I made it safely from Cleveland to Madison WI on Friday. The 8hr drive was a little over 9hrs due to heavy traffic. I was beat, but I did get to see my older daughter Emily. She came to the hotel to meet me, and after a big hug we went out to dinner. She told me what was going on in her life, and we talked for an hour or so before leaving the restaurant. So far so good.
This morning (Saturday) started off a bit ugly. I was waiting for breakfast in the hotel dining area and heard the cook talking to a co-worker:
Cook: 'Did you see the guy in a dress?'
Co-worker: 'Yeah, I saw him'
I was the only person in the dining area wearing a dress, so I expect they were referring to me. I held my tongue and ate my breakfast. After I was done I went to the front desk and mentioned that they needed to let the cooking staff know it was rude to talk about hotel guests. The clerk apologized and said she would talk to them. The only drawback is now I don't feel safe eating there because there is no telling what the cook may put in my food.
A little later my daughter picked me up and we went to the local farmer's market. Emily picked up some fresh produce, I bought her a necklace she liked, and I picked up some jams for my wife. We went to lunch, then shopping at the local mall. Eventually we wound up at 'Forever 21'. While Emily was trying on a top, I found a dress that I liked. I showed it to her when she came out and she said that I should try it on. So now it was my turn in the dressing room. It fit great! After I came out Emily helped me find the dress in a few different colors, and she helped me look for a few additional dresses. She even commented on which colors would work best with my skin tone. I would up getting four new dresses. Now that was something most dad's never get to experience, having their daughter help pick out dresses for their dad! Needless to say, I felt great about the situation, and Emily laughed about it.
Later we went back to her apartment and talked about my previous life. She told me that after college she felt she could not come home due to my anger issues, and she was glad that the job she found was far away. That nearly broke my heart, but I know she was talking about him, and I don't blame her for feeling like that. She also mentioned that on several occasions while she was still living at home she had debated calling the police due to what she believed was emotional abuse. Luckily for me she always talked herself out of it. At the time I did not realize how deeply my anger was affecting my daughters, I was blinded my my own emotions. As the song says:
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone,
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
Now I can see and at least partially understand how much my anger affected one of my daughters. I try not to think about it much, it brings on waves of anguish. I told Emily that I was very sorry and deeply regretted the pain I had caused her. I thought I had been protecting my family by hiding my secret, but finally realizing that hiding my secret was actually hurting the people I loved the most had helped me accept that I was transgender.
Emily seems to understand, and she has now seen that I have become a different person. My frustration and anger are gone, they have been replaced by other emotions along with a dose of empathy. I think our relationship is now on a new path. I can never make up for what I did in the past, but I can make our future a much brighter one.
