Jessica's Rose Garden

[Jessica_Rose]

It's great to see you again, Moonflower!!!

Susan's Place saved my life, and probably a few others. This place is definitely worth saving, and I want to do whatever I can to help it succeed.

Luckily, I occasionally made backups of my posts using 'cut and paste'. It was tedious, but it was time well-spent. I feel a bit self-conscious reposting everything, but this place is built on posts from members. We all have slightly different views and reactions, and none of our journeys are exactly alike.

Thanks for letting me know that my story has helped you and your sweetheart. As long as I know my story is helping at least one person, then it's worth giving others a peek inside my life.

Love always -- Jess

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: October 15, 2022, 05:43:23 pm »
Susan and I visited Garvan Woodland Gardens this morning. The weather was nearly perfect! There weren't many plants in bloom, but it's still a beautiful area to walk through and just relax. The last photo is one of my favorites - a small pine tree growing on a rock. For me, it signifies strength and resilience. Despite the environment, it took root and is doing its best to survive despite the odds. It reminds me of a very special group of people...

Love always -- Jessica Rose

         

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: October 20, 2022, 06:51:18 pm »
Susan and I got our flu vaccinations last Friday. Tuesday I visited my local electrologist for a 1hr session, he covered all of the areas which could be seen in public -- face, neck, arms, and upper chest. My next visit to Colorado won't be until 18 Nov (if weather cooperates), so I'll be making another visit to him in about two weeks. I also had another voice therapy session, and I think I'm starting to make a little progress.

This afternoon we got our second COVID-19 booster. We plan to visit my dad again this weekend, so we hope any side-effects will pass quickly. After getting the booster we went to a local grocery store to pick up a few things. Along the way I told Susan that I wasn't sure why, but for the last few days I occasionally had the uncomfortable sensation of someone squeezing my right testicle, which I left in Scottsdale nearly four years ago. Instead of sympathy, Susan burst out laughing and said 'it serves you right!' I guess she misses that more than I thought. She apologized later, even though she was still smiling about it.

I'm not upset with her, but I'm just not sure she understands the depth of the pain I felt for decades. It's difficult for anyone cisgender to understand the shame of hiding, the fear of being discovered, and the crushing pain of keeping your soul locked away in darkness for decades with no hope of escape. Once that crack appeared and my soul was touched by the light, by the possibility of finally being free, there was no price I would not have paid for her freedom. I know it was a loss for Susan, but there are viable substitutes. I was prepared to lose everyone and everything for the simple freedom of being myself, and for that there is no substitute.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: October 25, 2022, 07:28:58 pm »
It has been quite a while since I had a bad day, but last Friday became a dumpster fire. It didn't start off too badly, but for some reason later that evening I began to concentrate on negatives, and suddenly my world seemed to fall apart. I didn't want to vent in public, so I posted this in a forum only accessible to site staff:

I've not been 100% today, or for the last few days. I could blame the COVID-19 booster for today... I just have a lot of things on my mind right now. To be honest, I feel broken and lost, sometimes on the verge of tears. All the hate in the world which seems targeted at us. I'm still paying off a loan from my last surgery. Retirement seems to be getting further out of reach. A co-worker on my team got promoted, he deserves it, he earned it, but I feel like I'm being left behind. I'm having trouble with the right branch of my sciatic nerve. I've had a low-grade headache for several days, maybe it's eye strain due to cataracts. Cataract surgery in two weeks. And yes, there's more... yet I still feel as though I must smile and hide my pain. Seems like I've been doing that all of my life. Is there anything that doesn't hurt? The pinky on my left hand seems to be fine. I know things will get better, I'm just worn out.

As many of you have noticed, we have an incredibly supportive staff here at Susan's Place. I received a lot of encouragement from other staff members, which made me feel better. I expect our trip to visit relatives over the weekend also helped. I'm almost back to 'normal', with only a few minor aches and pains. Some worries I just have to ignore.

No matter how strong or courageous others think we are, we are still human. None of us are impervious to the slings and arrows life can throw at us, and all of us occasionally need support from others who understand the incredible journey known as 'transition'. That's why Susan's Place exists, and that's why I'm still here.

I wish that more people could see us for who we are -- a normal consequence of the infinite biological possibilities of life. No two people are exactly alike, even identical twins have slight differences. Like ice cream there are more than two flavors, and you can't always determine the flavor simply by looking at it. Life would be boring if the only choices were chocolate and vanilla, but even then some people would prefer a chocolate-vanilla swirl... with sprinkles.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: October 30, 2022, 10:47:21 am »
(I originally posted this is someone else's blog, but because of the 'blip' it's not there...)

I'm sure you've heard the phrase 'dance like no one's watching'. This applies to much more than dancing. Perhaps the key to happiness is more like 'live like no one's watching.' All our lives we've been concerned about or scolded with 'what will the neighbor's think?' I know how difficult it can be to ignore how other people sometimes look at us, but in reality that is their problem. Don't let 'them' bother you, they're probably just jealous that you're having so much fun and living your life in a way that brings you joy.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: October 31, 2022, 05:24:47 pm »
Susan and I voted on Friday. I was somewhat surprised at how busy the polling station was. I just wish we had a few more options in this area. I don't want to get too political, but I can't vote for a person or group who is trying to restrict the rights of those who simply want to be themselves. You can't legislate LGBTQIA+ people out of existence.

I got a letter from the IRS on Saturday. They said I paid too much and they're sending me a refund. Several months ago a different IRS letter said I didn't pay enough, so I sent them what they requested. The refund is about half of what the 'extra' payment was, but getting a little back was a nice surprise.

Our long-time canine companion Prince (a whippet) may not be with us much longer. We lost his brother about two years ago, and now Prince has suddenly stopped eating and drinking. He has a heart murmur which has steadily been getting worse, and some abscessed teeth which the vet won't remove because Prince most likely would not survive the anesthesia. We bought some soft foods for him Saturday, but the outlook isn't good. We have an appointment at the local animal clinic Tuesday morning. We're hopeful the vet can help, but we're preparing ourselves for bad news. He has been a part of our family for over 14 years, and our home will feel empty without him.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Our companion -- Prince

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: November 01, 2022, 05:42:16 pm »
Before going to the vet, we put Prince in a wagon and took him on a 'walk' around the neighborhood. On several occasions he wanted to get out and walk on his own, so we just went slow. He did eat some apple slices this morning, but not much else. After running some blood tests, the vet said he is in the early stages of kidney failure. They are giving him some fluids now, and he will be there for a day or two. The vet told us that with the proper care and diet, Prince could be with us for a few more weeks or even months. Other than his kidneys, he is in good health. We said as long as he seems to be happy and not in pain, we will do whatever it takes. I know we are just delaying the inevitable, but we are grateful for the extra time we may have with Prince and will try to make him as happy as possible. Some old friends are planning to visit Friday, and we know he will be happy to see them!

I had another electrolysis appointment this afternoon. I really do have some stubborn hairs, even after nearly six years of treatment there are still a few who refuse to understand they are no longer desired.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: November 03, 2022, 10:10:35 am »
I had my first round of cataract surgery today. My left eye was far worse than my right, so that's the first one to be corrected. I couldn't eat or drink anything after midnight, and I was asked to wear a front opening top so they could attach the monitors easily. Initially I was concerned they may not be able to do the surgery today. Overnight a blood vessel in my left eye burst and it looked awful. Apparently, this is somewhat common, and it didn't delay the surgery.

We arrived around 8:40am for my scheduled 9:00am surgery. Right at 9:00am, they called me back into the prep room. They weighed me, then had me sit on a gurney while they tucked my hair into a net. Once I laid down, they took my blood pressure, put in some eye drops, then inserted an IV into the back of my hand. After I verified what they were going to be doing that morning, the anesthesiologist started giving me something awesome and I drifted off to sleep.

I vaguely remember seeing waves of muted colors and hearing muffled voices, but after what only seemed to be a minute or two, I slowly began to awaken -- they were done. By 9:30am I was being helped out to the car for the ride home.

I have an eye shield for now, which prevents my glasses from fitting properly. Typing this is a real chore! I feel a very slight itching sensation in my left eye, but there is no eye pain or discomfort. The only pain so far was the IV insertion. I have a follow-up tomorrow morning at 7:45am, and they will be removing the eye shield.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: November 05, 2022, 10:43:11 am »
My follow-up appointment went well. Within a few minutes of removing the eye shield they checked my vision and it was already 20/25 in my left eye. Everything seems much brighter as well, in photography terms I would guess my left eye is about a half-stop brighter than my right eye (which also has a cataract). I have some eyedrops and ointment I need to use on a regular basis for a while, and I need to wear the eye shield at night for a week. I have another appointment next Friday, when we will schedule the surgery for my right eye.

My eyes are fighting each other for now. One says 'wow, I can see so clearly', while the other says 'where are my glasses?' My left eye has great vision starting about 30 inches away, while my right eye (without correction) is only in focus at around 10 inches. I have some contact lenses I will start using in my right eye for now, and some off-the-shelf reading glasses should help.

We had some friends spend the night on Friday. They lived near us in Colorado, but they moved to Michigan a few years ago. They are taking a trip to Arizona and were able to stop by for a visit. They used to take care of Prince when Susan and I took long trips, and I would mow their lawn while they were away. It's always great to have friends drop by.

Prince is doing much better after his vet visit last Monday, and he was really happy to see our visitors. As soon as they sat on the couch, Prince was snuggling up to them! He is eating well and seems to have much more energy, so we are hopeful he will be with us for a long time.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: November 09, 2022, 01:17:56 pm »
I am still getting used to the changes in my eyesight. My vision was so unbalanced that I decided to use a contact lens in my right eye, and it's working out well. I need reading glasses for anything closer than about two feet, but beyond that my vision is awesome! My follow-up exam is on Friday, then we will schedule the surgery for my right eye.

I only have two more voice therapy sessions scheduled. I enjoy going to them, getting to interact with the students and meeting other unicorns is awesome -- working from home can be lonely. The voice therapy sessions appear to be working. According to the 'Voice Pitch Analyzer' app:

                  Min Avg    Max Avg    Average
6 Jan 2022    165Hz      214Hz      189Hz
9 Nov 2022  168Hz      242Hz      204Hz

Our canine companion is continuing to improve. He has regained his appetite and is more active now. His new diet requires a prescription dog food. I ordered some 'beef and vegetable stew' and some 'chicken and vegetable stew', which should arrive tomorrow.

I decided to run a few errands yesterday. While driving through our neighborhood I was thinking about how a few shots of hairspray can quickly tame my hair, then a smile slowly spread across my lips, followed by a sense of joy, and suddenly I burst out in laughter. It was a long, difficult, painful and expensive journey, but finding joy in just being yourself is priceless.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: November 11, 2022, 06:05:27 pm »
Prince's new food arrived today. He seems to really like the chicken stew. We'll probably just alternate between beef and chicken so he doesn't get bored with the same food every day. The food is over $4 a can, but after living with us for over 14 years he's earned it. Despite the new food, Prince is upset with us. He loves cheese and we've had to cut way back on that.

My visit with the ophthalmologist went well. We scheduled surgery for my right eye, but the earliest available date is in mid-January! I asked to be added to their cancelation list in case an earlier date becomes available. I still need to use one of the eyedrops for another month, but I'm done with the eye ointment. I don't need to use the eye shield at night either, but I think Susan will miss playing 'pirate' at bedtime.

We're going to visit my dad this weekend, and late next week I'm heading to Colorado Springs for a mammogram and another round of electrolysis with Kris. If everything goes as planned, I'll even be meeting up with @Rayna !

Yes, there are places in Arkansas to get mammograms other than bars. I have not found a new primary care doctor here, so I'm still seeing my original doctor in Denver.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: November 15, 2022, 06:21:02 pm »
Our visit with my dad went well. He seems to have fully recovered from the TIA and we didn't notice anything 'off' during our visit. We had our standard lunch from McAlister's Deli, and dinner was from a fast-food place -- it was my dad's request. While there I noticed a clock propped up against a couch. My dad said it was my mom's favorite clock, but it had quit working. I took it home so I could replace the clock module.

Wearing one contact lens is a pain in the... eye. I'm not used to wearing contacts, and the 'toric' lens seems to float around causing less than optimal vision. Luckily my vision seems to be stable while driving, probably because I don't need to change my focus very often. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for an earlier surgery date!

Prince has stopped eating again, the only things he has eaten are a few small pieces of cheese, some carrots, and some apple slices. The new diet appeared to help initially, but now I'm not sure he'll make it to the end of the year, or even the end of the month.

The weather for my Colorado Springs trip is looking reasonable. It will be cold (not @Northern Star Girl cold) with some snow Friday morning, but nothing significant enough to affect travel. I'm really looking forward to seeing Kris again, and of course having dinner with @Rayna !

I've started looking for a local primary care physician. Our health insurance is through Cigna, and they recently added an 'inclusive care' search filter to help find LGBT+ friendly medical professionals. The extra information is great, but it's sad that we can't count on every medical professional to provide health care to everyone regardless of their status. We're not asking them to approve or condone anything, we're just asking them to fulfill their Hippocratic oath.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: November 21, 2022, 06:35:04 pm »
My recent trip to Colorado Springs went well, but it was cold! I stopped overnight in Amarillo. When I arrived, the temperature was in the low 50's, but it was really windy. The next morning the temperature was in the 20's, and I started seeing a few flakes of snow before hitting the New Mexico border. The snow was relatively light, but in several places it had started to accumulate on the roads. While going over Raton Pass, I slowed down as much as 20mph below the posted limit to feel safe, and I was still passing a lot of cars.

Kris was able to open up a bit early for me, so I had two hours of electrolysis before heading off to my mammogram. The results were much like my previous checks:

1 - I have breasts.
2 - They are firm yet squishy.
3 - They do not enjoy being squished in a vise.
4 - The results were clear. No abnormalities detected.

When the procedure was finished, I drove to my hotel so I could check in. Since I visit quite often and they had few guests, they gave me a free upgrade to a huge suite. After bringing in my luggage, it was off to visit @Rayna !

Rayna's house has an amazing view! After introducing me to her feline companion and giving me a tour, we sat down for dinner. Rayna had prepared a great meal -- some pasta with marinara sauce and a side of baked potatoes, green beans, carrots and a few other veggies. At 8:00pm we listened to the neighborhood howl, literally. We talked for several hours, and I didn't leave until nearly 11:00pm!

The next morning the temperature was around 4 degrees, but it quickly warmed up to the low 20's. I visited a local Walmart and found something Susan had been looking for -- a white amaryllis! My next stop was a nearby Ross, where I always seem to find some new clothes I like. Kris was ready to start another round of electrolysis at 9:30am. We broke for lunch around 12:30pm to meet up with another friend at the Garden of the Gods Market. After lunch and a few more hours of electrolysis, it was time for me to hit the road home. I spent the night in Clayton, NM. I left early Sunday morning and made it home around 6:30pm.

I do have some sad news to report. Prince was still not eating. We took him to the vet this morning. Most of his life he weighed 26 - 28lbs. When we visited the vet a few weeks ago, Price was down to 18lbs. This morning he only weighed 14lbs. Based on the experience of the veterinarian, it was time to say goodbye. Susan and I helped comfort him as he fell asleep one last time. Prince was part of our family for over 14 years, and we are heartbroken.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: November 26, 2022, 04:38:51 pm »
Susan and I thank all of you for your condolences. I'm trying not to think about Prince right now because the pain is still too fresh. In time the pain will fade, and our memories will just be of the adventures we had and the companionship we shared.

Our Thanksgiving went well. My brother drove up from Louisiana and brought his wife and son along with my dad. Susan did a great job fixing the meal, and we had some enjoyable conversation too. Once our relatives headed home, Susan and I put the house back to normal.

Susan and I did a little shopping today. We picked up a few small 'Black Friday' items at Home Depot, along with a shelf unit to hold my 'car stuff' (waxes, cleaners, buckets) in the garage. We also stopped by a furniture store and ordered a new couch and loveseat, which probably won't arrive until early January. The store was running a 20% off sale, and they gave us free delivery since I'm a veteran. Our old couch and loveseat is oversize and overstuffed, and bigger than we like. A friend gave them to us about 10 years ago. They were well used when we got them, but they were better than what we had.

After we got home, Susan sat on the couch and watched me screw for at least 30 minutes, she even brought me some hot chocolate! Her new plant stand had arrived and I wanted to put it together right away. Once that task was complete, I assembled the new shelf unit in the garage and moved the car stuff onto it. By then it was time for supper -- Thanksgiving leftovers! Thanksgiving, the meal that never ends...

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: December 03, 2022, 05:04:38 pm »
The new shelf unit really helped me get our garage in order. I still have a lot of work to do, but it's coming along nicely. Maybe one day I'll actually be able to find things out there. We have offered our old couches to one of our daughters. She and her boyfriend plan on moving to a larger place in January or February, and they may be able to use it. If they don't want it, then we'll just donate it.

Sara, keeping busy does help. It keeps your mind from wandering into dark places. We do need 'down time' occasionally though, to review where we are, where we want to go, and how we plan to get there. The pain of losing Prince has subsided quite a bit, but I still have to stop myself from saying 'good morning, Prince' every day.

Susan and I ran a few errands today. Our first stop was Petsmart to donate one of Prince's pet beds, a few boxes of pet treats, some of his blankets, and a large bag of puppy food. Petsmart will give the items to a local animal shelter. We plan to give another pet bed and two animal crates to our local veterinarian.

Next we visited a local indoor 'vintage market', which took several hours to explore. Susan picked out a few Christmas decorations, and I found something I had to bring home -- a tall, slim, Jim Beam decanter. A decorated one was the home for the character Barbara Eden played in 'I Dream of Jeanie'. The cashier seemed a bit perplexed when I told her I was paying for both the decanter and the items Susan had picked out. I'm not sure what she was thinking, but I didn't let it bother me. The cashier carefully wrapped the items we bought. She tried removing the stopper from the decanter and I told her to stop... she might let the genie out! The cashier laughed, left the stopper in the decanter, and wrapped it up. Although we visited several other stores, we didn't find anything else notable.

An update on my cataract surgery. The vision in my left eye seems stable now. The most bothersome part is wearing a contact lens in my right eye. After four or five hours it seems to dry out quite a bit and it becomes uncomfortable. I'm hoping there will be a cancellation and I can get my right eye done sooner, but for now it's scheduled for mid-January.

My voice therapy sessions seemed to help, and I have asked to return for the next semester. It will probably be a month or two before I find out if I will be returning. I have a one-hour electrolysis session scheduled for Tuesday. Seeing a local electrologist to keep the visible areas cleared between my Colorado visits works really well. Since Prince is no longer with us, I plan to take Susan on my return trip this time. She has a good friend who lives near our old house, and they talk on the phone every day. Our next Colorado trip is planned for early January, but it really depends on the weather.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: December 13, 2022, 07:43:12 am »
The two amaryllis I bought for Susan on my last trip to Colorado Springs are doing well. The white one has two large buds which may well open by Christmas, the red one appears to be a late bloomer. Susan started a spider plant for Kris, and we plan to take it to her on our next visit to Colorado.

Last week's visit to my local electrologist went well. After about 10 minutes on my face and neck he asked 'where should I go next?' Most of the session was spent on my arms and hands. Our next session is scheduled for 19 Dec. Hair removal has taken much longer than I expected, but I guess that's normal for wookies. My experience is that laser (not IPL) works great for most body hair, but light-colored and facial hair requires electrolysis -- lots and lots of electrolysis.

Both of our daughters plan to visit for Christmas. This will be our first Christmas together in about five years. I never put any pressure on them, I just make sure they know that they are welcome in our home. They both have their own lives to live, and I'm happy to still be a part of it. It's amazing how different they are, and we are proud of them both. I think our younger daughter has the best sense of humor though. She mentioned there were some black-faced vultures hanging around her apartment building, and referred to them as 'goth chickens'!

My work is still going well, but I'm really having a hard time getting motivated. My employer is awesome, but my heart is telling me it's time to retire. Unfortunately, it will be a few more years before we can do so. I've been doing basically the same job for nearly 40 years, and I've simply grown tired of staring at a computer screen all day long. I guess I can hold out for a few more years.

Susan mailed our Christmas cards a few days ago -- Santa's sleigh being pulled by a unicorn with a rainbow mane and tail!

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: December 14, 2022, 09:25:06 am »
Last April I sent a note to one of the people in charge of medical benefits at work. Our existing coverage included both top and bottom surgery along with breast augmentation, but not much else. I advocated increasing our coverage to include:

- FFS
- Trachea shave
- Electrolysis
- Voice therapy/surgery

Today I attended a benefits session outlining our new LGBT+ benefits. Guess what? Everything I asked for is now at least partially covered in our plan!!! Although it isn't retroactive, it should help cover my ongoing electrolysis and some additional voice therapy. Most importantly, it will be a gigantic help to all of those who are just starting their journeys. I wasn't the only one pushing for these changes, but it's nice to know I may have helped.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: December 20, 2022, 06:39:15 pm »
I had a 1hr electrolysis session with Bryan yesterday. At one point he mentioned that I was at the 'maintenance' stage, at least for the areas I allow him to work on. I guess that's a good sign, but I sure do seem to need a lot of maintenance!

Our oldest daughter and her husband won't be able to join us for Christmas this year. Her mother-in-law became extremely ill and was put into ICU with a ventilator, so they are visiting her in Florida. I told her that family always comes first, and that she should stay and spend as much time as possible. We will simply visit another time. Our youngest daughter still plans to visit, she should arrive Friday afternoon. It's always nice to visit with family over the holidays.

I had a nice phone conversation with a few Susan's Place alumni this afternoon, SassyCassie and Steph2.0. They are both in good health and are doing well. Out of respect for their privacy, that's all the information I will provide. There are a few other alumni I occasionally hear from, Kendra, Michelle_P, Laurie, Tia, and Debi, they are also all doing well.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: December 25, 2022, 05:41:06 am »
It's still dark here, the only sounds are from my keyboard and an owl who is serenading me with a series of 'who who'. Susan will be up soon to start preparing our noon meal, and our daughter Kimberly will be helping us celebrate the season.

From our house to yours -- Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Festivus, whatever you prefer to celebrate at this time of the year. We hope you are able to spend some time with loved ones, friends new or old, and family -- old and new.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: December 25, 2022, 05:53:23 pm »
We had a great Christmas this year. Kimberly drove up from Austin on Friday. Saturday morning we went to the 'Cotton Shed' vintage market, where Susan found a few decorations for our house. After lunch at McAllister's Deli we headed to a local Outlet Mall. Surprisingly, it wasn't very crowded. We all found a some clothes we liked, and Susan found a baking pan with embossed snowflake patterns.

When we got home, some new nightstands I had ordered a few weeks ago were on our doorstep -- some assembly required. I started putting one together when Kimberly said she really liked assembling furniture (seriously!). I let her finish the one I had started, and she put the second one together as well.

After opening our gifts Christmas morning, we had ham, rice, gravy, carrots, and rolls for lunch. Dessert was homemade bread pudding! After lunch I helped Kimberly with one of her gifts -- installing a front and rear dash cam! The process was fairly easy, the most difficult part was finding a good place for the power tap. After about two hours or so, we were done, and there wasn't a single curse word during the entire process.

Kimberly will be heading home tomorrow (Monday), but she is going to follow us down to my Dad's house for a quick visit. My dad knows Susan and I are coming, but Kimberly will be a surprise! We won't be able to stay long, but we plan to have lunch together and give him a few gifts.

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, or whatever you celebrate. We hope everyone was able to spend some time with friends or loved ones today.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

Kimberly, Jessica, Susan