Su pressing female traits due to fear

[CallMeKatie]

This may be a little weird as I wear limited makeup everyday, I have long hair and fake nails.
I often do the hand on hip side pose and like to cross my legs the female way. I don't choose to do these things they just happen. Then I realise I am doing them, realise people might be watching ando quickly readjust.
It's like a fear of people noticing that I am acting more female (and yeah I know some straight cis guys cross their legs too).

Thing is, I'm not sure what I am afraid of. It's scary to admit that you aren't actually male. Am I going to get beaten up?  Laughed at or worse people totally distance themselves from me.
I think the last one scares me the most. People taking the micky I can deal with just fine, it's the thought of people acting like it's big big deal but slowly pulling away every day until I am all alone.
There,  I answered it myself. Ita taken me all my life thus far to learn to love myself and accept myself which opened up the whole trans thing.
People generally like me and if they don't I can shrug it off.
It's the fear of going through ALL that again for the next 30 years as people don't get that I am not going to change who I am, just how I look.
I'm outside on my lunch on a bench and crying as I write this.
What the hell, what a mess I am.

Sorry, just was typing for no real reason and all this crap came out

[VickyS]

Hi Kate,

You are NOT alone.  I have been supressing my female traits for over 40 years.  Every hand, arm, head, body, leg movement.  Speech, mannerisms and projected 'identity'.

So much so that I have problems with my arms, shoulders and neck now with having to hold them so rigid that my muscles are constantly tight and painful.  It's going to take a lot of un-learning.

My physio said I had 'action man' syndrome where you hold everything rigid and tight which causes problems.

I did it because it was a defence mechanism against being ridiculed for acting feminine which would have cause me physical, psychological and emotional pain.

You are not a mess, you are just trying to be yourself which is a long and hard journey but ultimately the best thing you can do.

Vicky xx

[Toni]

Aw Kate, don't sweat it Hon.  You don't know how often I cry of late, and I'm full time, long on hrt and about to have srs and ffs.  No matter how far down the road you get, you'll still feel a mess from time to time and it's totally OK, just us trying to sort out things that I think are mostly not even our fault or caused by us.  It's this damned society and the rules it tries to force us to play by.  The only way to win is not to play and just be who we are no matter how at odds with the world around us it seems at times.  Then we win, and in a way most other people will never know.  So have a good cry, then stand up, straighten up and be proud of who you are and don't ever look back.  Hugs, Toni