« on: May 8, 2023, 02:32:10 pm »
I'm done, almost. I had to take out two 401k loans to pay for my facial surgeries. Last year I reached the age where I could make a 401k withdrawal without a tax penalty, so I 'repaid' the first loan early last year by making a 401k withdrawal. Over the last several months I've been making extra payments on the remaining loan. My final payment is set for 13 May. It's been a long, painful, expensive road, but it was the only option I had which would not lead to my sudden departure from life.
I realize most cis people can't understand why someone would transition. I was suffering from a condition which caused a lifetime of intense pain. There were no physical symptoms, no medical tests which could find the cause. Every night I went to bed hoping that a miracle would occur as I slept, and in the morning I would awake to a new life. The resentment at feeling trapped caused a steadily growing anger. As time passed, the anger became a sometimes uncontrollable rage. There were countless times I considered taking my own life, but I couldn't bear the thought of what would happen to my wife and daughters if I were no longer around to support them. My pain wasn't their fault, but they suffered from it nearly as much as I did.
One day my pain became so great, so terrifying, that I considered ending all of our lives. I was thinking 'who goes first?' My family and I only exist because for a brief moment, logic overruled my rage. That moment, that heartbeat of time, is what led me to where I am now. Whenever I wonder if it was worth it, I just think of that moment and instantly know I made the right decision.
I have been posting a lot of news articles over the last few months. All of the negative articles finally got to me last week, so I took a break. We shouldn't have to fight so hard for the simple right to exist. We don't tell others how to dress. We don't tell them which books to read. We don't restrict their medical care based on our personal or religious principles. We don't ask about the configuration of their genitals. All we ask for is the same respect we are expected to give, the same rights everyone else enjoys. We are rare and beautiful people, getting trampled by those who are being incited by misleading information presented by media, politicians, and extremists.
Every day we get knocked down, every morning we rise once again and dust ourselves off. We are being relentlessly attacked, yet we refuse to yield. Maybe that's why we are hated and despised -- because we are more resilient, because we are stronger, because we have discovered the internal strength which only comes through living an authentic life. That's really all we want, a chance to be ourselves.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
