I'm Sorry

[TonyaW]

I didn't ask to be trans, I'm just trying to live a life where I don't have to hide myself anymore.  I'm sorry I couldn't keep denying that there was something wrong at the very  core of my being.  I tried for 50 years to live the way society dictated. I may have been happy, but the trans beast was always lurking in the background.  Hiding a big secret like this for 50 years, it was bound to erupt. There was no incident or anything that caused it to erupt when it did. I just couldn't do it any more.   Just because  I'm lucky enough to have sought help before it drove me insane or worse doesn't make it less real or easier or less painful for me.  I really tried to keep it down and deal with this on my own. To the point of herbal testosterone supplements.  They seemed to help for a while but the beast would re-emerge even stronger.  The last time i tried this it came back so strongly that I new I couldn't do it on my own.

I get called selfish and told I didn't think of anyone else.  Yes I did.  For 50 years I did and pushed my true self down.  Aren't the people that I'm supposed to think of supposed to think of me also?  Because I'm the one that's different,  I have to just live with it so others aren't uncomfortable?

I know being trans doesn't excuse past behavior, but it certainly can explain some of the how or why. I know I haven't been a great person.  I don't deny it and have apologized endlessly.  I don't need to be reminded of it constantly.  

I know people see me as a freak.  I know what I look like. When I get called ma'am or miss I don't think I'm fooling them. I think they are seeing my gender presentation and being good people and treating me accordingly. 

I'm sorry if maybe my clothes aren't what most women wear. I wish I looked female enough to just throw on any old jeans and t-shirt or what have you.  I know all women don't wear skirts or dresses as often as I do. Well this woman does and she likes them.

I wish I didn't need to use as much makeup as I use.  It's not about being a certain type of woman, or having a certain look.  It's what I need to feel right in my skin. Please remember that I didn't get to learn this as a teenager.  And so what if I want to look nice?  Why is there something wrong with that? It doesn't mean I'm trying to attract anyone.  I dress for me, to make me feel normal.  

I didn't grow up as female so there are somethings I will never know or relate to. 

I believe there isn't a trans woman anywhere that wouldn't have gladly suffered periods etc. if it meant having the right body.  But that doesn't make me any less of a woman.  Different yes, but a woman nonetheless.  And all I want is to be seen and treated as such. 

Call me by my chosen name and use the proper pronouns. I know you won't always get it right if you've known me for a long time, but please try.  

I'm just trying to be me as best I know how. 

End of rant.

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[KathyLauren]

Here's a big hug: (((())))   Yes, we get it.  We have all been there at some point.  So rant away any time you need to.

As you noted, though, there are some good people.  Spend more time with them, and less with the others.  There are more good people in the world than you might think.

[Meghan]

Hi Tonya,

You don't need to be sorry to live to be who you are. You already did everything you could to live for other for most of your life. Now it's time for you to live for your self that makes you happy. Other will slowly accept you as new person, and this is their first time dealing with Transgender person. Just let them time to recognize and appreciate your bravery to transition. Good luck.

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[Gertrude]

Very true about the selfishness part. Tribalism causes all sorts of problems.


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[Laurie]

Hi Tonya,

  You give voice to many of the issues we face in order to be who we need to be. I agree whole heartedly with you in the trying to accommodate those around us that are part of our lives. It is hard as hell to try to come to and understanding or compromise with them in order to keep the peace and it damages us at least as much as not doing so would damage those we love that cannot accept us for who we are. In the end nobody wins and all are hurt in some way. And it sucks.
  For myself I cannot quarrel with anything you have said here. (((HUG))) just because.

Hugs,
  Laurie

[Lady Sarah]

We've all had issues in one way or another. My feminine side was so hard to hide that it was close to impossible to even have one friend, let alone a lover or a family. Releasing the woman inside was the only way to coexist with others, and it made me enormously happy.
At least on Susan's, we all have one thing in common. We all had to come to a realization that all the hiding our true selves was probably not the smartest thing to do.

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