Planning my suicide in detail and making everything ready, the feeling I had at that point....I have never ever experienced such a deep feeling, that this is it, I don't want to continue like this, life has been a living hell for 40 years. Constant anxiety, depression, being told nasty things etc. I want this to end now, being a living dead or just being dead, it's all the same. Never had such a deep feeling, that my life ends now, even though I've tried suicide in the past and have been very self-destructive.
Then however I woke up one morning to the thought, that if I kill myself now, I never picked up the last playing card on the table. I didn't know if I lost the game or not, I just assumed that I lost.
Thought that about half a day and finally gathered my very few male clothes, some from the late nineties believe it or not, and threw everything into the trash bin. That's it then, no turning back. And transition done in few minutes
In the next few months I managed to secure hormone prescription and got my name changed after a struggle with the officials.
So yeah, my transition was really quick, but it was either that or being dead.
And what comes to other people, my attitude has been, that yeah, go ahead and stare, you don't know the hell I've crawled through and managed to find my way out, just barely alive. You can stare all you want, but don't come and say a thing to me, before you've gone through the hell too. If you get out alive, then you can come and say whatever you like to me, not before!
