Hi everyone. Late yesterday afternoon my grandpa came over. I told him my dad and Tyler had gone to the gym and he said he had come to talk to me. I told him I didn't want to fight with him and I didn't need to hear his antitrans ideas. He said he didn't come to fight, he came to apologize and that he wanted to talk. He told me he was sorry for the stuff he had said and said he missed Tyler and I and that he didn't want to lose his boy over this. My dad is 39 years old and my grandpa still calls him " his boy". I told him I really thought he had accepted me but obviously he didn't. He said he had never been happy about me transitioning but that he had made peace with it but then finding out my SRS had been scheduled and seeing me with that " Aussie boy" as he calls Tristan had just really upset him.
I told him I needed to have SRS and that it was the final step to me being happy. I asked him if he would rather I be miserable the rest of my life. He said that's what worried him. He said he knew what they were going to do to me and he knew once they did it could never be reversed. He said if I decide it was a mistake later there wouldn't be anything that could be done about it. I told him I wouldn't ever regret having SRS and that that's why I had to see a therapist this entire time and that 2 therapists had agreed with me that surgery was the right thing for me. He said he didn't care if I had seen therapists that I was still a child and I shouldn't do something so radical at such a young age, he said yes he knew I was almost 20 but 20 was still a child. I told him I would never change my mind and I would never regret having surgery but even if I did, it would be on me. It wouldn't be anyone's fault.
I asked him why he didn't like Tristan and he said he didn't dislike Tristan but that seeing him touch and kiss me when he was here at thanksgiving just really bothered him. What he saw was Tristan hug me from behind and kiss me on the top of the head while I was standing at the stove. Later on he gave me a kiss but it was a quick kiss. He and I don't make out or grope each other in front of anyone ever. Just because no one else wants to see that no matter who does it. I asked him why it bothered him and he said it just did, that it just seemed wrong to him. I told him if he was going to be a part of my life he would have to get used to it. He said he didn't know if he could but that he would try.
Then he asked me if I hated him. I told him of course I didn't hate him and that I loved him but I couldn't be around him if he couldn't learn to accept me as a woman. He said he would try. He said it was very hard for him and that he would never be happy about it but if I gave him another chance he promised he wouldn't ever be disrespectful to me or to Tristan. I'm pretty sure that's the best I'm going to get from my grandpa but as long as he isn't disrespectful it's enough. I don't want to cut him out of my life if I don't have to. So I figured that was it. But he said he wanted to talk to me about some other stuff too.
He said he knew he had hurt me a lot growing up but that he honestly hadn't done it to be cruel or mean. He said he was trying to help me the only way he knew how. He said from the time I was little I had kind of freaked him out. He said I was the weirdest little boy he had ever seen and he didn't know what to make of me. He wasn't talking about my physical appearance, he meant my behavior and personality. He said I always wanted to be in my dad's lap or cuddled up next to him and I was always giving him and my brother kisses which little boys didn't do once they were 3-4 years old and I still did it when I was 5-6. He said he thought someone needed to let me know that wasn't right and he got frustrated with my dad because he didn't see anything wrong with my behavior and he wouldn't do anything about it or let him do anything about it. He said as I got older my behavior was more and more unacceptable for a little boy and my dad wouldn't do anything to correct me. He said it panicked him. He said he never thought about me being trans but he was sure if somebody didn't do something I would grow up to be " queer". His word for gay people. He said that was a horrible thing and he didn't understand why my dad wouldn't try to prevent it. He said a couple of times he even cried over it. Until he said that I didn't know just how strongly he had felt about it. My grandpa doesn't cry. Ever, about anything. For him to cry about something it would have to be beyond horrible. I guess for him the thought of a gay grandchild was.
He said he tried and tried to tell my dad he needed to do something or I would be queer when I grew up. He said my dad told him if I was gay then I was gay and that you couldn't shame or beat being gay out of a child. My grandpa said he had tried to " correct" me himself but my dad yelled at him for trying. He said he didn't know what to do. He said my dad wouldn't let him spend any time alone with me either and he never even let me spend weekends with my grandparents. He told my grandpa he couldn't trust him not to be mean to me.
I told him what he said about my dad being a bad father and telling Tyler he was a poor excuse of an older brother had upset and pissed me off worse than anything he had said about me. I told him Tyler had always been a good brother and that he had always been very protective and had even endured bullying at school himself and gotten into fights with other boys over me. He told me he had hoped Tyler at least would try to "help" me but he never did either. I asked him just what he meant by Tyler "helping" me. He said as my older brother he should have let me know that my behavior was unacceptable but instead he had protected me from everything and been too loving and affectionate with me just like my dad and didn't even want to do normal boy things with me because he was afraid he might hurt me. I told him it wasn't wrong or abnormal for my dad and brother to love me. He said no it wasn't wrong but that the problem had always been that they loved me too much. I asked him what he meant by that and he said they loved me to much to be mean to me in order to help me and that brothers and fathers and sons just didn't interact that way. I told him maybe that should have given him a clue that I wasn't a boy. He said something like that would never have entered his mind.
I have to say after he told me all that I do have a better understanding of my grandpa. He has ignorant and phobic beliefs and ideas no doubt, but it does explain a lot. I told him as far as I was concerned as long as he treated me, Tristan and my dad and brother with respect he was welcome to be a part of my life. But I told him he needed to apologize to Tyler and I didn't know if he would be as forgiving. I don't think he understands how bad what he said to Tyler was. Tyler has always tried to be a good older brother and he's always been proud that he has been. My grandpa might have crossed a line with him.
My grandpa is never going to be completely accepting, that's just reality. But if he can conduct himself accordingly around me and my family I'm willing to have him be a part of my life. I realize there are going to be people in my life that won't be able to accept me and that's just life.
