiar with them especially the RED one as we are always getting questions that are answered there.

  Okay the official greet is done. (((Hug))) Hi Toni, come on in and get comfy. You are wanted here as yourself. Yeah that female self, remember her? Hon, that is who you are and what happened to you was horrible. None of us should ever be treated that way, no woman should. It is understandable that it scared the hell out of you. But the years of not being able to be yourself.. Hun that's enough to torture anyone. I hope you are getting therapy for it Toni. If you are not then you need to the trauma from it is still affecting you. Really that can help. 
  I have not had anything like that happen to me but then I only came out to the world last June. That's when I began living full time as myself. I'm 65 too. Kinda got a late start on this transgender stuff. I just didn't know. I cross dressed in the closet almost all my life and only discovered I was trans in November 2016. So Hun it is not too late to start. A lot of things have changed since you where 24. I know what long term issues are from the times when we were younger. I am working on some of mine that started somewhere back in the 50s and 60s. It isn't easy to overcome long held fears. I am getting help and you probably should too.
  We are here to help if we can Toni, Welcome.

 
Hugs,
Laurie
Global Moderator
Laurie@susans.org

P.S. I removed the links at the bottom of my post because Jessica also provided them in the post above.